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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs being left out of the wedding

518 replies

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:24

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 12/02/2025 08:00

Do not cancel your attendance

LittleMG · 12/02/2025 08:02

I honestly would give a flying fuck they aren’t even your side of the family. I’d just go to support DH other that not my circus.

peachesarenom · 12/02/2025 08:09

Hi OP, I agree with you 100%!

This won't be the only incident! Your poor girls, all three will be confused

Gingerbiscuitt · 12/02/2025 08:10

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 21:42

Do you often side with homewreckers then who have affairs with married men then destroy the family bit by bit? So many things have happened and nasty comments to MIL that I don’t understand why any one bothers with her or FIL so you can keep your judgements to yourself when you don’t know the full situation.
*3 years, my twins were born at 28 weeks and I’ve raised DSD since 5 months old she calls me mum 👍

They are invited as guests just not bridesmaids, we received a very basic invite while DSD had a card asking her to be bridesmaid. All 3 have been bridesmaids several times and know what it means. I’ve told DT it doesn’t matter but underneath I’m seething.

Edited
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Your FIL and his mistress sound awful. Don't go. Go somewhere fun with your twins. Your husband and his older daughter can go or come with you on a day trip.

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 08:10

You realise that a quite likely conversation between FIL and his fiancée was:
“who are you having for bridesmaids, dear?”
“Oh, my granddaughters!”
“Are you having my granddaughters?”
“Oh… I don’t really want 5 bridesmaids and my Jane and Anne are teenagers so they can manage getting ready”
”Good point, 5 would be a lot, what about just having Clare, she’s 9 and can pretty much manage for herself?”
”Yeah, good idea”

Seems a bit more likely than her rubbing her hands and plotting Ways to Piss You Off..

LameBorzoi · 12/02/2025 08:12

peachesarenom · 12/02/2025 08:09

Hi OP, I agree with you 100%!

This won't be the only incident! Your poor girls, all three will be confused

How is it confusing? The eldest has been asked to do a responsible job. It happens

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/02/2025 08:12

The way you talk about this woman, OP, you shouldn't even attend. I would imagine that however well you've tried to hide your disgust and the fact that you and your husband don't support the wedding, it's plain.

I imagine that's why your daughters are not 'in the wedding'. They are invited though so I don't see the issue.

What sort of person would feel so sourly about a wedding and expect her children to be bridesmaids though? Perhaps give your own moral compass a bit of a shake because it's in need of a tune up.

Samung · 12/02/2025 08:13

I think you need to pause and get a grip. It's not unusual for a bride to decide to have a limited amount of bridesmaids. A more mature bride might well prefer to have older bridesmaids who won't need to have constant attention on the day, who can be told what they need to do and do it. Your twins are 6 years old, for many people that's a bit young.
Ideas about dressing up your young children to look as if they might be bridesmaids are really stupid. I had no bridesmaids at my wedding, causing a great stir because I wasn't having a young niece as one. The mother actually dressed her up in frills and gave her a small basket of flowers to carry. Daft bat.
Support your husband and go to the wedding. Explain to your girls that sisters can't always do everything together, concentrate on looking after them on the day and try to make sure they enjoy it. Try not to look as if you've sucked on a lemon.

Hopefully the children are blissfully unaware of your feelings on this, and you can concentrate on putting a positive spin on this. I kind of doubt that unfortunately.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:14

Sandiagonest · 12/02/2025 05:03

I think it’s fine to just have one child in a wedding, but it’s not ok to force the younger kids to watch and have every second person say why aren’t you kids in the wedding.
When my DB got married I found out that there weren’t going any flower girls before rsvping for my DD as she would have been devastated not to be included.

Sorry but thats utterly ridiculous to wait and see if your DD was a bridesmaid before agreeing to attend your own brother’s wedding!! Honestly what kind of snowflake entitled generation are we raising?! Nobody owes anybody a bridesmaid role! It’s good for kids to be disappointed now and again, it’s part of the fabric of life to sometimes not get your way, builds character and means that when they’re older and someone tells them they can’t have something they don’t crumble and call mummy

DemonicCaveMaggot · 12/02/2025 08:16

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 08:10

You realise that a quite likely conversation between FIL and his fiancée was:
“who are you having for bridesmaids, dear?”
“Oh, my granddaughters!”
“Are you having my granddaughters?”
“Oh… I don’t really want 5 bridesmaids and my Jane and Anne are teenagers so they can manage getting ready”
”Good point, 5 would be a lot, what about just having Clare, she’s 9 and can pretty much manage for herself?”
”Yeah, good idea”

Seems a bit more likely than her rubbing her hands and plotting Ways to Piss You Off..

I agree with this post.

If you want your younger twins involved then ask her if they can do some other job at the wedding, such as looking after the guest book. They would probably enjoy getting dressed up, having their hair done and taking it around during the reception to make sure everyone has signed it and written messages.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:17

Devon24 · 12/02/2025 05:17

In your place we would say they are all bridesmaids or none are bridesmaids. There is nothing more divisive than one child receiving preferential treatment. We would withdraw from bridesmaids duty, and buy them all beautiful dresses, with tiaras and have their hair done together.

Explain to eldest dsd that all sisters need to stand by each other, and that a pretty dress is all a bridesmaid really is. And she can choose her favourite dress etc.

You have an opportunity here to show your dds how you deal with manipulating people. Thst nothing will be allowed to disrupt your family harmony. Your dh needs to understand his dsd is being used as a pawn. It’s not an honour, it is a nasty underhand action designed to hurt your twins (and by extension you) and make it as a difficult as possible.
Your dh needs to see how unkind this is, and how important it is that everyone sticks together.

Either that or decline the invite and dh goes on his own or not at all.

Either way the family cohesion is going to be compromised by this woman. Your dh needs to develop an independent relationship with his father that does not involve many family gatherings. The only way you can protect yourself is by seeing her as little as possible.

In your place we would say they are all bridesmaids or none are bridesmaids.

Youd demand who was a bridesmaid at someone else’s wedding? How rude!

Also I feel like this would be very unfair on families with a large number of girls if they could only ever do nice things if their sisters are

There is nothing more divisive than one child receiving preferential treatment. We would withdraw from bridesmaids duty, and buy them all beautiful dresses, with tiaras and have their hair done together.

OMG you are the MN stealth bridesmaid mum 🤣🤣 seriously you can’t sneak bridesmaids into a wedding

Honestly who do some of you lot think you are! It’s not your day! It’s not your kids’ day. Be a grown up and grin and bare it

Cattreesea · 12/02/2025 08:17

Looking at this without all the baggage and emotions: could it simply be that she wants to have bridesmaids from her side of the family too?

So she invited the eldest girl on your side family. Adding all your 3 girls might have meant too many bridesmaids.

I think the average number seems to be 3 or 4.

I think the fact that you very obviously don't like her and still see her as 'the other woman' might colour your judgement on this.

Everyone is invited after all and ultimately the wedding day is not about you.

Maray1967 · 12/02/2025 08:18

pennydroppedtoday · 11/02/2025 21:52

You know what I would do OP.

Get your children absolutely stunning dressed each. Beautiful hair accessories and shoes so both your children and your DSD all look equally like a princess. Obviously in a different colour to the bridesmaids

That woman doesn't have to treat the three children in your family the same but you sure as hell will.

If your DT are upset about the dress I’d get a dressmaker to copy the bridesmaid’s dress for the younger two, smile sweetly at new SMIL and say they all wanted the same dress - unless that would upset DSD? If not, dress them the same and take photos of the three of them together. I’d frame one and give it to FIL & SMIL for Christmas.

Yes, it’s the bride’s prerogative, but I wouldn’t leave out two 7 year olds when their 9 year old DSis has been asked. Preschoolers, fair enough, but not 7 year olds.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/02/2025 08:20

Maray you're kidding, aren't you? You would really behave like that? Shock

Ghoststorying · 12/02/2025 08:20

GRex · 11/02/2025 20:38

9 and 7!! Apple didn't fall far with your DH then.

I think your girls will think it's no big deal if they get nice dresses that they choose and you don't make it into anything. It would be nicer if she had the 3, but perhaps that opens the floodgates to a bunch more on either side, whereas 1 is restrained enough to explain away. You've come this far round to attend the wedding, I think ignoring the bridesmaid bit is easy enough.

You're a charmer.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:21

Crocsforlife · 12/02/2025 06:00

Do not get a bridesmaid type dress for your girls this is just ridiculous advice. Pretty dresses yes but let your step daughter have her day. My dh cousins turned up at our wedding in almost identical dresses to my bridesmaids lots of eyerolls on the day and they felt bloody awkward with people assuming they were bridesmaids and having to say they weren't.

Oh and I had one sibling out of 3 as a flower girl it wasn't a big deal.

There was a thread on MN years ago about a woman who did the same and then pushed her DD into the aisle as the bridesmaids walked down!! I thought it was the most mental thing I’d ever heard but clearly on this thread alone there’s the “My Princess will NOT be excluded” types 🙄 what absolute divas making their DDs into entitled little divas. I must be awful because when one of my DC was included in a wedding party and the other one wasn’t I accepted it and didn’t even explain why to the DC, they never asked because I didn’t make a big fuss myself

Porcuporpoise · 12/02/2025 08:21

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 08:10

You realise that a quite likely conversation between FIL and his fiancée was:
“who are you having for bridesmaids, dear?”
“Oh, my granddaughters!”
“Are you having my granddaughters?”
“Oh… I don’t really want 5 bridesmaids and my Jane and Anne are teenagers so they can manage getting ready”
”Good point, 5 would be a lot, what about just having Clare, she’s 9 and can pretty much manage for herself?”
”Yeah, good idea”

Seems a bit more likely than her rubbing her hands and plotting Ways to Piss You Off..

Yes this.

It's really not that unusual to only ask 1 girl from a family to be a bridesmaid and, with twins, it's not as though it's only 1 child missing out.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:21

arcticpandas · 12/02/2025 06:18

She said 7 year old not 14! Jesus, I don't know what 7 year olds you're hanging out with if any, but the ones I know are still very naïve (fortunately).

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7yos also only see things as a big deal if their parents do. If you don’t make a big fuss then they won’t be fussed

Porcuporpoise · 12/02/2025 08:22

@Maray1967 thats proper loon behaviour.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:24

beenwhereyouare · 12/02/2025 07:03

Don't be deliberately obtuse. The OP very clearly said "my issue is leaving them out to cause trouble yet again".

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But she’s making an assumption and being rather melodramatic- when in reality maybe to MIL to be just wanted one bridesmaid not 3 so it made logical sense to pick the older Ken. Painting her to be an evil stepmum who is wickedly orchestrating a wedding with the sole intention to piss people off is a bit too Disney for my liking.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:27

IButtleSir · 12/02/2025 07:24

I was NOT moved in when DSD was a baby

How did you start 'raising' her from 5 months old when you weren't living in the same house? And why did you start raising her at least 7 months before you even got into a relationship with her dad?

Yes, I know, not the point of the thread, but you can't keep posting wildly contradictory information and expect people not to point it out.

I strongly suspect that OP got mixed up with the truth and the version they tell people to make her and her DH not look as bad.

There’s absolutely no way a woman raises a baby of a friend unless there’s a relationship. Bit convenient that they fell in love afterwards no.

Maray1967 · 12/02/2025 08:28

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/02/2025 08:20

Maray you're kidding, aren't you? You would really behave like that? Shock

I’d be tempted to- if I was disgusted by their behaviour which OP is! Probably best, though, to copy the dress in a different colour for each twin - but definitely get the lovely photo and send it to FIL and SMIL for Christmas.

I don’t like seeing kids being left out in this way. A 9 year old and two 7 year olds - surely you’d just include them all?

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:30

LaundryPond · 12/02/2025 07:54

Its not remotely ‘odd’ not to have all the children of one family as bridesmaids, especially when it’s the groom’s family, not the bride’s!

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Donning my hard hat for this - I also think too many bridesmaids looks tacky! Not to mention the expense. They probably wanted to include FIL’s side but didn’t want loads of BMs.

Let’s face it however they were asked OP would see it as a dig. If none of them were asked they’d be shit stirring. If only the twins were asked then poor older technical DSD would be excluded. If they were all asked it’s only to make sure DH is there.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 08:32

Horserider5678 · 12/02/2025 07:58

So ruin it for the 9 year old? Well that’s a grown up attitude! I think OP also has issues with her step daughter and was possibly an OW herself given the closeness in age between her twins and step daughter!

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I suspect this too. But would say “But yeah DH’s ex was crazy!”.

And kid not that’s not the case he didn’t waste anytime dodging the single father bullet did he. “Ah I have no woman around to do Woman Things with the baby. I’ll find another one, just hold my drink I’ll be back in a second”

Samung · 12/02/2025 08:33

Maray1967 · 12/02/2025 08:18

If your DT are upset about the dress I’d get a dressmaker to copy the bridesmaid’s dress for the younger two, smile sweetly at new SMIL and say they all wanted the same dress - unless that would upset DSD? If not, dress them the same and take photos of the three of them together. I’d frame one and give it to FIL & SMIL for Christmas.

Yes, it’s the bride’s prerogative, but I wouldn’t leave out two 7 year olds when their 9 year old DSis has been asked. Preschoolers, fair enough, but not 7 year olds.

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That would be pathetic.
They are 6 year olds, Op had corrected herself later.