An update to all who responded to my thread about dropping out of uni...

[yakamoza]

Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone who has given me advice on my thread about my son wanting to drop out of uni. And, of course, I am here again to give an update on that and ask for more advice on how to cope with what's happened since my last post.

Since my son wasn't responding to our texts or calls, we decided to reach out to his gf and she told us he's not been going to lectures at all and generally had no motivation to do anything. She told us that even when she suggests doing various things at the weekend, he isn't that enthusiastic about it and doesn't want to do anything. She then told us that they decided to split and therefore wouldn't be seeing as much of each other as before.

After we spoke to his gf, I was extremely concerned by what she told us as this was a completely misaligned with what he had been telling us before Christmas. He himself wasn't responding to my requests for calls or my texts, so last week my husband and I decided to drive up to his uni accommodation to see him. You probably will not believe it but a) his gf was in his room with him and b) out of embarrassment or something else, he refused to open the door and speak to us!

I had to call my sister and ask her husband to speak to him since my son always had a good relationship with him. In the end, he informed even him that he decided to quit uni and focus on YouTube. My BIL told him it wasn't acceptable to keep ignoring your parents and refuse to open the door and see them after they drove to see you for 2 hours and suggested that he calls and apologises. He did call in the end but rather than apologise told us that it was always our idea for him to go to uni rather than his and he doesn't want to pursue that anymore. At that point, my husband informed him that we would respect his decision but also would have to stop funding both his accommodation and living expenses and he'd have to work something out himself. He said fine and that's how that conversation ended.

I don't really know what I am here to ask or what I expect to hear. I know that we have likely gone badly wrong somewhere and failed as parents but I am still so heartbroken and sad about the level of deceipt that we have uncovered as my son was telling us throughout October, November, December and even January that he really understood how important it was for him to study and how he was spending all his time in the library. He asked us to help him buy a new laptop in November as his old one wasn't working well. We did buy one as we really thought he needed it to study.

I am now just completely shocked that he has essentially been lying to us for months and pretty much doing nothing while we have been funding his accommodation and living expenses and he has been incurring debt on his tuition fees while doing absolutely nothing as described by his girlfriend. I do realise that he may be suffering from depression and I did tell him that we can get help if he is depressed and that we would always be there for him too. He just ignored all that, and I am still really worried, concerned and at the same time disgusted by all the lies he's been telling us about studying while accepting our money for living expenses and accommodation and essentially wasting it all on nothing. I also discovered he took out the maintenance loan from the Student Loan Company despite the fact that we have been funding his groceries and rent. I have no idea where the money has been going and what he's been spending it on as he doesn't buy clothes, gadgets, go out or does anything else that could explain his expenses.

I know that I shouldn't be making this about how I feel and that I should be working out how I can help him but I just can't stop thinking about his deception and wondering where I went wrong as a parent while also worrying about his future. I also can't stop feeling deceived and disgusted with the whole situation and can't stop blaming myself for doing an abysmal job as a parent as we evidently went very wrong somewhere... I don't really know where and how to find a way forward from this and what to do, so I am hoping to hear some advice from other parents.

@SlightlyJaded I have managed to get a response from him by text. He still says he isn't ready to talk and asked us to give him some space. I have tried approaching the topic of changing courses with him before when he first mentioned he didn't really enjoy his current one. I encouraged him to look into it and find the one that would be closer to what he enjoys. He said he would but never did anything about it.

I can, of course, look into it myself but I am reluctant to do that for 2 reasons: 1) he will see it as parental interference again and 2) if we keep doing this sort of thing, I worry that he will never learn to take both the initiative and the responsibility for his own choices. It is really hard to strike that balance and I am still trying to learn to do that as a parent.

Yes, he was fired from the job, submitted a leave of absence request to uni apparently only on encouragement from his gf and now (this is according to the university's wellbeing team) he isn't responding to their requests for a meeting in which they'd like to discuss his request for leave of absence!

He did respond to me by text in the end but said he wasn't ready to talk and just would like some space for now and asked me to respect that. I have no choice but to respect his request as I don't want to keep driving him away. I did tell him again though that if he needs anything, we are on the other end of the phone.

I am not really sure what else I can do at the moment.

I'm watching your updates and feel sad for you. I'd be very worried and disappointed if my children did this. I'd continue to withdraw all financial support including his phone/Internet. He'll have to hit rock bottom before realising he has better option's aside from homelessness. Helping him financially would only encourage his self absorbed behaviour. Goodness knows why his girlfriend is hanging onto him?! He will get through this and realise he was wrong. Perhaps an apprenticeship would be a better fit for him, when he gets through this silly phase.

OP, you are in a horribly difficult situation now, damned if you do and damned if you don't. Whilst I think you have to respect your son's desire for time and space, has he indicated whether he is expecting you to fund this time and space? I wouldn't necessarily cut him off at the end of this month but you have been very generous so far and realistically he can only expect perhaps another month of rent being paid before he needs to stand on his own 2 feet. He can't expect the luxury of finding himself on someone else's money at his age and stage of life. He effectively already had two gap years and is on his second go at university so he's had all of the leeway that anyone can reasonably expect.