DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Life might not be fair but I also don't think it's fair to teach your young daughters that it's ok to be cast aside like this for no reason. What is it actually teaching them? That their older sister is better? More loved than them? Na I wouldn't be allowing that to happen.

Why do you think it is favouritism? As opposed to, say, only wanting three bridesmaids, or not wanting bridesmaids younger than 8?

But why is it thoughtless? Why do all kids need included? Can’t they just have what they want? What if there’s 8 DGD?

Its their day they can do it however you like and either lump it and realise how it isn’t a big deal or throw a tantrum and refuse to go because you aren’t the centre of the day

Because no one with a heart would do that.

They aren't being cast aside! They are invited!

OP shouldn't be teaching her daughters to feel entitled to be in other people's bridal parties!

Again, why favouritism?

Life might not be fair but I also don't think it's fair to teach your young daughters that it's ok to be cast aside like this for no reason

Why not? Why is it not ok to teach kids that things don’t always go their way and other people are picked and not them sometimes? This is a life lesson.

What is it actually teaching them? That their older sister is better? More loved than them?

That things don’t always go their way but it’s grandads wedding and that’s how he wants things. You don’t make a big deal out of it.

Na I wouldn't be allowing that to happen.

What would you do? Tell your eldest that she’s not important enough, that she has to be deprived of a lovely privilege just because her sisters don’t have the exact same? Or would you do some stealth bridesmaid work?

Then either have all of them or none of them. Cherry picking your favourite granddaughters is a shitty thing to do however you try and frame it.

It baffles me that people will go round the houses to try and defend shitty behaviour. If the gran came on here and wrote in the op that she wants to have 3 of her granddaughters instead of 5 then she'd be ripped to shreds and rightly so.

I disagree. There’s plenty of reasons to pick one child and it the others.

PSA: It’s. Not. Your. Day

I wouldn't take my younger daughters and I would tell FIL and his wife what I think of them.

Yes kids need to know they can't be picked for everything, like not getting picked for a football team or something, not being left out of your granddad's wedding for no reason whatsoever.

Ok, we're not going to agree. My opinion is that if you do this you're a shitty person.

'Cast aside' 🤣

Gloriously apt username.

That’s a ridiculous rule. What about budgets, not wanting busy pictures, having to manage 8 small children for a very long day etc? Wouldn’t it just be easier to accept that weddings aren’t in any way about kids (I know some parents struggle with their little diddums not being the centre of the universe) or including kids but instead about celebrating what the B&G want?

Don't be absurd. Of course you can't have a horde of children as a bridal party - that would be just stupid. And in this case, it's makes sense to pick the eldest.

Especially when the others are only 7! A few years makes a huge difference in maturity.

Maybe FIL felt that DSD does get a harsher deal, what with her birth mother nowhere to be seen and the younger DTs taking centre stage when they were born. I imagine they might get a lot of fuss and attention just for being twins, even. Maybe you can let DSD have this one thing without making it all about your precious DTs.

Well then don't have any, I have 5 daughters and when I got married I had all of them as bridesmaids. It didn't even enter my head to just pick one or two of them

It's not "favouritism", "cherry picking" or "casting aside" anyone

It's having the oldest child do something. Something which is better for her because she's older

If the older child had been left out because "she's a stepchild" that would be different

Or they picked the middle child over the other two, even more awkward with twins

But to just have the eldest child isn't any of the things being claimed

To be honest if both these people are over 50, grandparents and marrying for the second time, I don't see why it's necessary to have any bridesmaids at all. If including all the grandchildren is too much then just don't have any at all. Picking one sister and leaving out the other two when there is only 2 years between them is terrible. Whether the OP likes or doesn't like her FIL's partner is beside the point.

Wow, are you always so narcissistic? Why should anyone else’s day be about you or your kids?

I wouldn't take my younger daughters and I would tell FIL and his wife what I think of them.

Im sure they’d be gutted

Yes kids need to know they can't be picked for everything, like not getting picked for a football team or something, not being left out of your granddad's wedding for no reason whatsoever

Why not?

There will come a time when they will feel left out with close people as adults, so unless you’re hell bent on raising a bunch of wet wipe children then perhaps tell them that’s how it goes sometimes and don’t make a big deal

Honestly the way some people go on you’d think everyone around them positively BEGGED them to give birth and that their children should always be centred in everything by people who aren’t their parents - and if they don’t they’re a bad <insert relative>. Accept that the only people who are obliged to validate your children are YOU - it’s nothing to do with anyone else, it was your choice to have them and it’s ridiculous to impose them on another person’s wedding day.

I for one wouldn’t fancy walking down the aisle wrangling everyone’s kids like the damn kindergarten cop. 3 child bridesmaids is plenty.

Pretty big compromise if she wanted none at all.

Thanks, I get complimented on it a lot 😁

My opinion is that you may wanna stop thinking your kids have to be the centre of the universe. Your universe yes but absolutely no one else is obliged to think the same, not even their GP.

Those are YOUR daughters though
Not your STB husband's granddaughters....

Like I said, we're not going to agree. I never said anything about imposing on their wedding day, I said I wouldn't take them. They should be treated equally to their siblings by all of the family, I don't see why that's such an alien concept.

I think there must be something wrong with me because when I hear a relative is getting married I’m crossing my fingers that my kids aren’t asked to be in the bridal party. I’ve done it before and it’s not relaxing. All the dress fittings and rehearsal and having to man manage them on the day, hanging around making sure they are sorted for photos rather than having a drink with the rest of the family. I just CBA and it takes out a lot of time I don’t necessarily have.