DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

I had no bridesmaids at my wedding, causing a great stir because I wasn't having a young niece as one. The mother actually dressed her up in frills and gave her a small basket of flowers to carry. Daft bat.

WTAF! I can’t believe these people exist. They are doing their kids any favours

I have been with DH for 20 years, have never met my FIL, he was a nasty piece of shit to his children when they were growing up. I just let dh take dd to see him (in a public space). I suggest going forward you don’t engage with the woman, life is too short to waste energy in people not worthy of it.

you could plan a lovely fun girls day with the younger two and MIL the day of the wedding. You could also ply them with sugar…just saying 🤣

I can't believe the number of grown ass women who are simultaneously calling the Bride to Be a drama queen trying to ruin the family and telling OP to get bridesmaid's dress for the DT and get them to be bridesmaids in all but name... as if that isn't a massive drama creating moment and causing family discord

Also who want to upset an innocent 9 year old by making her not be bridesmaid because her little sisters aren't. What a way to cause problems between them! Especially when she's already "different" because she's a stepdaughter and whatever drama happened with her birth mother.

That’s absolutely ridiculous narcissistic behaviour and you’d be turning your kids into spoilt brats.

If your kids aren’t invited to be in the wedding party then get over it. It’s not your day! Do you always make other peoples celebrations about you?

Agree. I think expecting anyone to have 5 child bridesmaids so they can include all the female children in the family is a bit rich. She chose the oldest child.

I don’t think I would want two 7 year olds as bridesmaids either, especially with 3 other child bridesmaids. Would that not seem more like I was running a child day care than I was having people to assist me on my wedding day.

You can feel how you like about it, but you can also choose to explain it unemotionally to your youngest two. “SGM to be already has two other children being bridesmaids and has asked DSis as she’s oldest, I’m sure there will be other jobs you can help with for the wedding and of course we will get you both your own princess dresses for the day”

It is pretty extreme for a mother to be out of the picture entirely at such a young age. She may have died, or had severe alcohol or drug issues, or been abusive.

OP doesn’t want to say for privacy reasons, and that is fine, but there certainly are possibilities where she isn’t the OW.

It’s not for OP to be disgusted by. We’ve had people leave their OHs in the wider family but you get to a point where you get over it and accept that’s who they wanna be with and maybe listen to their side.

It’s proper psycho behaviour to force your kids to be stealth bridesmaids. Why would you use your actual children as pawns to have a dig at someone and ruin their wedding day? Do you not like your kids? Do you not think your kids would pick up that mummy is just doing this to be nasty to the bride?

They exist, and they exist on this discussion. 😂
You know what? On the day I was completely oblivious to the game playing. My SIL tried to time shoving her daughter into the aisle so that she walked up it just as I appeared through the door. That didn't work because, due to a slight music mix up, the music played for a minute or two before I came out. Apparently there was a bit of shoving the poor girl towards photos the photographer was setting up, to make her look like wedding party, but the photographer had sussed the situation and gently steered the 'bridesmaid' away. Obviously she was included in all the family photos, and a couple of her were taken with her mum and dad.

I just can’t believe how many posters are proudly declaring they’d use their kids as pawns in a pathetic little war that only they are fighting. Do they not stop and think “maybe this game playing and snide digs isn’t fair on the Dc”. Do they not stop and think how them and their kids would be laughed ant and talked about by the wider family and firmly put in the “weird side of the family” category? It’s just plain shit parenting. Good parenting would be finding a way to tell your kids they don’t always get their way and sometimes life isn’t fair

To his mistress?
Nice.
I get you are bitter, however, as they say - your wedding, your choice.

Yes but it’s unlikely she’d be raising someone else’s child whilst not being romantically involved with the father. Who would do that? Maybe a VERY close friend would help out but not a “family friend raising the baby”. And then to conveniently get together with him. It’s bullshit

That's not the only explanation. Birth Mum may have run off, been sectioned or imprisoned, or died. Family and friends rally around to help care for the baby.

Whatever the specific circumstances, the timings do speak to DH having an easygoing, blow with the wind sort of character. Which has many positives - quick to grieve, heal, forgive, adapt, move on with life. As he did with OP, back then.

The same qualities are now allowing him to forgive his father and accept his new wife. It's a good thing, if you want to maintain close family relationships.

So you have been your DSDs mum since she was 5 months old but only got with your partner when she was a year old and then a year after that you had two other children?

I think you have romanticised your own history here and are projecting onto your FILs situation.

Why is your FIL's fiancee getting all the blame, and not him?
It takes two to have an affair.
You appear to think your 'disgust' is concealed by being 'civil', yet it comes through very clearly in your post.

By cancelling your attendance you are hurting yourself and your daughters. You will also spoil things for your step daughter as well as your husband. I understand that you are hurt on your daughters’ behalf, but you could choose to help them enjoy the occasion by buying pretty dresses from Monsoon, with matching headbands, and giving them mini baskets of petals to throw over the bride and groom. Just say they are flower girls. Let your step daughter enjoy being a bridesmaid and stay bright and breezy for your daughters - they can still have a role to play and look lovely in all the photos etc. Personally I wouldn’t care if the bride didn’t like it. She’s not going to say anything on the day. Just act innocent - tell people the girls were so excited to celebrate the wedding they chose these beautiful dresses, they love the idea of throwing petals, isn’t it lovely, etc?Dissemble. If your fil’s partner is really trying to cause trouble then don’t give her the satisfaction. Rise above it and do your best to enjoy the day.

The OP described herself as raising this baby but in a platonic way and then said they fell in love 7 months after and got pregnant VERY quickly. Even of the “fell in love when DSD was 1” over is true it’s hardly something to crow about, presumably the mother isn’t dead as OP has said “she isn’t in the picture” (meaning she’s somewhere outside of the picture). yet OP is so judgemental about this OW The hen actually at best she jumped in very quickly with her long term friend afger, for whatever reason, the relationship broke down with his ex. I mean he could have just concentrated on raising his poor DD but no he had to impregnate someone else just over a year later. OP is in no position to judge anybody

I understand that you are hurt on your daughters’ behalf, but you could choose to help them enjoy the occasion by buying pretty dresses from Monsoon, with matching headbands, and giving them mini baskets of petals to throw over the bride and groom. Just say they are flower girls

IMO, flower girls are bridesmaids, it’s just the name for young girls in that role. So don’t do this.

It’s like when people leave their OHs and then 2 months later they’re whacked up with a colleague and they say “Oh it didn’t start until AFTER I split up with DH”. Sure it didn’t.

FFS you cannot force kids to be flower girls when they haven’t been invited to be so!

Is this actually how people behave? It’s fucking unhinged and is guaranteed to have your kids resenting you for using them in pathetic little games because you don’t get your way

Flower girls are not the same as bridesmaids - and this is a good way around the problem because it keeps the little ones happy.

I completely agree that when it comes to being bridesmaids, all daughters in a sibset need to be invited/included. Basic manners and diplomacy.

I'm unsure that little boys always care about being a pageboy but if they do they also need to be included if their siblings are.

Only exception is if children are under 3 and/or incapable of behaving.

It’s. Not. Their. Day.

Whats hard to understand

and of course flower girls are bridesmaid.

God imagine being such a petulant loser and shit parent that you stealth force your kids to be bridesmaids at someone else’s wedding! If you want Princess to have a role in something throw your own wedding don’t behave like a psycho at someone else’s

It’s honestly shocking that people are suggesting that. I cannot believe it’s real.

So incredibly arrogant, not to mention cringeworthy.

And it would lead to the rest of the guests thinking you’re a massive weirdo and by association people would serve your kids like the plague. Why would people want to do that to their children?

Also you’d deserve to be kicked out. I disagree that nothing would be said. I eloped so had only 2 guests at my wedding but had I gone down the big wedding route and someone did this I’d be getting my mum to tell them to leave.

It's honestly worrying how many of them think making their children the centre of attention and some kind of martyr is acceptable

Or seem to miss the fact that DC will pick up on their own emotions. If they act like it's nothing then the DC are less likely to fuss