Page 18 | She wants the gifted money back

HereForItMaybe · 2025-02-11T21:49:09+00:00

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago. She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked. AIBU to say no?

newtb · 12/02/2025 09:46

I was brought up with thé saying 'giving and taking back is stealing'.

Don't give anything back, she signed legally binding papers saying it was a gift. End of.

mihinobis · 12/02/2025 09:49

Don't have coffee with her and offer to give her the same amount back as your brother gives back. You could end up screwed.

She gave the money as a gift. It has been legally declared as a gift. It was never a loan and you can prove that. It's not possible for you to give her the money back because it's locked up in your house and I don't see why you should have to lose your home because she's decided she wants to move somewhere else and wants the money back.

She should have thought all of this through when she gave you the gift.

She's manipulating you and it needs to stop.

Stand firm and say no, the money was a gift, I spent it, I won't be giving any of it back.

SillyBilly123456 · 12/02/2025 09:51

You both spent it. Yours is now in your home and you need to bluntly ask her why she wants you to be homeless and why your brother is being treated differently. Tell her that you will give back as much as your brother gives back.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 12/02/2025 09:51

BreadInCaptivity · 11/02/2025 22:15

You'd be a greedy daughter, but she's prepared to make you homeless to buy a more expensive property....0kay.....

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Exactly. That's a pretty shocking thing to ask of you. Some mother 😔

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 12/02/2025 09:52

If you offer to give back what your brother gives back there is the possibility that the two of them might join forces and simply lie to you - or your brother might intend to give back his 50k but simply 'never get round to it'. Which would leave you paying out and him still sitting pretty.

easypeasylemonn · 12/02/2025 09:52

I feel like thats crazy of her to ask for it back...

Lisa593 · 12/02/2025 09:54

What a horrible mother expecting you to sell your home for her.

CityofOliveBranch · 12/02/2025 09:55

VisitationRights · 12/02/2025 08:43

I would not entertain returning any of it. What type of person gifts money like this to two children and only asks one of them to return it? Horrible.

This reply perfectly sums up how I would feel.

If OP’s DM tries to force the issue, I’d want to know why DB is off the hook, because that is not very clear, to me at least, from any updates OP has given.

crankytoes · 12/02/2025 09:56

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 22:12

Thank you for the replies - yes she's asking me and not my brother as she knows I put the money towards a house purchase, so it's sort of still 'there' whereas he spent his.

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation; if I agree, I lose my lovely home. But if I say no, I'll be the awful greedy daughter.

My aunt (her sister) has now been telling me I really ought to give her the money back.

But his is still sort of there as you put it.

He spent 'the money' on things meaning he could spend 'other money' on his house.

You 'the money' on your house and spent 'other money' on things.

It's the same thing. Her gift increased both if your pots. Both of you spent that pot. Both of you have a house. So both of you are in the sane position if having to sell your houses and incur thousand and thousands in costs and fees if you were to regift it back to your dm.

AnonymousBleep · 12/02/2025 09:58

A flat no. Is she really expecting you to sell your house so that she can buy one?

I2amonlyhereforTheBeer · 12/02/2025 09:59

She gifted it, so it's yours. It's crazy that she's going after you because your brother has spent his. Also the height of cruelty. Please say no with confidence.

AnonymousBleep · 12/02/2025 10:01

Do NOT offer to give her back what your brother gives her!

Ask her a) why she's asked you and not him and b) does she understand that she'll be making you (and your kids if you have any) homeless, plus you can't give her the full £50K back anyway as it will cost you money to move house now.

I mean to be honest you should just say no. I wouldn't be entertaining this AT ALL. Does she have form for this kind of thing?

Funnywonder · 12/02/2025 10:02

HereForItMaybe · 12/02/2025 07:34

I'm just catching up with the replies, thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to see a situation for what it is, when you're in it.

I'm going to ask to see mum for a coffee, and suggest I give her as much as my brother agrees to give back - that way I'm not saying no, but it seems fair.

I'll be stuffed if he says he'll give her the entire £50k but I doubt he even has much spare, he is a spender rather than a saver.

You seem to be more focused on the inequality of treatment between you and your brother than the sheer inappropriateness of your mum asking for ‘her’ money back. I would not be having cosy cups of coffee and setting up some sort of agreement based on what your brother is willing or able to repay. I get that you’re annoyed that she didn’t ask him and that this is a roundabout way of pointing that out. But imagine for a second that he didn’t exist. That it was just you. Would that make her request - sorry demand - somehow more reasonable? Or doable?

MaryBeardy · 12/02/2025 10:04

I cannot believe you are not angry at your mum for this!? What a horrible thing to do to a child. Why are you accepting this?

ChristmasPudd1990 · 12/02/2025 10:09

BadSil · 11/02/2025 22:31

Sadly this is now a no-win situation. Unless she has an epiphany overnight, I fear that your relationship will be damaged (possibly beyond repair). If you sell your home and give her the money it would be almost impossible to forgive her. Especially if (as I and others fear) she doesn't not in fact use the money to move but gifts it to someone else who has a way of running through money). If you don't give her back the money then she may never forgive you and the family has already started narrative building that giving her the money would be the morally right thing to do so you will be painted badly. And sorry to be jumping the gun, but this will then create the perfect opportunity to cut you out of any future inheritance so your feckless brother gets everything.

Honestly, in your shoes I would probably do everything in my power to give her back the money AND keep my home. Whether that be remortgaging, getting a loan and a second job, or renting out a room. I think I would just sleep better at night knowing that everything I have is mine (well the banks too I suppose!). Then I would resign myself to never speaking to my mum, my aunt or my brother again.

Totally disagree with this.

Imisscoffee2021 · 12/02/2025 10:11

Your aunt and your mother have no clue how a gift works, and your mother should be happy in the knowledge you put yours to such good use. I can't imagine ever rescinding a gift and leaving a child (albeit an adult child) in a position where they have to leave their home!

OchonAgusOchonOh · 12/02/2025 10:12

HereForItMaybe · 12/02/2025 07:34

I'm just catching up with the replies, thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to see a situation for what it is, when you're in it.

I'm going to ask to see mum for a coffee, and suggest I give her as much as my brother agrees to give back - that way I'm not saying no, but it seems fair.

I'll be stuffed if he says he'll give her the entire £50k but I doubt he even has much spare, he is a spender rather than a saver.

That is a really bad idea. Doing that makes you look more like a petulant child asked to do jobs around the house complaining that her brother doesn't have to do any. By doing that you are basically saying you think she is entitled to the money back but you are being a sulky child who wil only do your duty if your brother also does it.

By all means, ask her why she is only asking you as both you and your brother are in the same situation wrt the money - it's spent, you both have assets that would need to be sold to give her the money. However, I would only ask that question after telling her you are not in a position to give her money as it is tied up in your home and selling your home is not a reasonable expectation.

RB68 · 12/02/2025 10:13

I am sorry Mum I don't have it to give back. She needs to move somewhere less expensive rather than gathering in Money she distributed!!

speedymum1968 · 12/02/2025 10:14

I really would not offer to pay back what your brother offers your DM .She could say hes given her the full amount and even if he does could promptly give it back to him just to get your money . You have spent it you brought a house if you had the hard cash it would be different sometimes it really is ok to think about yourself

user6432879631 · 12/02/2025 10:17

It’d be utter madness to consider selling your house or car! A gift is a gift, and legally and morally you have no obligation to return it. If she was asking for it to pay bills or was totally down on her luck maybe, but to finance her own house move? No way.

Grammarnut · 12/02/2025 10:19

SillyBilly123456 · 12/02/2025 09:51

You both spent it. Yours is now in your home and you need to bluntly ask her why she wants you to be homeless and why your brother is being treated differently. Tell her that you will give back as much as your brother gives back.

Don't do that. Just say that it was a gift and signed over as a gift, which you used for your mortgage. You cannot give back what you do not have. She should have thought about this when she gave away the 100k.

ChristmasPudd1990 · 12/02/2025 10:22

I would be brutally honest and say you'd get into huge trouble with the mortgage company as you signed the money as a gift. What can she say then? Surely she wouldn't ask you to take out a loan and get into debt?

saraclara · 12/02/2025 10:24

I think the response hinges on the relationship with the brother (and with your mum of course). If he's sympathetic and prepared to back you up, then a united front makes things a lot easier. If that's not going to happen and you've got a flying monkey winding your mum up, there's every chance that she might use her will to punish you.

So much as many people are telling you to be fairly aggressive in saying no, I'd either get your brother onside with you, or use your solicitor to explain to your mum that it's not legally possible.

If you can come out of this without it being personal or being seen to be mean, it's probably in your interests. That doesn't mean you should return any of the money of course. It just means that you need impartial support that makes it appear that it's not just your decision. Stay calm and reasonable in explaining why it can't happen, to avoid fallout.

Lyra87 · 12/02/2025 10:24

No way would I offer to give any money back. Actually shocked, assuming that your mother knows full well that you don't have that amount of money in savings and would need to sell your home (even if you did have it in savings it's still awful to ask for it back just so she can move house)

OVienna · 12/02/2025 10:27

@saraclara If you can come out of this without it being personal or being seen to be mean, it's probably in your interests. That doesn't mean you should return any of the money of course. It just means that you need impartial support that makes it appear that it's not just your decision. Stay calm and reasonable in explaining why it can't happen, to avoid fallout.

Yes OP try to keep the approach on this level.