She wants the gifted money back

[HereForItMaybe]

I'll keep it short - DM very kindly gifted myself and my brother £50k each, 5 years ago.

She has now asked for it back. My brother has not been asked.

AIBU to say no?

@HereForItMaybe I feel like I'm in a no-win situation;

The dilemma you have is deciding between what you feel most bad about - is it losing your home or disappointing your mother.

She gave you a gift and legally she can't ask for it / demand it back.

Morally, she shouldn't ask for it back.

But she has asked for it back and if you don't give her the money you feel I'll be the awful greedy daughter.

AND on top of that My aunt (her sister) has now been telling me I really ought to give her the money back

Your mother has put you in a situation any decent mother would never have put you in.
I wouldn't do that to my daughters. Or to any other family member. Or any of my friends tbh.

I may end up feeling furious that I'd made them such a generous gesture when it turns out that I need the money to buy something I want, but I would never ask them for it back - I'd just carry on sulking with myself that I'd made such a stupid decision.

You're not an awful greedy daughter. Your mother may want to think that because it makes her feel better, but it doesn't mean it's true.

I don't know your family dynamics, but why did she make the gift if she didn't mean it?
was it because she did actually mean it at the time?
or because she wanted to make a 'grand gesture' ?
or because she just doesn't think thIngs through?

and she's now blaming you now that she's changed her mind ??

I nearly declined the gift at the time as I felt she may regret it but I knew my brother would definitely not decline!

I would have done the same as you under the circumstances tbh, and accepted her offer

Whatever the reason, it's truly not your responsibility to second-guess people's motives.

Sometimes - hard though it is - we all need to accept truths and accept that actions have consequences - even when it's parents and they think they know better!!

Tbh, I think it's even more shameful that she's asking you, as opposed to your brother, to repay the money, because it's 'easier' for you ...... but that's possibly a whole different question .....

I, personally, don't feel that you should feel guilty about not indulging the wishes of a woman who sounds quite entitled and who (apparently) makes decisions that affect people's lives just on a whim, and who also expects other people to put her ill-thought decisions right if she's made a wrong decision in her life

You accepted a gift you believed was made in good faith - I would just stick with it tbh and not do any more worrying 😊

YANBU. Say you took it as a gift, declared it as a gift and spent it as a gift. You no longer have it.

How does she expect you to pay her back? By selling your home? So she can downsize to a more expensive area? Is she always so fickle?

She doesn't need the money, op, and can lower her expectations regarding the new house. Most people have to do that but she has assets so it shouldn't be too difficult.

When a gift is given, it's gone.

By all means help your mum a bit if she needs help but not to the extent of giving her £50,000 which you cannot afford to do without selling your house or getting a loan, skinning yourself out in the process. That would be so unfair.

She helped you when you needed it now she needs it if you can afford it and the moneys sitting here give it back

Unfair to only ask you.

I agree @Agapornis , send her a copy of the gift declaration to emphasize that it was legally recognized as a gift and is now tied up in the property. The OP doesn't have the cash sitting in the bank.

Not to mention the unfairness of only asking the OP to return her gift and not her brother.

OP has already said she doesn't have the money 'sitting there' She put it towards a house purchase and would need to sell her house to give her Mother the money back - and that would cost several thousands to sell and then buy somewhere else

I probably wouldn't do it, or at least have your brother pay half. Maybe Mom could get a job, only has to work enough for a 50K mortgage.

She expects you to sell your home? That's crazy!
And why isn't she expecting your brother to do the same?
Just because he spent the money on a holiday, that means he didn't have to spend mortgage payments on that holiday.

Or you put it towards the house which allowed you to also go on holiday for the past 5 years.

Am I explaining it right?!

Don't be gaslit into believing your money is still there in the house and therefore you should sell it. No no no, and your aunt should butt out of it!

My mother use to give me and my brothers gifts and she’d then ask for them back. We just ignored her. It’s was a gift. Don’t respond to her about it

Going against the grain here, I would try and do something for my mum because she's always been the type to give you the shirt off her back if she could. My mum giving me pretty much all her savings is the only reason I managed to keep my house when I split from my ex partner. She keeps telling me not to worry too much about paying it back even though I know she's too kind for her own good and she'll need it in retirement so I absolutely will.

I would personally look at my options for remortgaging to release money or get a £25k loan or something similar- nothing like selling a car or house that would cause a lot of hardship though. I'd ask her if that would be enough to bridge the gap.

I would also be in contact with my sibling to make sure they were aware and try to each give a similar amount back to mum. But I appreciate family dynamics can vary a lot and we've got a family culture of rallying around to try and make things work.

Does she know you'd have to sell your house to give her the money back? Where does she expect you to live? If you only bought 5-ish years ago, do you even have $50K in equity?

Of course you say no.
If to awkward to do face to face then write a letter.
Explain you brought your house and you can't sell up just because she has changed her mind. That's not how gifts work.
Her sister is just as bad .
Would either of them give back such big gifts?

It was a gift, not a loan. You can't unsettle yourself from your home to "repay" her alleged gift, just because she's had another whim. Tell the aunt or whoever they should stomp up the 50K if they feel that strongly about it.

So she basically wants to throw her daughter and grandchildren out of their home so she can move to a nicer area?

If you run the numbers, and sold now, then once you accounted for transfer taxes, the transaction cost of buying a new (smaller) home, alternative investment vehicles you could have used for your personal savings, and so on, would you lose money by liquidating your assets so you could release the equity to give her 50K? Would your kids have to move schools?

I would just treat her "request" or "demand" as a humorous suggestion. "Aw mom, giving you the money would make me and the kids homeless, and I know you wouldn't do that, so thanks for the funny joke.

I think the overall thing here is that by trying to "take back" her gift she will actually have left you worse off than if she had never given it, but will likely never admit that, and will want to have both your eternal gratitude for her amazing gift AND the money back. I just wouldn't. She gave it to you, you spent it on a house, it's done. If she actually meant it as a loan, she should have made that clear up front, and you would have adjusted your choices accordingly. She didn't, and now there's really no going back. It's not a reversible kind of thing.

Not only would you lose your home you would lose more money as you would have to pay all the fees associated. I can't believe a decent parent would gift you both money then ask you to sell the house to give her the money back but not ask your brother as he's wasted his on other stuff. I am shocked the aunt is saying you should.

I wouldn't give it back, tell her you would have to sell your home to do it and dont feel guilty about it.

She doesn't need the money, she wants to move to an expensive area as she fancies a change. If she was in financial difficulty its different.

That's your mom. Op's mom sure isn't giving her the shirt off her back here!

I wouldn't enter into any discussion over it.

'Sorry mum, it was spent on the house, I no longer have the money to return'.

'Sell my house? No, I won't be doing that'.

'Why are you asking me again? I've already given you my answer'.

No. She gave it to you as a gift not a loan.

I say no, it was a gift and it's very odd to ask for it back.

My parents gave me the same amount recently thanks to an inheritance. I would be outraged if they suddenly turned round and asked for it back. Especially without asking my siblings too. Also I don’t see why she hasn’t asked you for 25 each and why the whole lot has to come from you. Either way I’d say no anyway!!

Meh it's your mum. I'd give my mum every last penny I had if it made her happy, comfortable or whatever considering everything she has done for me.

This money was given to you was a gift 5 years ago. You decide to put this money towards buying a house. At the time you're mother was left £200,000. She kept half of this money and given you and your brother £50K each then.

I would reminder her that this money was a gift and you have the legal paperwork for this. I
I would tell her straight out that you decided to buy your home from this. I would reminder her that you had legal documents with her signature saying this money was a gift and she has no rights
As for your aunt why don't you suggest that she sells her house and she can use this money to buy this fancy home with your mother.
What did your mother do with the £100,000 left of the inheritance she got? Why is she not looking at downsizing in her current area? I know in some areas it hard to get a an apartment or a small house. In this case she need to look at sounding area's.

There's obviously a huge amount more to this than the OP is saying.

The sort of mother who voluntarily hands over half her inheritance to her children is not the same mother who now demands her daughter sells her house to facilitate a house move.

I would love to hear the mother's side.