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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She wants the gifted money back

1000 replies

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 21:49

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

OP posts:
FlamingoQueen · 12/02/2025 07:10

So you would be homeless in order for your DM to move because she fancies it!
I would say no, she can’t have the money back. If you’d have known back then that there was a possibility she might ask for it back, you may well have blown it on a holiday! She can’t just ask you for the money and not your brother.
The money has been spent, I’m sorry Mum.

GreatGardenstuff · 12/02/2025 07:13

If she signed the paperwork making it legally a gift, then it’s a firm no.

If she was asking because she was in trouble and needed help, I’d be doing everything I reasonably could to support her, but losing my own home wouldn’t be one of those things.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 12/02/2025 07:15

This is really upsetting to read. As a mother I'll do anything to ensure my kids can get on the property ladder. The thought of making one of my children homeless so I can live in a nicer area is abhorrent. There's something wrong with her OP- the fact she didnt ask your brother is also outrageous considering you were the one who spent the money on something responsible and worthwhile! I hope this thread has empowered you to say no.

MellowCritic · 12/02/2025 07:16

Op speaking as a mum here.. never in a million years would I do this to my kid. If I can't afford the area I want to go then that's my issue. Unless there was some massive medical related issue or something serious actually I wouldn't be asking for it back then either . Give it back to her and cut her out your life. She's not a mum. It's no different to the money we give our kids throughout their lives and then say "give it back'. No way!

arcticpandas · 12/02/2025 07:21

Well actually I'm in debt so if I do sell the house the debt collectors will jump on it so I won't have any money to spent. Sorry.

Atleast you won't have to argue about non existing money. It's such a shameful thing of your mum to do so don't feel bad about lying.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 12/02/2025 07:24

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 22:12

Thank you for the replies - yes she's asking me and not my brother as she knows I put the money towards a house purchase, so it's sort of still 'there' whereas he spent his.

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation; if I agree, I lose my lovely home. But if I say no, I'll be the awful greedy daughter.

My aunt (her sister) has now been telling me I really ought to give her the money back.

It's still a "no". It was given to you and used by you in good faith as a gift from your NVDM. She can downsize to a cheaper area or lower her expectations.

It does NOT make you a greedy daughter. You used it to purchase a home. Legally, it would cause a great deal of trouble to now declare it was a loan. The fact that she has not asked your brother to return the money speaks volumes.

Do not feel bad saying "No". I have given my children money and would never, ever ask for it back, under any circumstance, so your NVDM is in the wrong here.

As for the aunt, let her give her sister money if she thinks it's that easy.

BonneMaman77 · 12/02/2025 07:24

I assume you’re not going to be happy to sell your house? Mother is not going to be happy until she gets her new house. In either outcome your relationship with your mother is going to become strained. Technically she in the wrong and she must know it. Irrational behaviour or does she behave like this otherwise…and that does not matter actually.

If I were you I’d tell her that it was a gift and you have, like your brother, spent it. Neither you nor your brother can give it back. She needs to find another way to do what she wants. After that, if she raises the topic or aunt does just keep saying the same thing.

Whyherewego · 12/02/2025 07:29

Does she really expect you to sell your home to return this gift?
This is madness ! All you can do is work out if you can afford to give her anything (not sure if you have any savings etx). Then you could offer to gift her some money. This is not a return but a gift from you. She'd be in the same position with to her solicitors as she'd need to provide evidence it was a gift btw !
But it's not reasonable to ask you to sell this house to "pay back" a gift. For starts you'd lose a bunch of money on estate agent fees and stamp duty etc. So it's not a cost free thing for you.
I think you need to say clearly that it was a gift and you no longer have easy access to the money.

lettyraines · 12/02/2025 07:31

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 22:12

Thank you for the replies - yes she's asking me and not my brother as she knows I put the money towards a house purchase, so it's sort of still 'there' whereas he spent his.

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation; if I agree, I lose my lovely home. But if I say no, I'll be the awful greedy daughter.

My aunt (her sister) has now been telling me I really ought to give her the money back.

I think you need to ask yourself: Would a decent, loving mother make this sort of demand?

Crazymaking aunt can give her the money if she feels that strongly about it.

Lucanus · 12/02/2025 07:31

Of course you shouldn't give it back. It was a gift, not a loan. The suggestion that you should sell your house to give your mother £50k, just because she fancies a change of location, is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. Just say no.

If your aunt wants your mother to have £50k then she can sell her own house and give it to her. Otherwise she should stay out of the conversation.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 07:33

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 22:12

Thank you for the replies - yes she's asking me and not my brother as she knows I put the money towards a house purchase, so it's sort of still 'there' whereas he spent his.

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation; if I agree, I lose my lovely home. But if I say no, I'll be the awful greedy daughter.

My aunt (her sister) has now been telling me I really ought to give her the money back.

So not wanting to sell your home and leave youself homeless is greedy? Legally, the money was declared as a gift so you can't give it back.

She sounds like a horrible person, as does her sister. Absolutely say no. Far better to keep a roof over your head and just ignore/stop speaking to your mum and your aunt.

Original poster
HereForItMaybe · 12/02/2025 07:34

I'm just catching up with the replies, thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to see a situation for what it is, when you're in it.

I'm going to ask to see mum for a coffee, and suggest I give her as much as my brother agrees to give back - that way I'm not saying no, but it seems fair.

I'll be stuffed if he says he'll give her the entire £50k but I doubt he even has much spare, he is a spender rather than a saver.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 12/02/2025 07:35

Tell her that the cash has gone just like for your brother. You did use it to buy your house and therefore can’t access the cash. Do you have anything in writing saying it was a gift not a loan? Tell her that she’s treating you differently to your brother and that’s not right.

ChaoticCrumble · 12/02/2025 07:35

It's a simple no. She should know better.

AyrnotAir · 12/02/2025 07:38

This is really shocking. I can't believe she'd make you sell your house to give back a gift so she can move to a more expensive area. If she forced this I think I'd be cutting her out my life. It's really cruel and alot of hassle.

Whyherewego · 12/02/2025 07:39

HereForItMaybe · 12/02/2025 07:34

I'm just catching up with the replies, thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to see a situation for what it is, when you're in it.

I'm going to ask to see mum for a coffee, and suggest I give her as much as my brother agrees to give back - that way I'm not saying no, but it seems fair.

I'll be stuffed if he says he'll give her the entire £50k but I doubt he even has much spare, he is a spender rather than a saver.

That's quite a smart solution. But remember it's a gift not a give back ! You are just gifting her some money

honeylulu · 12/02/2025 07:39

Of course you can't sell your home just because your mother fancies a new more expensive one. If that means your mother and aunt think you're an "awful greedy daughter" (you aren't) then fine, they can shove it. I think it's awful, greedy, selfish and entitled that your mum expects you to sell your home for her whims. It won't just be 50k either, you'll end up incurring another 20k in moving costs, fees, stamp duty etc to move to a smaller property yourself.

I don't have a heart of stone - if your mum was destitute and homeless my answer would be different, though I'd still think your brother should equally step up. It's sickening how much adult daughters are leant on and expected to sacrifice time, energy, money whilst adult sons seem to do as they please.

Your mum can make up her mind and "that's that". Take a leaf out of her book and decide to keep your home and that's that!

Lurker85 · 12/02/2025 07:39

I don’t know why you’re even considering it. I’d have just laughed and said “good one mom”. What an awful mother she is if she wants you to sell your home just so she can move to a more expensive area because she “fancied a change”.

Justsayit123 · 12/02/2025 07:41

Your mum is a nasty person for asking, and nastier for just asking you. You don’t have the money as it’s tied in the house. If you sell, it could cost you£20k in fees so you’ll be out of even more money. Tell her to jog on.

Birdseyetrifle · 12/02/2025 07:41

Do not suggest that idea at all. Just say no Mum, it was a gift and I have that written in paperwork and you are being unreasonable to ask for this back especially as you haven’t asked my brother.

You’re mum and aunt are being very, very unreasonable here.

Everydayflowers · 12/02/2025 07:42

What's your relationship with your brother like? If he's a reasonable person could you have a conversation with him first? It might be good having him on side, whether that's him telling your mum it's not fair to ask for it back or to just ask you. If he's reasonable that could help your mum and aunt see your perspective.

MyrtleLion · 12/02/2025 07:43

HereForItMaybe · 12/02/2025 07:34

I'm just catching up with the replies, thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to see a situation for what it is, when you're in it.

I'm going to ask to see mum for a coffee, and suggest I give her as much as my brother agrees to give back - that way I'm not saying no, but it seems fair.

I'll be stuffed if he says he'll give her the entire £50k but I doubt he even has much spare, he is a spender rather than a saver.

Tell her it was a legal gift and she has no right to it back.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/02/2025 07:45

HereForItMaybe · 11/02/2025 22:12

Thank you for the replies - yes she's asking me and not my brother as she knows I put the money towards a house purchase, so it's sort of still 'there' whereas he spent his.

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation; if I agree, I lose my lovely home. But if I say no, I'll be the awful greedy daughter.

My aunt (her sister) has now been telling me I really ought to give her the money back.

Firstly you are NOT a greedy daughter. You were given a wonderful gift by your mother and you put it to good use for you at the time.
You cannot agree to give it back because you would be in economic hardship if you did and you'd have to probably pay tax on the 'gift' as it wasn't a gift after all but a loan.

If her sister (your aunt) is telling you that you really ought to give her the money back, as her how you're supposed to do that when its locked up in your bricks and mortar? Perhaps she could step up and loan, sorry, gift some money to her sister to see her through this downsizing proposal she is planning.

Your mother needs to cut her cloth to fit and at the moment her ambitions are quite lofty - downsizing (great idea) but to a more expensive area (not so great for her). She'll have to keep house hunting so, so that the cost of the move is covered by the sale of her current property.

As for asking one child and not the other - well all I can say about that is that you've found out who the 'golden child' is after all these years and it aint you!

saraclara · 12/02/2025 07:45

HereForItMaybe · 12/02/2025 07:34

I'm just catching up with the replies, thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to see a situation for what it is, when you're in it.

I'm going to ask to see mum for a coffee, and suggest I give her as much as my brother agrees to give back - that way I'm not saying no, but it seems fair.

I'll be stuffed if he says he'll give her the entire £50k but I doubt he even has much spare, he is a spender rather than a saver.

Don't do that until you've spoken to him. If you're going to give her anything back (and I wouldn't) you need to have each others backs and work as a team.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/02/2025 07:46

@HereForItMaybe No OP!! do not ask your mother to coffee to discuss this!! the 50k was gifted and has legally been signed for as a gift and hmrc are aware of this!!! ask her if she really wants to see you homeless on the street with no house to live in! I personally would tell her to sing for it and blow any further consequences from her!! tell you aunt to just butt out because it is nothing at all to do with her!!! there is no solicitor in the land who would tell you to do anything else!!

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