DDs being left out of the wedding

[Shambrigade]

FIL is getting married this spring to his mistress (only mentioned as background and as she loves to cause rifts)
We have been civil to her throughout their relationship despite the issues she has caused as we wanted to be the better people and allow our children a relationship with their grandpa.
We don’t support their marriage based on how they became a couple, but DH wants a relationship with his dad. If he doesn’t accept her then his dad will go NC. This upset DH as he was very close to him before so he keeps quiet to keep the peace despite his mum’s feelings, they assume we are happy for them as we keep our opinions to ourselves.
OW has been friendly enough, but slowly in the past year she has been segregating our children. DH has a DD from a previous relationship and we have 2 together. OW has sent DSD an invitation exclaiming she will be her bridesmaid. She’s 9 and very excited. However the younger two haven’t been asked and are aware OW has left them out. They’re almost 7 - twins. They have seen DSD bridesmaid dress in photos and are upset they won’t have the same ‘princess’ dress. I’m livid that she’s leaving out 2 children and that FIL is allowing it.
AIBU to refuse to go to the wedding? DH will still want to go but I don’t think it’s fair for my DDs to be subjected to favouritism. FIL states it’s up to OW who her bridesmaids are and he won’t get involved.

This is the first time I’ve let it out after holding it in to keep the peace, but I’m sick of this woman causing divides. I’ve been friendly to her and never expressed my disgust, but I’ve had enough. I wish DH would tell them all to F off tbh and defend his children instead of wanting an easy life.
WWYD from here on out?

Flowers girls ARE bridesmaids and are chosen by the bride. Not by some deranged mother dressing their daughter up and giving them flower petals to throw at the bride

Next up @Maray1967 giving fashion advice to op for what to wear as wedding guest...
'Oh in Derry Girls Aunt Sara wears a lovely white dress to a wedding as a guest, that'd be stunning on you!'. 😆

Imagine if everyone put their kids in a flower girl role!!

I have a new found understanding of why people have child free weddings

I think you are acting like a petulant child OP .
Your dd is a bridesmaid already and is representing your family. Its impossible to have every girl child as a bridesmaid and please everyone.
This wedding is about your H and his relationships not you. If he can tolerate this woman for the sake of his Dad that’s on him.
Be supportive not a drama queen

The most depressing thing about this thread is the number of grown women who are indoctrinating their daughters with sexist gender stereotypes, where they should aspire to play princess in frilly dresses and tiaras, and make an emotionally manipulative fuss if thwarted.

Do we really need more looks-focused empty-headed women in the world?

Wow, OP, you are spoiling for a fight with this woman. You'd honestly ignore your DH's feelings about his relationship with his father and spoil your eldest daughter's day when you could easily just make your youngest daughters' by buying them great dresses and making it lots of fun for them. Absolutely wrong.

You also say your DT have already been bridesmaids, so it’s not like they’re missing out on this once in a lifetime experience which DSD has been blessed with. They are also still attending the wedding. What does it matter where they stand? They’re 7 years old, FGS. They don’t need a special role. It’s very impressive they have already been bridesmaids.

They should be taught that it’s never a snub to not be asked to be in a wedding party or they’re going to start expecting it at every wedding they’re aware of. Bloody 27 dresses over here.

I don't know when people will understand the difference with blended families overall - in relation to invites, inheritance, time spent together, etc. and almost every single issue. And, secondly, that you can't bend everyone to your will.

Having to wade through a waist high pile of rose petals because flower girls aren't bridesmaids so all the under 10 year old girls are in princess dresses and throwing petals 🤣

Am amazed by all the posters who think your FIL’s wife to be has done nothing wrong, OP! And, yes, imo asking one DC out of three to be a bridesmaid IS leaving the other two out. Just because there are two of them doesn’t mean they can’t/won’t feel upset by the different treatment.

Honestly, regardless of what has happened, a wedding isn't the time to score points, try to out do the bride, or for choosing clothing in the aim of starting a fight. It really isn't. You just end up looking undignified and petty.

Let her have her day how she wants. It's just one day. But rethink the relationships afterwards.

Honestly I think you need to explore therapy to explore, understand and come to terms with your feelings towards you FIL wife-to-be. You don't know the ins and outs of his first marriage, and relationships breakdown. This woman isn't going anywhere, and she is going to be tied more and more closely with your family.

Your hostility towards her is palpable, however clever people think they are, these things always come across.

You can either press on with a lifetime of creating family misery and drama, or you can suck it up. This is happening, this woman isn't going anywhere.

Haha, deranged mother. 😂

Some mental people on this thread trying to shoehorn kids into the wedding party that are not invited.

A friend of mine had four nieces she didn’t ask to be bridesmaids and her sil was upset. On the wedding day all four girls arrived in white bridesmaids dresses with floral tiaras. They looked adorable. They had a great day. This was 20 years ago -bride and sil laugh about it now! My friend admitted afterwards she should have asked them to be bridesmaids in the first place. This answer seems far preferable to refusing to go.

So your DSD will be walking up the aisle feeling like a princess in her lovely dress, only to have her SM ruining it all by throwing a hissy fit because the twins weren't involved. Lovely way to take the shine off DSD's "special moment". Honestly, grow up.

Great post!

No one is saying she hasn’t done anything wrong (although with OP’s perspective I’d quite like to know more about this relationship) but they’re getting married and there’s a point where everyone has to get over it and move on

How can you think this is anything but disgusting selfish behaviour? And I’m sure the SIL laughs through gritted teeth. Or your friend is deluded when she says the SIL was fine.

And no, people would rather psychos weren’t at their wedding than there forcing bridesmaids onto the wedding party.

Nobody is cool with this and it’s shit parenting. Like I say imagine if everybody did this!

I think all the people making a big deal out of what people, and especially children are wearing on weddings are weird. Just get dd some dress of their choice and get on with it.

Then it's the parent's job to teach them that life isn't fair at times and they can't always get what they want.

DSD looks at you as she walks excitedly down the aisle and sees your slapped arse face

I know who DSD is going to feel more hurt by and it's not Bride

The mil has ruined it not the OP. She’d also explained that wasn’t the case and is considered to be the DSD mother.

100% disagree.

Also, plenty of venues request that petals etc are not scattered, so you are just being obnoxious to the venue as well as putting the DDs in an awkward position if, say, one of the other bridesmaids has to ask them
to stop as the bride doesn’t want petals,

Dying inside at the amount of grown women telling the OP to buy them all bridesmaids dresses. You do realise that the vast majority of the congregation will assume the OP is insane, ridiculously petty or looking to cause a fight on someone’s wedding day? You can only assume that most of the wedding guests won’t hate the bride and groom and it will reflect worse on the OP than them.

Don’t rise to the bait and cause stress where it’s not needed. Dress your twin DDs in flowery pretty dresses and apart from walking down the aisle they won’t have all that different an experience as your eldest.

They are 7 and they will be over it the next day:

I can’t blame you for being livid on your MILs behalf but this can happen and you probably just need to grin and bare it