Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

So it's probably wild and completely chaotic round there, with zero boundaries or rules .
It's amazing the little girl is as good as she is living with that level of chaos.

I admire you for doing this when your child has flown - you are very brave

If you're determined to stay with your partner you need to let this all go and accept that this is how he is(I couldn't)

You're not going to change him or his ex. We don't have that power over people.

You’re on a wind up.

I agree that if the child is struggling then giving him screens etc is not an answer. But neither is saying that he has to do what is told. The answer is to get the child the support and structure that he needs. At both home and school. And that is a huge amount of relentless hard work that doesn't stop.

** What is the boy like when you are on your own with him?

Why would op be on her own with the child?
She is not the babysitter? She has no say in how his parents parent unless can gently persuade her dp to attend some classes.....

I think that whether this child has autism is a red herring.

The OP has been dating the boyfriend for under two years, is not married to him and doesn’t live with him. She has the same parental rights and responsibilities as the person who works in the local paper shop.

Yes you have. All the details are exactly the same. And there's a LOT of detail.

Plenty of people have told the OP that she doesn't know what a meltdown is, but she insists she does. So if she is saying he's having a meltdown, not a tantrum, why are you telling her she is wrong?

No I live In Newcastle I only joined this about a hour ago!

Your boyfriend is a shitty dad;my friends awful ex was like this with their autistic son;at Disney dads house there was no routines,no rules,no boundaries just "fun" because Disney dad couldn't be bothered to be a decent parent out of pure and utter laziness.

My friend would dread her son coming home as he'd be disregulated,tired,in a foul mood and his behaviour would be atrocious for the next few days and it'd be a fight to get him back into routine and following rules and respecting boundaries at home.

I can't imagine what the kids mum has to cope with when her son comes home.

I hope you're not planning on procreating with this poor excuse for a man.

Your boyfriend isn't a decent person as if he was he'd try to be a decent parent;honestly I couldn't be with a man like that as it would give me the ick big time.

you can’t just let a child do fun things all the time without asserting some level of authority. That’s my whole point. A child who wasn’t on the spectrum wouldn’t have this life, so why should a SEN child be able to just live life doing everything he wants to do? It’s in no way beneficial for him in the long run.

Yes but you will have no say over this as it's not your child.
If you want to do something about that you can report them but you are not going to change how they parent. They're not listening to you. You need to stop fighting it.

I know the one you are thinking of… but that OP had no children and was pregnant. This OP has an adult child. But everything else is very similar!

Oh have I? Thanks for letting me know?

You claim to care for him and want to understand his autism but anyone who suggests that you need to understand that parenting him may be different to your experiences of parenting you just double down by describing this 5 year old autistic child as a master manipulator. You attribute negative motivations to his behaviour, he wants a ‘holiday’, he enjoys ‘ruling the roost’ etc etc, I’ve not seen you give him the benefit of the doubt once. Maybe it’s an actual meltdown, not a tantrum, like you want to insist. Or maybe it’s a tantrum and he doesn’t want to go home because his home life i s terrible - you’ve said yourself mum has SS involvement. Or maybe he just really misses his dad and wants to stay with him.

You don’t take any advice on board from people with experience. You’re very defensive, lack any education on autism and like I said only attribute negatives to the poor boy and people are picking up on that.

Ultimately even if you were open to actual advice that would help, as yes your partner doesn’t sound great at routines, you won’t get the chance to change things as your partner is clear that he doesn’t want your involvement. You don’t want to break up with him, so you accept that this is the way it’s going to be for the foreseeable and make peace with it.

Agree @bigvig
Op has used some incorrect terminology but she is struggling and admitting it, some crazy responses.
Perhaps OPs use of "low end" meant people have interpreted as "low functioning" even though these labels are frowned upon, but we all realise that the children who are always going to need full support are very different from OPs partners son who also has ASD. A very disabled child would not be as impaired by the lax dad letting him stay any time and would not necessarily understand, if I do x, y happens. This boy needs consistency and routines (and school).

I’d walk away. Would I balls be starting again with such a wishy washy excuse for a father & complicated situation.

I think some people on this thread are falling over their own feet to pick apart the way that you try and phrase anything. It’s abundantly obvious your intentions aren’t to be offensive but there’s many that circle like crows on here just waiting to pick somebody to pieces.

Yes I rememember that post and it was identical apart from the pregnancy. They got a lot of stick for having a baby with him when they are in this situation so I wouldn’t be surprised if they left that part out. A lot of people on mumsnet love to tell people they shouldn’t be having the baby they are pregnant with/just had

I find this response utterly bizarre - despite all the experts by experience giving you advice on this thread you seem determined that you’ll be able to discipline his autism away with a structured routine 🤨

Often one takes out the children of friends, and one would assume OP would spend time alone with the 'step' children.

Bedtimes with a routine around them , a warm bath with bubbles and ''water play'' - and then a story is very settling for many kids.

Sounds like the father isn't putting in effort, and the maternal home life sounds chaotic with lots of children with different dads - {Do they all get to stay with their respective dads?}..Doesn't sound a stable , grounded childhood.

the actual advice I have thanked people on. The rest seem to be people asserting their strange opinions about meltdowns and my knowledge of Autism. I actually dread to think of some home lives here. So because of a meltdown he should be able to stay with his dad, not attend school and go to bed when his dad does? Basically mirror his father not a child? Whilst his other child has to behave as a child because she wasn’t born with a disability? Il let my partner know now to give up work completely as we have zero hope as autistic children apparently control the house hold.

Reach of the century… OP hasn’t implied she will ‘fix the autism’. Clearly, ANY child with or without autism would struggle with such a lack of routine that included staying up all night bloody gaming. Get a grip.

You said that you have posted in order to learn, but I'm not really seeing the growth mindset...

I'm thinking about the one in Liverpool, and she was talking about getting pregnant (had she had a miscarriage and the partner was no support?) but wanted to get pregnant again.

Tbh, I took that thread with a pinch of salt, so whether OP claims to have DC or not, or live in Newcastle or Liverpool, I still believe she's posted before.

I can most definitely assure you there are no babies in my relationship