She wants the gifted money back

[HereForItMaybe]

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

He's got a mortgage so his situation isn't any different to yours. Since shes not asking you both for 25K there's no way I'd say yes. She's being really unfair to you. She's a shitty excuse for a mother, any half decent one wouldn't want their child to sell their house so they can live in a more expensive area.

This. And point out that obviously and fees, incurred charges and stamp duty payable on another purchase would have to come out of the £50k as no one can expect you to be worse off due to this. So ultimately your dm won't get much of anything if the £50k. It will all go to tax and fees.

So she doesn’t actually ‘need’ it. Explain to her in terms that she can understand that it was a gift, you no longer have it because you used it for the house purchase and you have no intention of selling up to return money to which she now has no entitlement. It’s her choice to move house and downsize. The onus is not on you to facilitate that.

If you've declared it as a gift when you bought your house it'll bring all sorts of complications down on you. You need to explore this.

Your mother is really crazy. And she's going to make you crazy too.

Explain the legal consequences for you and your home.
And then say no.

Remind her you had tried to decline but accepted reluctantly and that she's not going to get her 'gift' back.

I really wouldn't give it her back. It's not cash in the bank. It's gone.

It was definitely a gift, I had to sort paperwork with my conveyancing solicitor declaring the gift as it was used specifically towards my property purchase.

Did your Mum also have to sign?

If not did you have to declare who it was from?

Nevertheless it was a gift & has been declared as a gift.

What is she going to do i she doesn't get it back?

Those saying "Don't bring brother into this" I totally disagree. Maybe she's already asked him and he said no? You need to both put your heads together so you're both singing from the same hymn sheet.

It's a no from me. There is definitely a back story about your mums behaviour l sense! Why should you have to see your house for her indulgent downsize to a way more expensive area?!

If Auntie is so horror struck then she can give her £50k. But it's none of her business so she can keep her nose out

Worst case scenario,I'd offer £5 per month 🙄😆

I'm getting uncomfortable vibes here that you are resigned to this OP. I'm with everyone else. Do not impoverish yourself and risk never being able to buy a home again. Stay in your lovely home. It's yours. please don't give in to this.

I expect she's pressuring you as she thinks you're easier to manipulate. I bet your brother wouldn't give this a second thought. Would he be asking strangers online for advice or would he just say no, he doesn't have it and shut it down?

I'm sorry she gave away the money and now regrets it but that's tough. If she's £50k short to live where she wants, then join the club. She'll have to live where she can afford instead of going shopping with other people's money.

My parents did similar, without any warning they changed their minds about the money they’d given me to buy a house. Everything they’d previously agreed to, they rowed back on. I ended up selling jewellery, returning from maternity leave early and taking a loan out. I really struggled to trust them again after that and I think it sparked my auto immune illness. I’m sorry she is doing this to you. Personally I wouldn’t give her it back.

That's awful 😔

I’d just tell her that you can’t give it back because it’s been spent and you have absolutely no intention of selling your house . The worse that can happen is she cuts you off and frankly that doesn’t sound like the end of the world because what normal mother would do what she’s doing ?

On what planet are we tolerating a mum who was close enough to give a £50k gift just a few years ago now asking for it back knowing it will require the sell of daughter's house in order that she can buy the house she wants.

Thats just nuts. I appreciate you don't want to damage your relationship with your mum here but she has to take some responsibility in this. I think your suggestion to match your brother is great but also far behind what you should have to feel you will do. She made a financial choice and now she's expecting to change it at your detriment. If the story is true as per the OP I don't like it and feel massively for the poster.

Respectfully, you gave the money back in your case, even though you have advised the OP not to do so. I completely understand why you might have done so, because family dynamics are complex and messy and these situations usually don’t spring out of nowhere. The perpetrators generally have a history of manipulation and guilt tripping which doesn’t magically disappear when you’re an adult. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Do you regret giving the money back?

If you feel you must (i think u should say no) then I'd say to her 25k from you and 25k from your brother.

Absolutely regret it. They often talk in front of me how they have so much money they’d don’t know what to do with it. My mum pretended that my dad had no money and was struggling to cope without the funds he’d given me. I’ve just started counselling as I’m in abusive relationship and some of the reading materials show that you are more likely to be in an abusive relationship if your parents are manipulative or coercive. I’d never realised my poor/lack of boundaries started in childhood.

No matter what you your relationship with your mother is now going to change.

be strong. Say no. Allow this relationship to change from a place where you are secure in your home not appeasing her whims from the turmoil of moving.

Wow. I'd have to go NC after this. They are rubbing your nose in it now 😞

How horrible OP, I feel a bit sick for you. It’s utterly abhorrent of her to give a gift and then ask for it back so she can have something lovely herself. You won’t win either way, but I wouldn’t give it back and just risk the relationship with your family burning. What an awful thing to do to your daughter. Also, the whole dynamic with your brother (not asking him and it being ok he’s just spent it all) is rotten. I’m so sorry x

No is a complete answer. No reasons needed. No brother issues, no long explanations. Just - no that isn’t going to work for me.

Heres another way to think about it. Imagine she hadn’t given you any money, but now comes to you and asks for £50K to help fund her move. Would you agree? Would you be considered selfish if you refused? Of course not. £50K is a huge sum!

She in some crazy way thinks that gift is still her money.

You say your mum wants you to sell/remortgage your house and give her £50K. That’s not reasonable.

Theres only one scenario where you might be considered selfish in not giving her £50K, and that is the unlikely circumstance where you suddenly gain £200K from an inheritance as she did. That’s the essence of yr reply- “unfortunately no one has just given me £200K, so I don’t have a spare £50K knocking around- sorry!” Sell yr house? Car?? You are joking surely.

Dont have the coffee with DM, don’t negotiate with DB and don’t be bullied into returning a gift.

Mum, I really appreciated the gift, it helped me get on the housing ladder, thank you .
Unfortunately I do not have £50k to return your kind gift. Sorry.

"I fancy a change of scene, could you remortgage please and spend an extra £180 per month to allow me to do it?" seems like some serious CFery. (Also, how much difference is £50k going to make?)

As an absolute minimum, if you do give/loan her any money (and I strongly recommend that you don't), and it's more than what your brother puts in, then ensure that this is reflected in her will or other succession planning somewhere. We helped both our DC with Bank of M&D money, a few years apart, and after helping DC1 we redirected a life policy to make DC2 the beneficiary. We undid that once they had received equal amounts from us.

Family relationships are complex and going NC isn't always as easy to do as it sounds. I think going very LC can be a good start.

What a toxic excuse for a mother!

There is no way I'd be entertaining a 'refund' unless your mother was in real financial difficulties.

I would have no problem cutting contact with the lot of them if I was treated like this. The gift was even legally documented so there isn't even a grey area