DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Doesn't change that it's HER GD (and we don't know their ages still so don't know if it is older and the 7 (sorry 6, because OP changed that too) year old twins are too young)

OP you and your DH need to get over the OW thing. It’s not your business. How long has it been and how long do you both intend to be hung up on it?

And with respect considering your DH went from one baby with one woman to more babies with another woman in 2 years (it’s not 3 years they were born 12 weeks early not 12 months early) , with a woman he already knew, I don’t think you’re in the best placed position to talk about the integrity of families staying together. It doesn’t matter that DSD calls you mum. Thats VERY quick from presumably one serious relationship to another with basically no thought from either of you about DSD. Would you DH stand up for you if people didn’t wanna know you because of your history?

Maybe MIL to be sees DSD as having and an overall shit time and wants to give her something special her sisters don’t have? You could just be gracious about it and tell your twins they’re too young

Convenient.

Thats what they all say

You are correct of course - expecting 6 year olds to be able to do everything a 9 year old does is just a recipe for children with hurt feelings. (Or vice versa -feeling a 9 year old should NOT be able to do something if the 6 year olds can't.)

I sincerely hope it isn't the standard experience for the 9 year old through the rest of her childhood because bless her that would be awful

As all 3 have been bridesmaids several times I wouldn't be getting so het up about it. I just would think it nice that your "technically DSD" oldest daughter has been asked as you have brought her up since a wee baby.

How old are the other 2 bridesmaids ?

Ffs anyone in their right mind would be upset if their girls were not asked to be bridesmaids as well.

If you read the thread you’ll see that lots of people actually think it’s completely fine not to ask all three to be bridesmaids.

I’ve had one of my kids left out a wedding party. Never occurred to me to care. It’s about what the B&G want innit

You aren’t seriously gonna stop your “technical” DSD form being a bridesmaid are you OP when she has already been asked?! That would be astonishingly cruel.

Im sure lots of people were very disapproving of your DH getting together with his ‘mate of 13 years’ when his ex (if she was indeed an ex) had just had a baby, have her raise this child (nobody with sense would do this unless they were in a relationship) and SURPRISE it turned romantic and no-longer-mate is pregnant! But they probably did what you need to do - grin and bear it and kept their noses out

How old are the bride's granddaughters who are also bridesmaids?

Siblings who are three years apart do not always get to do the same things at the same time, so if the other bridesmaids are older then I actually think it's completely fine to have the 9 year-old but not the 6 year-olds.

But ultimately you're dripping with venom for the bride and you shouldn't be anywhere near this wedding. You're absolutely delusional if you don't think she knows - people sense when someone hates them that much regardless of how "civil" they act on the surface.

Bingo!

Your husband’s children are not a homogeneous group. It’s fine for the eldest to have a special role. Wind your neck in - she’ll be so upset if you stamp your feet and refuse to let her attend.

I’m obviously in the minority but I think it’s ok to ask one sibling out of three to be a bridesmaid. It would have been nice for her to have had them all but I’ve been to lots of weddings where only one has been asked. The last wedding I was at had six bridesmaids. One of whom was the oldest of four siblings and another, the youngest girl and the fourth of six siblings. Just get them pretty dresses, shoes and flowers in their hair and they will have a lovely time.

I'm far from a sympathiser with Women who sleep with married Men, but did your poor FIL accidentally trip and fall into this Woman because you seem to be placing the blame for HIS affair and break up of HIS marriage very squarely at her door.

If you and your DH don't approve of their marriage then you shouldn't be attending at all, much less wanting your DD's to be Bridesmaids.

I think it’s fine to just have one child in a wedding, but it’s not ok to force the younger kids to watch and have every second person say why aren’t you kids in the wedding.
When my DB got married I found out that there weren’t going any flower girls before rsvping for my DD as she would have been devastated not to be included.

Think about the little girl who has been chosen to be a bridesmaid. If she hears discussions around all of this at home she’s going to feel very guilty and confused. Be careful.

I can totally see why you’re upset. If it was me I’d suck it up and get through the day for the sake of my husband. The twins’ expectations can be managed. It’ll only be a drama for them if you tell them it is. I’d probably say that to be a bridesmaid at this venue you have to be 9. Just get through the day. You can do it.

In your place we would say they are all bridesmaids or none are bridesmaids. There is nothing more divisive than one child receiving preferential treatment. We would withdraw from bridesmaids duty, and buy them all beautiful dresses, with tiaras and have their hair done together.

Explain to eldest dsd that all sisters need to stand by each other, and that a pretty dress is all a bridesmaid really is. And she can choose her favourite dress etc.

You have an opportunity here to show your dds how you deal with manipulating people. Thst nothing will be allowed to disrupt your family harmony. Your dh needs to understand his dsd is being used as a pawn. It’s not an honour, it is a nasty underhand action designed to hurt your twins (and by extension you) and make it as a difficult as possible.
Your dh needs to see how unkind this is, and how important it is that everyone sticks together.

Either that or decline the invite and dh goes on his own or not at all.

Either way the family cohesion is going to be compromised by this woman. Your dh needs to develop an independent relationship with his father that does not involve many family gatherings. The only way you can protect yourself is by seeing her as little as possible.

I haven’t read through all the comments but it seems obvious this new woman is trying to isolate him from his family. She’s creating an unfair situation, expecting you to take offence, and then will use this as a reason your FIL needs to cut contact with the family who aren’t supportive of them.
It would be good not to lose contact with your FIL, but seriously you’re going to get years of this ridiculous shit.

Ignore your FILs soon to be wife and focus on your husband. Why is he ok with upsetting not only his mother, but also two of his children, just to keep the peace with a man who would cut him off if he ever called him out on his crap? He is the problem here.
Would you ever put the feelings of someone who clearly doesn't give a fuck about you above your children? Would you ever put the feelings of anyone above your children? Your husband would and has. He is allowing all of this to happen because he is so obsessed with his dad that he would risk the relationship with his kids just to make his dad happy. Blaming the OW wouldn't make your husband a better father, and it won't make the problem go away.

Don’t do that.

You could still get them amazing dresses though.

I wouldn't be attending and neither would my kids- the Rudy isn't being caused by you, and if your husband wants to keep appeasing her for his dads sake, that's on him- I wouldn't be

No way would I allow my kids to be excluded like that, I wouldn't go to the wedding 🤷‍♀️ DH can go if he likes.

Do not get a bridesmaid type dress for your girls this is just ridiculous advice. Pretty dresses yes but let your step daughter have her day. My dh cousins turned up at our wedding in almost identical dresses to my bridesmaids lots of eyerolls on the day and they felt bloody awkward with people assuming they were bridesmaids and having to say they weren't.

Oh and I had one sibling out of 3 as a flower girl it wasn't a big deal.

It's fine op. It's perfectly normal to ask one sibling and not another.If she had asked one twin and not the other, you might have had a point, but to just ask the eldest seems fine to me! She already has 3 bridesmaids. 5 would be a lot!

She said 7 year old not 14! Jesus, I don't know what 7 year olds you're hanging out with if any, but the ones I know are still very naïve (fortunately).

As long as they are invited I can’t see a problem. She can have whoever she wants as bridesmaids. If the eldest was biologically yours I don’t think you would have a problem, it’s the fact that your 2 biological children aren’t bridesmaids too. Be happy for the older one, it’s not her fault, and the younger ones can still wear nice dresses. The day isn’t about you whether you like her or not. Suck it up and try and enjoy the day as a family