Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DDs being left out of the wedding

518 replies

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 20:24

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

OP posts:
Estampie · 12/02/2025 09:39

BetterWithPockets · 12/02/2025 09:17

Am amazed by all the posters who think your FIL’s wife to be has done nothing wrong, OP! And, yes, imo asking one DC out of three to be a bridesmaid IS leaving the other two out. Just because there are two of them doesn’t mean they can’t/won’t feel upset by the different treatment.

And this kind of batshittery is why there are so many threads on here from women well into middle age wailing about things like a coworker not inviting them to a housewarming party they never had any intention of attending (because it would have involved a 30-mile drive) because it made them feel 'excluded' that other colleagues were talking about it afterwards. An actual current thread.

FallOfTheHouseOfUtterlyButterly · 12/02/2025 09:40

fashionqueen0123 · 12/02/2025 09:33

The mil has ruined it not the OP. She’d also explained that wasn’t the case and is considered to be the DSD mother.

MIL hasn't ruined anything for the 9 YO. Or even the 6 YOs

OP would ruin it for the 9 YO by pulling her out of the wedding party and her attitude will dictate just how "ruined" it is for the 6 YOs

ClockingOffers · 12/02/2025 09:42

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 09:25

No one is saying she hasn’t done anything wrong (although with OP’s perspective I’d quite like to know more about this relationship) but they’re getting married and there’s a point where everyone has to get over it and move on

Nope, I strongly disagree.

Just because the pathetic FIL is getting married to his Floozie doesn’t legitimise their relationship at all. It’s still based on lies and deception.

In OP’s shoes, I’d refuse to attend and DSD would definitely not be a bridesmaid.

YourWildAmberSloth · 12/02/2025 09:42

Sandiagonest · 12/02/2025 05:03

I think it’s fine to just have one child in a wedding, but it’s not ok to force the younger kids to watch and have every second person say why aren’t you kids in the wedding.
When my DB got married I found out that there weren’t going any flower girls before rsvping for my DD as she would have been devastated not to be included.

I doubt if most people would notice, let alone care. If it's an obvious omission like the brides daughter, perhaps, but most people have more important things to worry about. The idea that you had to check if there were flower girls before going to your brothers wedding, because his niece would be devastated is ridiculous.

BetterWithPockets · 12/02/2025 09:43

Estampie · 12/02/2025 09:39

And this kind of batshittery is why there are so many threads on here from women well into middle age wailing about things like a coworker not inviting them to a housewarming party they never had any intention of attending (because it would have involved a 30-mile drive) because it made them feel 'excluded' that other colleagues were talking about it afterwards. An actual current thread.

And this kind of name calling and arrogance (your opinion is right and anyone you disagree with is batshit) is why I’m glad I don’t know you in real life. At least, I hope I don’t.

wholettheturnipsburn · 12/02/2025 09:43

RoastDinnerSmellsNice · 11/02/2025 20:42

In you shoes OP I would withdraw from the wedding. You've done your best not to be judgemental, and either in spite of your efforts, the bride to be is fully aware of what you think of her, or she's just being plain nasty to your two little ones, which I think is an absolutely disgraceful way to treat any child, let alone her husband to be's grandchildren. Tell your DH he can go to the wedding if he must, but in future not to expect you or your children to be going anywhere near his father and new wife. What a bitch she is!

Wow

I agree that the OP shouldn't go to the wedding

Reading how she talks about her future MIL, I'm not sure I would want her there.

Whoarethoseguys · 12/02/2025 09:44

5 bridesmaids is a lot, I assume she wanted each side of the family to be represented so chose the eldest from father in law's side.
I think you should all go, buy lovely dresses for your daughters' which they can choose themselves unlike the bridesmaids, they can also choose head pieces and jewellery if they want and just relax and let them enjoy the day.

Psychoticbreak · 12/02/2025 09:44

To be honest you sound very angry full stop. Perhaps the new MIL is causing issues in which case then as a family just say none of you are going and dsd wont be bridesmaid but to be honest you seem to harbour resentment purely because the twins have not been asked and to be fair that would be a lot of bridesmaids if the twins were to be asked also. Maybe she genuinely only asked the other child as she is older. If you really do see dsd as yours then you plainly say none of you are going and stand as a family unit on that or just let her do it, lick your wounds and speak to someone about your misplaced anger. Yes she was the OW but I am sure FIL did not get forced into an affair either.

SandlersToe · 12/02/2025 09:46

It's perfectly clear why so many families have gone no-contact with some of you here. Let's be honest it wasn't your choice to go no-contact. Such pathetic, unhinged, attention seeking behaviour by women of an age whom should know better.

Hopeallwillbefine · 12/02/2025 09:46

Stravaig · 12/02/2025 09:14

The most depressing thing about this thread is the number of grown women who are indoctrinating their daughters with sexist gender stereotypes, where they should aspire to play princess in frilly dresses and tiaras, and make an emotionally manipulative fuss if thwarted.

Do we really need more looks-focused empty-headed women in the world?

It’s possible to have a PhD in astrophysics and still like a nice frock, you know?

Agree re the ‘emotional manipulative fuss’ though, that’s not something we should be teaching children.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 12/02/2025 09:49

You are a lovely mum to your DSD. I would put your own children, and her, first. If your kids aren’t there on the day, she will miss them and you.
Having had young bridesmaids to be honest they just see the dress. They aren’t interested in the adult politics, they just like the occasion.
Get your own girls beautiful, gorgeous outfits. As twins, they will get lots of admiring glances. And they also get to stay by your side.
It doesn’t mean you support this awful woman but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction.
And perhaps at the end of the day tell her well thank God next time you get married to some old duffer with a big balance we won’t be involved in all this palaver.
And then swish your very fabulous dress and leave.

Liveandletlive18 · 12/02/2025 09:50

I wouldn't create an issue over this. There has to be a line drawn. Having 5 young children as bridesmaids would be be quite stressful imo.

It's obvious with the bride having her own 2 Grandchildren in the role she has decided it's only fair there is a representation from your FILs side of the family & she has chosen your 9 yr old step-daughter. I would respect her decision especially given the circumstances of this child. I would buy my children beautiful dresses along with flowers for their hair & tell them not every little girl attending the wedding can be bridesmaids or there would be too many. This time it's just the 3 older children & that's OK. Enjoy the day.

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 09:50

Shambrigade · 11/02/2025 22:46

Clearly I don’t want to go to the wedding but DH says it will cause a big argument if I don’t and we should keep the peace for the sake of one day. DH doesn’t approve or like her either but it’s a condition of having a relationship with his dad, I’m not making him chose.

If your MIL was recently suicidal, surely your DH should put her first and refuse to go to the wedding? The favouritism towards your DSD who lives with you full time is just another example of your FIL's unacceptable and cruel behaviour. Your DH is pandering to him at the expense of his own mum and your two daughters.

Let him go to the wedding but refuse to go with your two daughters.

Grannyinnwaiting · 12/02/2025 09:53

I think YABU - it would be over the top to have 4 flower girls - she's having one FG from each side which seems reasonable buy your girls nice dresses and don't make a big deal out of it. Marriages break up - try to stop judging - your condemnation seems largely aimed at OW rather than FIL - he is the one who left MIL

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 09:54

thepariscrimefiles · 12/02/2025 09:50

If your MIL was recently suicidal, surely your DH should put her first and refuse to go to the wedding? The favouritism towards your DSD who lives with you full time is just another example of your FIL's unacceptable and cruel behaviour. Your DH is pandering to him at the expense of his own mum and your two daughters.

Let him go to the wedding but refuse to go with your two daughters.

MIL was suicidal 2 years ago (presumably when she found out about OW and/or when FIL left for the OW).

We have no idea where MIL is now, emotionally.

SerafinasGoose · 12/02/2025 09:57

This is a lot of angst over not very much. You're hostile to her - she has doubtless picked up on this however hard you might think you try to hide it - and she is retaliating by the low blow of bringing children into the mix. Not least, having bridesmaids as a mature bride seems pretty childish to me.

She already knows she's hit a nerve. Your FiL has told you that her bridesmaids are her business, therefore if he knows you're disgruntled about it, she soon will. In your shoes that would be the sum total of any satisfaction I was willing to give her.

I'm sick of the constant, tedious cajoling of women to be kind, to be nice, to put their own feelings last, and to 'be the bigger person'. It's gendered, and it's infuriating, and it's advice I very rarely give. However, I think from the details you've given, this situation is an exception. You say she thrives on creating division. If she really does want to use her wedding to do this, deny her that satisfaction. Attend with your daughters (dressed as guests, not additional bridesmaids), hold your head up high, be gracious and, outwardly at least, pleased for the happy couple. If she's of the disposition you say she is then this will irritate her far more than any equally passive-aggressive grand gesture. And what's in this for you? You get to keep the moral high ground and the knowledge that, if she's as divisive as this and willing to use her own wedding to indulge it, then the marriage likely won't last.

Once the wedding is over then consider distancing yourself and your daughters and putting in place firm boundaries to prevent any divisions being created between them. Nurture your relationship with MiL instead. But don't play into FiL's fiancee's hands by creating issues around the wedding. This will only give her the last laugh, that I can pretty much guarantee.

MissDoubleU · 12/02/2025 09:59

Whoarethoseguys · 12/02/2025 09:44

5 bridesmaids is a lot, I assume she wanted each side of the family to be represented so chose the eldest from father in law's side.
I think you should all go, buy lovely dresses for your daughters' which they can choose themselves unlike the bridesmaids, they can also choose head pieces and jewellery if they want and just relax and let them enjoy the day.

5 bridesmaids that are CHILDREN - too. This isn’t counting any actual grown woman the bride may wish to have as a bridesmaid (her best friend, her own sister??) to actually be helping her. She can only have so many, presumably she’s added 3 children already and another 2 just for show are not needed.

It would be very different if she excluded one of the twins. You would likely also be posting upset if all 3 of your DDs were excluded, but only having eldest and leaving the younger two as just attending means your side of the family is included as well as her own.

You say you’ve raised this child from 5 months old, to ten years now. I don’t think this very new woman in the family is going to specifically treat her differently as she is technically your “step” daughter. My guess is she’s done the right thing by including the eldest of your children. You know; the ones that call you mum.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 10:01

fashionqueen0123 · 12/02/2025 09:33

The mil has ruined it not the OP. She’d also explained that wasn’t the case and is considered to be the DSD mother.

Well she hasn’t ruined it has she. She’s having a wedding and has asked DSD to be bridesmaid. What exactly is she ruining?

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 10:03

Estampie · 12/02/2025 09:39

And this kind of batshittery is why there are so many threads on here from women well into middle age wailing about things like a coworker not inviting them to a housewarming party they never had any intention of attending (because it would have involved a 30-mile drive) because it made them feel 'excluded' that other colleagues were talking about it afterwards. An actual current thread.

Yep. And probably why so many people have child free wedding. I can’t believe Stealth Bridesmaiders are so common.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 10:04

ClockingOffers · 12/02/2025 09:42

Nope, I strongly disagree.

Just because the pathetic FIL is getting married to his Floozie doesn’t legitimise their relationship at all. It’s still based on lies and deception.

In OP’s shoes, I’d refuse to attend and DSD would definitely not be a bridesmaid.

So how long do you punish someone who did something that’s nothing to do with you?

And should OP be punished for the part in her DH’s ridiculously short time between having children? Some people think that it’s very immoral to swoop in so soon after a baby is born and have Family Number 2 within 2 years

Estampie · 12/02/2025 10:07

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 10:03

Yep. And probably why so many people have child free wedding. I can’t believe Stealth Bridesmaiders are so common.

Yes, well you can certainly see why that might have seemed an attractive option to the bride and groom in this case! What drama over a nine-year-old (who seems to have had a difficult childhood if her mother isn't on the scene, presumably for some sad reason, and she's being raised entirely by her father and stepmother) being a bridesmaid.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 10:08

YourWildAmberSloth · 12/02/2025 09:42

I doubt if most people would notice, let alone care. If it's an obvious omission like the brides daughter, perhaps, but most people have more important things to worry about. The idea that you had to check if there were flower girls before going to your brothers wedding, because his niece would be devastated is ridiculous.

I feel like some people are terrified that them or their child aren’t always centre stage. Just don’t set that expectation for your kid! And if they’re disappointed then that’s life! I think there’s a lot to be said for letting kids know “tough shit”

margeyoursoakinginit · 12/02/2025 10:11

Has the DSD's mum died? Is that why you say "she is not involved in her life and you looked after her from 5 months old?" That's the only thing that makes sense to me and would also explain the invite to be bridesmaid.

LAMPS1 · 12/02/2025 10:14

OP, you say that the bride has been deliberately divisive in the past, to the extent that she stands back and enjoys the fallout she creates among the family.
Just be aware that when you dislike somebody so much, - probably in this case also because of the hurt and humiliation caused to your MIL, it’s possible to over think a little bit and see it all as intentional when maybe it’s just carelessness or maybe a just a stronger personality pushing to have her own way.

Your DH is trying hard to maintain his close relationship with his dad which you rightly respect. You want to support him. And all 3 DD’s are invited. Nobody is excluded. You have downplayed your real seething reaction in front of your DD’s. All of that is good and places you in a good position to just get through the day. You have already naturally done the groundwork to push on through.
Your twins aren’t missing out. They have been bridesmaids before and you can easily boost their confidence in other ways and teach them they have to accept it’s not always their turn.

It is clearly wrong that she has done this. You are best to keep the day as short as possible, cause no ripples and give her nothing to gloat or feel smug about. It’s just a few hours to get through and it’s important for your DH to have you all by his side.
He’s no doubt torn in two by having to witness the event anyway, especially if it’s a difficult day for his mum on her own. I’d stick with him on this one OP.

OKNerd · 12/02/2025 10:20

SheilaFentiman · 12/02/2025 09:54

MIL was suicidal 2 years ago (presumably when she found out about OW and/or when FIL left for the OW).

We have no idea where MIL is now, emotionally.

I think it’s also important to not enable people like the suicidal MIL to still feel low/involved in drama by stringing the arse out of the conflict for years and years