Boyfriends autistic son

[Indigo270]

So me and my partner have an amazing relationship, I have a grown daughter (22) who has moved out and has her own place. He has 2 children a daughter who’s 4 and son who’s 5 who live 2hrs away but come to visit school holidays and every other weekend, sometimes every weekend depending on plans either side etc. I have a good relationship with both children, mainly his daughter however I just wanted to ask opinions/advice on his son..

firstly I do love his son to pieces but he is really starting to take a toll on our relationship and I hate to say this. His son has autism.. low end of the spectrum. But I feel my partner uses this as an excuse for his behaviour. When it’s time for him to go back home after visits he will create such a fuss most of the time my partner allows him to stay… meaning he misses school, my partner lets him stay up until whenver he likes with no bed time on XBox, allows him to get up whenever he likes, follow him around everywhere, go round to his friends houses with him until 11/12 at night, co sleep in his bed (we live separate officially but when the children aren’t here we basically live together), basically he is treated more as a friend rather than a son. My partner will not allow me to say a word about it, however I do have huge concerns especially the fact he just thinks it’s ok to keep him off school because he didn’t want to go home? I mean of course he isn’t going to want to go back home where he has to be treated like a child and have rules? I have tried to say to him when his child is kicking off when it’s time to go home and climbing under cars or holding lamp posts etc he is basically rewarding his bad behaviour by allowing him to stay instead of making him behave well then come back down? Or at least making it that if he does stay then he has to follow a set routine, as the way it stands now why would he want to go home and be in school and have a routine? I feel like I can completely empathise that he has autism but enabling his behaviour and just allowing him to rule the roost isn’t helping anything at all? His daughter is the most well behaved good girl ever, has manners, listens to what you say and comes down and goes back with absolutely no issues, often telling her brother to shut up and he’s annoying her once the crying and kick offs start when it’s time to leave. Even then my partner totally doesn’t help situations and starts molly coddling and making it a big dramatic ending instead of just being positive and telling him he will be back next week!
I don’t know.. I just feel like it’s getting me down and on the weeks his child does stay because my partner gave in and didn’t send him home I don’t get a single moment with my partner alone, we have no intimacy, our routine is out the window, he barely goes to work (self employed works with his friend) so I end up paying for everything and it’s really not ok. It would be different if he came to live with us and we had a schedule and routine but he doesn’t and everything just ends up revolving around him.

am I being unreasonable in this situation?

Also my son is almost never in school because the school can't meet his needs. He also can't write his name despite resitting reception.

His emotional welfare will always come above education and forcing him into school will not leave him with an attitude to learn. It will be stress.

So take a few steps back and perhaps try and see things from this kids perspective.

It does look that way. It is understandable the boy's dad is unwilling to take advice from the op when she knows absolutely nothing about autism. She really needs to stay out of this and let them get on with it.

But this child is having a tantrum, not a meltdown.

Which I’m not going to do .. ever :)

iv been around this child for 2 years so he hasn’t ruined anything I “want” at all, very strange response. He comes as a package with his dad. G

@Indigo270 You have already posted about this before and you will get the same answers. Your bf is NOT a good father, he's a loser doing drugs and playing xbox all night with his son. This is not an autism problem, it's a safeguarding issue. Many told you last time to call SS on him because he's not a responsable parent that any child, but especially a SEN child would need. Nothing has changed since last time you posted : bf still being a crap parent, not working, doing drugs, gaming all night with his 5 year old autistic son. You have a bloody responsability to report him because his children's needs are not being met and their health and safety is compromised. Please do the right thing!

Only read the first post so may come back and edit.... mum of 2 asd DC here, both mine struggle with transitions and it sounds like this is the case with your partners DS but your partner is not helping him at all with this. Leaving the zero routine aside and looking solely at the transitions, a timetable could help with this, visual pictures of we are going to have dinner, story/playtime, then hugs, shoes, hugs, back to mummy's sort of thing so the child can see what's happening along with a calendar to show when daddy is picking him back up. Your partner then needs to 100% stick with this and hopefully the transitions will be easier as the child knows the routine and what's coming.
As for the no bedtime, no sense of routine in general, Disney dads give me the ick and you need to decide if you want to tackle this next as the boy regardless of having SEN needs a routine and decent sleep and boundaries, or if you can live with him being a Disney dad. Personally if he couldn't step up and be a responsible parent and stayed a Disney dad i would have to walk away or at a minimum only be around him when the children are with their mother

Sometimes routines don't work. A lot of autistic people thrive on routine but some (check out PDA) need variety and autonomy.

Being more open than I usually am on here...
I have two autistic DC. We've always been quite strict, rule driven parents.
Both DC were "challenging" when younger, in different ways, but in the last 2 years both their wheels have come off.
Neither can handle school.
One has what you'd call tantrums, one has panic attacks. Both those things are meltdowns in their own form, neither controllable nor "done on purpose"
We've always, always been rule and routine driven but these days it's a bloody miracle if both of them are in school at the same time.
Every single day is unsettled, not knowing if they will be able to go and if I can actually get to work. And that is children who have always lived in the same household and don't have the constant upheaval of co parents.
Having him there full time (if even possible) may not be the magic bullet you think

with us IE in our city. And we actually do live together when the children aren’t down.. or did you miss my post?

So you have been in this child's life for 2 years ,yet you know nothing about autism.
There's plenty of books you could of bought ,or articles on line you could of educated yourself with about the condition.
But instead you chose to run the dad down on here .
It's actually hereditary, autism,so quite possible the dad has it too.
Both my boys are diagnosed autistic and I got diagnosed after them age 50 ..
It's really really hard parenting a child with autism,
and for any child it's really hard living in a step family ,and extra hard living in a step family with autism.
If your not on the dad's side supporting him ,and encouraging him ,there's no point you being together.
You really need to read up on autism if your staying in this child's life

So uncalled for.

A meltdown isn’t a tantrum, no behaviour adjustment methods are going to work if that that’s how you’re approaching it. But as others have said, just simply saying things like ‘low end of the spectrum’ just shows how ignorant you are of the condition. And spending a few hours on MN with a split between parents of ND children getting riled up by your inability to even gain some insight on your own time, and those who will try and blame the dad for not setting boundaries, it won’t go well.

As a single parent of autistic children, I’d never introduce them to a partner who had no understanding of autism. It would never work, as proven here.

No need for this. Op is right, they cannot carry on with no boundaries or rules or routine, any child would be kicking off in this environment.

That's not a meltdown then. That's a tantrum. The OP said meltdown.

Does your partner understand Autism and how to parent a ND child. Does his mum? It sounds like every adult in this child's life is failing him. My suggestion, for what it's worth would be to have the son and daughter on different weekends.

The girl sounds completely missed out of the whole family situation. Maybe see the son less at dads, so he has less transitions to deal with, maybe once a month to start with. On the other weekend the dad goes to visit him at home and has him for the day but returns him at night. Takes the daughter out on the Sunday then comes home.
g

Dad could get some support from a charity or organisation who can teach parenting skills, coping mechanisms etc during the week and slowly build contact.

I think you should step right back. Even in a NT relationship I think you have been introduced too soon, considering how young the children are. Teenagers may be more accepting after such a short time but little ones don't understand.

Iv never posted before about him?

This. ☝️
Routines and 'discipline' {Discipline isn't hitting or punishments} really help many children.

Of course most children want to be up doing fun things.

@Indigo270 What is the boy like when you are on your own with him?
I feel sorry for the well behaved sibling, she must constantly feel second best if all the attention is given to the tantrums of the boy.

Yes, it's a tantrum. She obviously used the wrong word, from her explanations of the situation the little boy is having a tantrum.

@Indigo270
I understand you're completely coming from a place of care and concern but what are you planning to do with the advice you get here?
Force your partner and his ex to try it?

Its very clear they don't want to listen to you, will not take your advice and are going to continue to parent their son the way they currently do.

So what is your plan? To be frustrated about it and search for help and advice until child is 18? Longer?

Or do you think if you advise them this time, they'll listen to you and change how they parent?

Not read the full thread.

Find an online course on supporting autistic children with transitions. There are LOADS of CPD type courses for childcare and teachers in this subject and you will find it really helpful.

A course or some research on sensory processing in autistic children would be very helpful. Particularly for understanding how somewhere like an airport is a recipe for disaster if you don't put support in place for the child going through that.

He's not your child so it should really be his dad doing these courses and implementing the changes and support. You doing them without dad doing it to will just lead to resentment from everyone. Again not your child but if you read his diagnosis report it will state areas if identified difficulties and again there will be a multitude of online courses and webinars on specific things relevant to dss. He could have poor language processing or he may not, he may have significant sensory needs or he may not, he may have indicators for ADHD but not diagnosed as too young- this will be a whole new set of challenges. Hard for strangers in the internet to advise as we don't know the specific needs of this child.

Some autistic kids will really benefit from structure and routine, clear boundaries, expectations and consequences. But if he's demand avoidant implementing these things will make everything worse. You need the diagnosis report and a good open communication with school and mum to know the approach to take. You need to be working with mum and school. And when I say you I mean your partner. You can support but it's NOT YOUR JOB. Does your partner attend school meetings etc? He absolutely should be. You shouldn't have to pay for things because partner missing work.

I have a very high needs autistic child. He can be ok when managed correctly and all his needs met. His dad hasn't bothered to learn his specific needs and subsequently has really terrible behaviour at his house. His step mum has had to step in and parent because dad so shit and she hasn't been to all the meeting and appointments and hasn't read the reports to my knowledge. Not that his dad does these things but poor step mum is set up to loose. Myself I'm single because my partner couldn't cope with all my attention going to my son, if I give my full attention I can keep my son level but that's been shit for a relationship and I'm resolved to stay single now because I need to prioritise my child. Your partner needs to prioritise his kid, maybe with better understanding things will improve and you can have more time for your relationship or maybe with better understanding dss will be more level but your partner will still be giving all his time and attention to dss to achieve this.

Don't let yourself be taken advantage of. Partner can only allow him off school because you are financially contributing?

Also autism has a strong genetic link. You are getting to see how a shared child with autism would be patented by your partner. Is this what you want? How do you think dss would cope with another autistic child having meltdowns and dad necessarily having less time for him?

I’ve remembered now! There was a very very similar post recently. However, the OP of that post did not have an adult child.

OP lots of self righteous comments here as usual, I see you came here for honest advice but you're getting eaten alive for not using the correct terminology tut tut. I understood perfectly what you meant by low end of the spectrum. Well done for trying to reach out and get help for yourself and your stepson, I think routine is key, you will have to accept the weekends/alone time at weekends may not happen, maybe have weeknight nights doing things together? It's a constant learning journey for all of you I'm afraid, good luck.

What is the real world? Do you mean the realm world where children go to school and parents work? Or where parents can relax on holidays? That isn't the real world but a privilege that parents of autistic children typically don't get. You are clueless.

I have no idea what's going on with this thread. All the training I've ever had on dealing with autistic children is that they need more routine and structure not less. Yes absolutely be understanding and calm when enforcing those routines but to allow a 5 year old to scream and therefore miss school is terrible parenting on every level. Be understanding, be flexible to a point, but the aim needs to be structure and a predictable routine.