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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs being left out of the wedding

518 replies

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:24

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 12/02/2025 06:25

What a lot of hyperbole. Do not do anything ridiculous like buy your girls fake bridesmaids dresses. You will look petty, needy, and ridiculous. It will reflect on you, not her.

You show up for your DH’s family. You are polite, eat the food, talk to the relatives, and leave when you are done. It’s one day. You do not like this woman and she likely knows that, so why would she want your children to be bridesmaids? That’s the last thing I would do in her shoes.

Autumn38 · 12/02/2025 06:37

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 23:34

I don’t expect her to have my twins as bridesmaids, as already stated my issue is leaving them out to cause trouble yet again. I see DSD as my own daughter, she calls me mum and there is no segregation here. I’m calling her DSD on here so I’m not accused of drip feeding. I asked if AIBU to not go to the wedding as I don’t want to, but instead of advice I’ve mostly been attacked for my personal life. I was NOT moved in when DSD was a baby, some of you are absolutely awful on here I don’t know why I bothered posting.

Thank you to those who have been helpful and understanding of what my problem is, I will have a chat with DH and tell him I’d like to cancel our attendance, including the children’s. Then it’s in his hands if he wants to attend.

If you do decide to go, I wonder if you can reframe this as something really special for your eldest DD (she lives with you full time and calls you mum so to be honest I’d see her as such).

As the eldest with two younger (twin) sisters, who are her mum’s biological children when she is not, this might be a chance for her to have a moment of glory, as it were. Also a chance to not just be one of three girls.

You can also explain it to the twins that sometimes it’s good to be treated differently, and that they might like at some point to be treated to something just them and not all three sisters. She is the eldest so on this occasion she gets to be a bridesmaid. Then yes go and buy them lovely dresses too. Try to show them they can be pleased for her and excited, not just envious.

Autumn38 · 12/02/2025 06:40

To add, is your eldest DD aware she has been asked to be a bridesmaid? I think it will be really tough to tell her actually she isn’t allowed, especially if she realises it’s because of her sisters. Could cause a lot of resentment between them…

BlondiePortz · 12/02/2025 06:41

Any suggestion of 'send then in a bridesmaid dress' to me comes across as 'how can I make this wedding about me' and also very narcissistic

Sevenamcoffee · 12/02/2025 06:49

This seems blown out of all proportion to me. Just get the twin dd’s pretty dresses and give them cake and they won’t care. Let it go OP, life is too short.

sashh · 12/02/2025 07:01

DoYouReally · 11/02/2025 21:18

Could it not be a case that she has her one two grandkids and then invited the eldest from FILs just to have a representative from his side too.

Add in the twins- it's five and it's a lot.

Or maybe she just wanted 2 but didn't want to leave her own DG out.

I really don't think this is as big an issue as you perceive it to be. There's also a 9 year old without her mum and her step siblings are twins so she's probably not as close to them as they are to each other.

That's what I was thinking.

Bridesmaids are usually the brides friends and / or family. I think she is being generous asking any of her finance's grand children.

You have twins and a DSD not triplets, they deserve to be treated equally but not treated exactly the same.

DSD is older. She will not have her own mother there, she has been asked to be a bridesmaid and it should be up to her to accept or not.

Also she is just around the corner for going to high school, she will have opportunities there that the twins won't have for a couple of years. If she makes it on to a sports team are you going to block her because the twins are not on that team?

Will she be allowed to walk to and from school or does she have to wait until the twins are old enough?

They are three different people and you need to realise that.

beenwhereyouare · 12/02/2025 07:03

Mirabai · 11/02/2025 23:36

I don’t expect her to have my twins as bridesmaids, as already stated my issue is leaving them out to cause trouble yet again.

That’s contradictory. If you don’t expect her to have your twins she’s not leaving them out.

Don't be deliberately obtuse. The OP very clearly said "my issue is leaving them out to cause trouble yet again".

CanelliniBeans · 12/02/2025 07:08

Maybe there's another side to this. Perhaps DSD has felt left out when her df had twins with you when she was only 2? Maybe she feels left out now.
Perhaps they are trying to make her feel special and included?

GreenSkyes · 12/02/2025 07:11

You do realise that your FIL is the one who wrecked the home? He made the choice to cheat. While she's not innocent in this, you seem to entirely blame her. As much you say you're amicable to her, I can imagine your true thoughts are incredibly clear to everyone.

I do think it's unfair to have 1 and not all 3, but it's their wedding.

I'd go, get beautiful dresses for the girls and make a fuss of them. Tbh, all they probably want is the pretty dress. They won't understand the concept of bridesmaids.

LaundryPond · 12/02/2025 07:14

beenwhereyouare · 12/02/2025 07:03

Don't be deliberately obtuse. The OP very clearly said "my issue is leaving them out to cause trouble yet again".

Show quote history

The OP has no idea why the bride ‘left them out’, far less whether it was with the conscious intention of ‘causing trouble’. Large numbers of posters have pointed out that having all the children of one family being bridesmaids would be very unusual, and that, as the bride generally chooses bridesmaids from among her own family and friends, she’s presumably just making a gesture towards her groom’s family. It’s obvious that she would choose the eldest over the twins, because inviting one twin to be a bridesmaid and not the other would cause difficulties. Even if the bride is the original bitch from hell, in this specific situation, she’s done nothing wrong.

In fact, the OP is creating a massive fuss about nothing because she loathes the bride. If all three had been bridesmaids, it seems fairly clear the OP would have had other issues, or seen this as a way of manipulating her and DH into attending, or approving of the marriage.

Twonewcats · 12/02/2025 07:16

I cannot understand all the comments saying that the twins are being excluded and it's favouritism and divisive etc. Seriously, you cannot see that the kids are a) the groom's family so none of them would usually be a bridesmaid and b) it's a second wedding, so is not going to have lots of kids walking down the aisle.

Would you all be furious if they were boys and one was asked to be best man?

Honestly, i see this as being a really lovely gesture from the bride - including the oldest child from the groom's side to represent them all.

IButtleSir · 12/02/2025 07:18

GRex · 11/02/2025 20:38

9 and 7!! Apple didn't fall far with your DH then.

I think your girls will think it's no big deal if they get nice dresses that they choose and you don't make it into anything. It would be nicer if she had the 3, but perhaps that opens the floodgates to a bunch more on either side, whereas 1 is restrained enough to explain away. You've come this far round to attend the wedding, I think ignoring the bridesmaid bit is easy enough.

9 and 7!! Apple didn't fall far with your DH then.

Spot on!

IButtleSir · 12/02/2025 07:24

I was NOT moved in when DSD was a baby

How did you start 'raising' her from 5 months old when you weren't living in the same house? And why did you start raising her at least 7 months before you even got into a relationship with her dad?

Yes, I know, not the point of the thread, but you can't keep posting wildly contradictory information and expect people not to point it out.

LameBorzoi · 12/02/2025 07:27

sashh · 12/02/2025 07:01

That's what I was thinking.

Bridesmaids are usually the brides friends and / or family. I think she is being generous asking any of her finance's grand children.

You have twins and a DSD not triplets, they deserve to be treated equally but not treated exactly the same.

DSD is older. She will not have her own mother there, she has been asked to be a bridesmaid and it should be up to her to accept or not.

Also she is just around the corner for going to high school, she will have opportunities there that the twins won't have for a couple of years. If she makes it on to a sports team are you going to block her because the twins are not on that team?

Will she be allowed to walk to and from school or does she have to wait until the twins are old enough?

They are three different people and you need to realise that.

Show quote history

Exactly. Having 5 child bridesmaids running around would be just silly.

7 is also on the young side. A 9 year old is going to be more reliable.

ButterCrackers · 12/02/2025 07:32

Don’t go. Safe yourself the hassle. Take the kids out for a fun day instead.

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 07:32

Maybe she knows that if she had your DTs, you would have to be around her a lot more on the day, helping them get ready etc, because of their ages… and you hate her guts.

Minnie798 · 12/02/2025 07:37

Could simply be age related. How old are the other bridesmaids. There’s a difference between age 9 and 7. The bride to be probably wants to be able to focus on herself and husband to be, rather than two young children during the wedding vows etc. Three bridesmaids rather than five makes a difference. More manageable. If none of the children had been asked, that would have caused issues too, I suspect. Only you know the impact not attending will have on your relationship with your DH.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 12/02/2025 07:37

I’ve never openly expressed my negativity towards their relationship

They'll know, it is always obvious despite no words being spoken.

NeverHadHaveHas · 12/02/2025 07:43

You sound like you absolutely love a drama and are weirdly over invested in your MIL and FIL’s lives.
I imagine you have made no attempt to hide your vitriol and that your DH is inwardly rolling his eyes and wishing you would stop fuelling bad feeling.

Lilactimes · 12/02/2025 07:48

just get them lovely dresses - it’s not the end of the world not being a bridesmaid and they need the rational explanation from you that they’re still a bit young and grandad didn’t want lots of bridesmaids so they get special dresses instead.
try not to add to the wedding drama - sounds tricky enough for your DH as is … just keep your head down and smile and wave - good luck x

sheep73 · 12/02/2025 07:51

This is odd behaviour by bride and groom. Both sound like arseholes.

To keep your twins happy I would buy them dresses, similar but not the same as the other little girl, and take them to get their hair done or whatever on the day.

They are all lucky to have been bridesmaids so many times! Our kids have never been asked!

Good luck!

LaundryPond · 12/02/2025 07:54

sheep73 · 12/02/2025 07:51

This is odd behaviour by bride and groom. Both sound like arseholes.

To keep your twins happy I would buy them dresses, similar but not the same as the other little girl, and take them to get their hair done or whatever on the day.

They are all lucky to have been bridesmaids so many times! Our kids have never been asked!

Good luck!

Its not remotely ‘odd’ not to have all the children of one family as bridesmaids, especially when it’s the groom’s family, not the bride’s!

Horserider5678 · 12/02/2025 07:55

Topee · 11/02/2025 20:54

I was just about to say the same thing; you’ve seen the dress, get your girls the most similar one you can find!

Show quote history

That’s just pathetic! Buy them beautiful and unique dresses. I actually think OP is the problem FIL is getting married and she childishly still calls his future wife the OW, no wonder she doesn’t want OP’s children as bridesmaids

Ceebeegee · 12/02/2025 07:57

Please don't stop DSD being bridesmaid.

As you say, she has gone through some extreme circumstances in her childhood. Let her enjoy her moment.

And maybe the FIL and his fiancé are recognising that your DSD has been through extreme circumstances, and are reaching out to let a little girl feel very special.

Horserider5678 · 12/02/2025 07:58

fashionqueen0123 · 11/02/2025 21:03

I can’t believe she’s done that. I would say that sorry but the 9 year old can’t be a bridesmaid unless the other two are- your DH can tell his dad this. And or course FiL can say something - it’s his marriage and wedding too! He sounds like a right melt.

So ruin it for the 9 year old? Well that’s a grown up attitude! I think OP also has issues with her step daughter and was possibly an OW herself given the closeness in age between her twins and step daughter!