DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

So?

Dsd sees you as mum obviously being from so young. Have you adopted her?

Honestly I think it's fine only the eldest has been asked. 9 is big difference from 7.

yes because they’re YOUR daughters so I would expect they had equality at YOUR wedding because that was YOUR choice.

5 daughters is an insane amount to expect them to be treated all the same by others.

Are your Mrs Bennet or something? Making a big old fuss about everyone paying them equal attention

Exactly. If there was none of OP's children included I would be a bit annoyed, but there is representation from each side. When I got married I had 1 flower girl who was my cousins daughter, and my husbands goddaughter. Each of them had siblings, but I didn't feel need to include them all.
Especially if it's a smallish wedding, it gets to look a bit ridiculous. We recently went to one where there were 4 flower girls 2 page boys a best man and 5 groomsmen and 6 adult bridesmaids. So the bridal party total was 19 people, with about 30 other guests which was crazy.

My girls have each been flower girls many times, all for the family - both families have lots of boy children and not many girls and they know ours are eady going and well behaved, so get asked quite a lot. They know who has been asked recently and tend to alternate it between them. Never has one moaned about being left out.

I think this is more about your feelings towards your FIL and his fiancee, than actually the flower girl issue. If a friend of yours asked one of your girls to be a flower girl for them would you insist it was 'all of them or none'?

I don't think anyone can win here.

You hate her, she knows (we all know it).

I honestly think you should let your DH go to the wedding on his own for the sake of his relationship with his dad. I definitely don't think you should go anywhere near the wedding. You won't add anything other than your very clear hatred for her.

Honestly @Dramatic it was your choice to have 5 kids you need to understand that no one else has to include them. In fact I’d go as far as to say it’s quite rude to over populate the planet and for everyone to centre your over populating bunch, presumably at their time expense and against their wishes

I've never been put in a situation like this, people either include all of them or none of them which imo is the way it should be. And it's exactly how I will be with my own grandchildren.

OP, you still refer to your FIL's partner as the other woman, say you don't approve of their wedding and yet are upset that your twin daughters aren't going to be bridesmaids while your step daughter is?
While I understand that you're upset, if you haven't been supportive of their wedding why on earth would you expect your daughters to be chosen as bridesmaids?

I’ve been to weddings where lots of tiny kids have been part of the wedding party and it’s like a zoo. At one I couldn’t hear the poem the MoG was reading out because of the giggling, whining and running around at the front

You think that if one of your DDs get asked to do something the other 4 are obligated to have the same?

Im pretty sure whoever would be relieved to be saving on six people’s meals TBH.

I am well aware no one has to include them, but funnily enough my family wouldn't want any of them to feel left out so treat them all the same. We are a blended family, not all of them are mine biologically but even so my parents and wider family treat them equally

So, no one else but you has to be inclusive of your too many children.

Imagine having so many kids and having the gall to insist they should be equally prioritised by other family members. Dont have so many kids if you want them all to be included in everything

In a situation like the op yes. Something smaller and less meaningful wouldn't matter.

well good for you but to EXPECT inclusion is insane especially with so many children.

Im sure when you have 25 GDG you won’t be giving them equal roles in everything

Well it's funny because our family manage it just fine 🤷

Then I won't give them roles at all. It's not that hard to understand.

FWIW there are thankfully posters who try to teach their children large families (especially blended families) have to be flexible & not quick to take offence.

My brother had my eldest child in the wedding party (they're 2 yrs apart) plus my sisters son around the same age. I accepted it was a representation of the family & not intended to be vindictive. There were other children on both sides whose parents understood this. If this is the type of situation which makes people bitter they have little to worry about in life.

So they’re not even all bio kids and you’d expect your parents to include your SC in being bridesmaids? Dont SC have their own grandparents?

The entitlement is astonishing.

body has to include your kids in anything. They DEFINITELY don’t have to include SC. These are all your life choices, and no one else’s concern and no one is obligated to treat any of your kids in any way other than you and their parents.

What like “guest”?

Yes I’m sure everyone around you definitely isn’t rolling their eyes but saying nothing to keep the peace

Is it not partly because she’s older? 7 year old twins would need more supervision on the day and is a young age for a bridesmaid .

No, they're really not. I've never had to have a conversation with any of them about including all the kids, it just happens naturally because they are kind people.

I would also feel very aggrieved about this. Although, my OH would also and would have told FIL it was not on. All or none!

TBH it does seem unfair ,however if she already has 2 BM her side and DH DSD thats 3 already and your 2 is 5! I would be tight lipped ,say to your 2 Yes Daisy is being BM isnt that fun.Then say look girls ,shall we also go shopping for a pretty dress each? have some lunch and milk shakes in a nice cafe whilst we are at it ? They will be very excited Im sure.I think it would be hard on your DH otherwise its his dad and DF wont take kindly to future wife being upset!

And if I was FIL - "ok, none! Barbara will just have her DGDs then, which works well for her."