DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Yes, but surely if she'd died, the OP have said so, rather than saying she isn't discussing her DSD's early life? She also says that while she 'raised DSD from when she was five months old', she wasn't actually in a relationship with her DSD's father at the time, they were just close friends.

Obviously, she doesn't have to disclose anything online, but the difficult circumstances of her DSD's early life might be relevant to the OP's bizarre combination of vocal disgust at her MIL-to-be and entitlement to have her biological daughters be bridesmaids.

Or you could just snap op. Buy a long and beautiful white gown for yourself dress the children from head to toe in bridesmaid dresses and flowers!! 😂😂 two can play at fhis game op!

@Shambrigade Her behaviour is absolutely awful and if I was you I wouldn't entertain going or letting any of your daughters go. You're not in the wrong about you how feel. I think if you let it happen then her behaviour will just continue and will eventually cause a rift between your daughters.

Is it.. is it glue you’re on, Susan?

You realise the most likely outcome if anybody loses their shit about not all the girls being included is that only the bride’s DGDs (who may be children, adults or somewhere in between) will be included.

Much more logical to have 2 when you wanted 3 than to have 5 when you wanted 3.

Would you have been arsey about none of the girls being included if the bride had done this from the outset, OP?

Yes, but surely if she'd died, the OP have said so, rather than saying she isn't discussing her DSD's early life?

Again, not necessarily. The circumstances of this post are already a tad outing if the bride happens to be on MN. Any more detail about her DSD would only add to it.

If he was the married one, it’s him who deserves your ire, not his wife to be.

I doubt you hide it well at all, tbh. If you hate her this much, just don’t go. I know you said it will cause issues but doubt it will really; it’s more two-faced to go to the wedding of someone you absolutely despise.

Calm doon hen 🤣🤣🤣

How on earth did you get to that? I read it as unpleasant to pick one grandchild out of three - why do that?

Three grandchildren out of five.

Or possibly three grandchildren out of more than five - all we know is that the bride has asked two of her biological DGDs, this may or may not be all of the bride's biological DGDs.

But why force your kids to bed bridesmaids, like that’s SUCH an imperative job, rather than taking the opportunity to tell them life is Angie and sometimes you get left out? Or just don’t make out like being a BM is a big deal.

as does her own husband... looking at the ages of the children he's not exactly covered himself in glory has he?

Aye - OP has been raising this stepchild as her own from 5 months old. But just as a family friend, until she was a year - when the friendship (with side of playing mother to this man’s daughter) turned romantic. He then got her pregnant straight away.

There’s a huge difference between helping a close family friend with their baby and stepping in to co-parent them. I think OP is deluding herself (or us?) by saying there was absolutely no romantic intent those first 7 months.

When my children were small my brother’s bride asked them to be bridesmaid and page boy. She didn’t ask my other brother’s little boy who was only 5 months older than mine. I found out that my children were receiving watches as gifts, so I bought one for my little nephew and gave it to him on the day. I felt very hurt for him being left out but I didn’t say anything to the bride because it was her day, her choice. My nephew was preoccupied with the watch and a couple of other little things during the ceremony and at the reception they all played together and compared watches, so I think it worked out ok in the end.

You can be hurt but at the end of the day it’s not your wedding. Don’t feel a type of way and ruin the day. Go there with a smile, head up high, hope it’s a great day and you and your lovely children have loads of cake. If you lead the charge they won’t even remember feeling hurt about not being bridesmaids but will remember a great time! SD is older to be honest it’s crazy it’s only a 2 year difference your DH was active. How can you judge his mistress when it seems you two are in the same boat no offence.

I think it's beliefs like this (just an example of many) that cause unnecessary rifts within families. I suppose if OP had 3 biological daughters the bride would be expected to have 6 young bridesmaids & on it would go on both sides.The whole thing is ridiculous. There is a representation from both sides including her own 2 Grandchildren which would be expected & quite normal. Children have to learn there are situations where they can't all be included in everything & also learn to accept it, as do the parents.

I’ve raised DSD since 5 months old she calls me mum 👍

DH was a family friend for 13 years, we got together when DSD was a year old.

Did you raise DSD for the mum or with the dad?

I think for a grandparent’s wedding kids of that she would all be included in the bridal party.

I am very relieved that I have thoughtful PIL .

What if, like our late dear Queen, bride had 8 DGC before adding any from the groom's side?

I guess we are presuming in this current scenario that DH is either an only child or that any of his siblings don't have DDs.

That’s nice that you think that but not everyone is the same, and if it doesn’t happen it would be very ridiculous to stamp your feet and say “Well I wouldn’t do that so I’m going to FORCE what I would do on someone else’s day”.

Life isn’t fair and kids don’t always get what they want. It’s fine for them to know this. Adults even more so!

No stamping of the feet needed - but equally well no going along with what a thoughtless person wants when it involves your DC.

OP can choose not to go and she can ask DH that none of the girls go.

What she cannot do is elect her DDs to be de facto bridesmaids/flower girls and shit all over someone else's plan. Because that's a lot worse than thoughtless, it's malice aforethought.

OP for what its worth, I think you need to take a step back here. The priority is your DH's relationship with his father and for the sake of that, I really do think you need to stitch on a smile and attend. Regardless of what you think may have happened and how you perceive your FIL's fiancé.

Op, yanbu at all. It's blatant favouritism for no reason. I don't know why pp's are delving any further than that, it's extremely unfair on two little girls who are equally related to the wedding couple as your step daughter.

Send dh and dsd.. You take dd's away for the week end.. Dh can suck up to fil but you don't have to...