An update to all who responded to my thread about dropping out of uni...

[yakamoza]

Firstly, I'd like to thank everyone who has given me advice on my thread about my son wanting to drop out of uni. And, of course, I am here again to give an update on that and ask for more advice on how to cope with what's happened since my last post.

Since my son wasn't responding to our texts or calls, we decided to reach out to his gf and she told us he's not been going to lectures at all and generally had no motivation to do anything. She told us that even when she suggests doing various things at the weekend, he isn't that enthusiastic about it and doesn't want to do anything. She then told us that they decided to split and therefore wouldn't be seeing as much of each other as before.

After we spoke to his gf, I was extremely concerned by what she told us as this was a completely misaligned with what he had been telling us before Christmas. He himself wasn't responding to my requests for calls or my texts, so last week my husband and I decided to drive up to his uni accommodation to see him. You probably will not believe it but a) his gf was in his room with him and b) out of embarrassment or something else, he refused to open the door and speak to us!

I had to call my sister and ask her husband to speak to him since my son always had a good relationship with him. In the end, he informed even him that he decided to quit uni and focus on YouTube. My BIL told him it wasn't acceptable to keep ignoring your parents and refuse to open the door and see them after they drove to see you for 2 hours and suggested that he calls and apologises. He did call in the end but rather than apologise told us that it was always our idea for him to go to uni rather than his and he doesn't want to pursue that anymore. At that point, my husband informed him that we would respect his decision but also would have to stop funding both his accommodation and living expenses and he'd have to work something out himself. He said fine and that's how that conversation ended.

I don't really know what I am here to ask or what I expect to hear. I know that we have likely gone badly wrong somewhere and failed as parents but I am still so heartbroken and sad about the level of deceipt that we have uncovered as my son was telling us throughout October, November, December and even January that he really understood how important it was for him to study and how he was spending all his time in the library. He asked us to help him buy a new laptop in November as his old one wasn't working well. We did buy one as we really thought he needed it to study.

I am now just completely shocked that he has essentially been lying to us for months and pretty much doing nothing while we have been funding his accommodation and living expenses and he has been incurring debt on his tuition fees while doing absolutely nothing as described by his girlfriend. I do realise that he may be suffering from depression and I did tell him that we can get help if he is depressed and that we would always be there for him too. He just ignored all that, and I am still really worried, concerned and at the same time disgusted by all the lies he's been telling us about studying while accepting our money for living expenses and accommodation and essentially wasting it all on nothing. I also discovered he took out the maintenance loan from the Student Loan Company despite the fact that we have been funding his groceries and rent. I have no idea where the money has been going and what he's been spending it on as he doesn't buy clothes, gadgets, go out or does anything else that could explain his expenses.

I know that I shouldn't be making this about how I feel and that I should be working out how I can help him but I just can't stop thinking about his deception and wondering where I went wrong as a parent while also worrying about his future. I also can't stop feeling deceived and disgusted with the whole situation and can't stop blaming myself for doing an abysmal job as a parent as we evidently went very wrong somewhere... I don't really know where and how to find a way forward from this and what to do, so I am hoping to hear some advice from other parents.

@yakamoza

He has no hope whatsoever of getting a visa to work in the US. Sorry to be blunt.

He is basically an unskilled and unqualified young man with a secondary education under his belt and no experience beyond entry-level employment. Work visas are for people with degrees and years of solid employment.

I suspect the half-baked idea about going to the US is escapism and denial of reality. A 'faraway fields are green' delusion. It shows beyond any doubt that he is not capable of knuckling down where he is.

Nevertheless, I believe Australia offers people aged 18 to 30 the opportunity to get a Working Holiday Visa (class 417 for UK nationals), allowing 12 months of work/ travel. Cousins of mine did it and had a blast - worked in bars, waited tables, did lawn/ yard work, carried materials on construction sites, did door to door leaflet drops, window cleaning, etc. They lived in very basic motels and if they didn't work they didn't eat drink.
He would need AUS$5000 in his bank account to support himself initially.

An experience like that might help him get over himself.

@mathanxiety That's a really good idea, it would give him a complete change of scene and he’d have to be independent/get on with working in order to keep himself.

Id suggest that him @yakamoza . I’m in the US and unfortunately, getting a work visa here is definitely not going to happen.

If he fancies USA then Camp America or similar is a well known route for a summer job and includes visa that allows 30 days travel at end. Would be a change of scene. The last in person recruitment fayre is London 1/3.
You can go as a general camp counsellor or with a skill like lifeguard, sports instructor etc.
Theres a scheme for commonwealth, I know a yp working in Whistler in Canada.

@yakamoza at least you keep trying. That he is messaging his uncle and looking at work outside university is promising.
I hope he responds to you soon. Like a pp said, positive messages of love and support with no conditions attached should definitely help - both your relationship and your son.
Wishing you the best of luck x

Some Camp America camps do random drug testing of employees. This might not work out well for him.

@yakamoza I thought ''Drug use'' immediately when you mentioned paranoia, money disappearing with nothing to show for it, and the complete lack of motivation.

Plus the covering it up and burying his head in the sand.

It must be very concerning.

Communication is the only way- but he is actively ignoring your efforts to communicate.

The ''America'' thing is further running away {?}

Sometimes travelling {working away} can be good for people, but only if their mental health is quite good and stable.

Being in a strange country otherwise can be unsettling, and quite lonely.

I hope your son finds himself- He does sound a bit depressed..

Does his Girlfriend use drugs as well?

paranoia, money disappearing with nothing to show for it, and the complete lack of motivation.
Plus the covering it up and burying his head in the sand.

@oakleaffy This has now become my biggest concern of all. He told us he left his job but we have now discovered he was dismissed for gross misconduct after failing to respond to his manager's multiple communications and requests for contact!

While everything I've said about his lack of motivation and general commitment to studying or hobbies is still true, I would say that this kind of behaviour along with not responding to university or not opening the door to see his parents is not typical of him. He has never been so irresponsible as not to turn up for work and not to inform his manager! When he previously did temp summer jobs at various fast food places, even at the end of summer when it was time to return to school or university, he always informed his team lead! He never just stopped going to work without telling anyone. I also wouldn't say that he is normally the type of person, who wouldn't respond to the university's calls or emails at all.

He may not have demonstrated any adult level responsibility for some things before but has never been this irresponsible.

This makes me think that his use must be now quite significant if it's starting to affect his behaviour in this way, i.e. complete indifference to all areas of life, incl. responsibility for work, relationships with others etc.

I honestly don't know what to do given that he has effectively stopped communicating with us. I am not in significant doubt that he will ever respond to the university or open the door if they turn up to do the wellbeing check etc.

I am trying to look positively at his contact with his uncle re America but I must say I am finding it hard to feel any enthusiasm about it as I also can't shake the feeling that it is just another attempt to run away from reality that requires him to take actions that he doesn't like or doesn't want to take. Once the university concludes he isn't interested in studying and doesn't make or respond to any contact, I suspect they will also just dismiss him and then there basically will be nobody I can turn to to maintain contact with him and help him. To say that I am sad and scared is to say nothing at all. I honestly have no clue what I need to do next or what I can do more generally. I try my best not to panic but really struggling with that too.

The change in behaviour may well be linked to drug taking. My dc has been open with me about the extent in her first year uni flat, it’s the exception not to take. I admit I felt a touch naive.
How did you find out about him being dismissed from Job?
Can you access any counselling or employee support via work.

We found out about work because his company called us as NoK due to no contact from his side.

We have counselling and employee support but I still can't collect my thoughts on how to describe why I am contacting them...

I'd text him to offer support and say whatever he chooses for his life right now, you want him to know you love him and am proud of him for making his own choices.

Most university students these days use drugs to various degrees whether parents know or want to know!

Depression can also cause paranoia, and it can also cause drug use so it's a vicious cycle. But at the root of it is depression which I think is the angle you need to come from.

If he isn't happy doing his degree but feels pressured and stuck, this will cause depression and the desire to run away from his life and responsibilities.

I would encourage him to come home for a while - if at all possible. Give him your full support.

If he doesn't want to come home, I would ask the university to stay involved and continue with the welfare checks as you are concerned - give them an update about no contact with work etc. I would also contact your GP with your concerns and ask if a support worker of some sort could be involved, if he continues to isolate himself. Just having a girlfriend and no outside activities is not a good sign.

Are you able to visit him this weekend?

Even meeting him just for a quick coffee would give you a good idea of his state of mind/health at the moment. Could you go alone?

@sparrowflewdown I'd love him to come home but he made it clear he doesn't want to. I think it's becoming increasingly apparent why! I'll see where the university gets to with trying to contact him and will then try the GP/social services as you suggest although with the current strain on public services, I am not too sure what support we will manage to get! Thank you for your advice.

I'd love to visit but he is still not responding to our texts or calls. If we turned up uninvited again, I very much doubt that the outcome would be different to the one we had last weekend, when he refused to open the door and talk to us. I am honestly at my wits' end and totally clueless as to what I can do to convince him to meet with us.

Whilst I sympathise with your situation, I’m Not sure what you think social services would be able to do? If he has the capacity to make an informed choice he is allowed to make unwise choices and social services will not get involved. They assess adults under the Care Act 2014 and he would not meet the eligibility criteria for input or services.

"money disappearing with nothing to show for it"

On the money part of this problem.
Most student lets run 12 months from July to July. There's no time off bills or rent for uni holidays.
Do you have a copy of the lease? You may have to pay a penalty for ending it at the end of the month with 5 months left to run. Is your name on it. It might be that only he can cancel it.

In private accomodation, apart from rent which you are covering, he has to pay his share of bills. Is that also covered by you? After that food and living expenses. The maintenance loan you said he took out - last time I looked was £3.5K-£4k and paid at the start of each term.
These expenses and bills continue through the terms so its not 30 weeks, its 52 weeks till july, paid termly - which would work out for £4k approx £230 a month? That's not a massive amount to live on. I realise rent is a big bill for you if he's not continuing but it real terms, he's not frittering large amounts of money away with nothing to show for it. Its living expenses.

If you suddenly cancelled his lease at the end of the month as your DH told him he would, he would be evicted by the landlord, perhaps leaving his flatmates with unpaid share of bills. This could be quite a huge drama for him. In his position I would see it as communication has broken down so much he is avoiding you both and this could seem like punishment in retaliation. I don't thiink it would encourage him to come home and if he did I'm not sure he would be in a frame of mind to co-operate with you any more than he does now.

I understand you can't continue to finance him doing nothing... but the current plan of a sharp cut off, doesn't allow him a way forward, or a chance to sort himself out, particularly if he really is suffering from depression, or even if he simply can't see a way out of his problems. I guess what I am saying is what is the best way to encourage job seeking/decisions/planning/tackling depression, becoming more independent and most of all rebuilding bridges with his parents, as it is very evident that you do care about him.

You also have not much to go on when considering if he's on drugs or not. It's probably that he's smoked or is smoking some weed (I know its not great) is all you know at the moment. Perhaps it is worth contacting a drugs charity, asking for advice, bearing in mind that this may not be his problem.

Re getting a job abroad. Re Australian working holiday visas, you'd have to check the ts and cs, because it used to involve having to work in agricultural industries, but they were due to relax this. Not sure if they have yet. The big problem with this is that he would need to organise medical insurance, travel insurance etc. And he would be very very far away, in a time zone difference of between 10-11 hours and even more out of communication if he did need emergency help with no nearby friends you could contact.

I do understand your dilemma, and really sympathise it must be a huge worry. But current approach isn't working, which isn't that helpful to say as I'm not sure what I would do in your position. But the telling him off aspect, the list of his faults and frittering away money and opportunities notion, doesn't appear to be helping. I appreciate that this may come across as treating him with kid gloves, and people would disapprove, but it's more about seeking a way forward from where you are now.
Would it help if you went yourself to see him on your own? Booked into a travel lodge for a few days to be nearby and suggesting a neutral meeting place, saying that you just want to see him to see for 10 minutes with no recriminations but just to see if he is OK. Then perhaps you could visit some of the student services yourself in person, maybe get some ideas from them? But not in the spirit of listing his faults/mistakes etc. eg. make an appointment with the careers office and see what they can do for him. If they can't can they recommend a careers advice near you that might help like a job coach? who is only going to talk to him about opportunities and how to get them.
I sincerely wish you all the best with this, however how you decide to proceed. I'm sure you will find a way through.

I agree with this but it does need to be flagged that a young adult is becoming increasingly, isolated and is withdrawing from society. He may work it out by himself, he may need more help but I would want to know that I had contacted as many people as possible for help.

I would go and visit he may not see you but he will know that you made that effort and you will know that you did all you could. I would go alone. I would post a card through the door with some kind words and then go home/stay overnight in a hotel.

Weed was my first thought as well, and makes sense with the not opening the door (can't let my parents see me high as they'll know something is wrong, I'm too high and can't act sober, will hide and pretend I'm fine).

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff makes some good points. A career coach etc gets him out talking to people and that is important it also helps him to put some ideas down. Voluntary work in a field he is interested in.

I think it is important to hear his ideas, and be positive about them all. Youtube, US, whatever, he is probably just thinking of how to get out of the mess he is in. He probably won't do any of those things but be a positive ear for him with no judgement.

I think your main goal should be getting to the point where you are in close contact but in a non-confrontational aggressive way. Short positive visits a coffee or a nice meal. A short phone call. A card with some vouchers. You need to get contact back up and running. Apologise for being annoyed and controlling. Say you were wrong. Say you fully will support him.

You are doing so well OP.

In private accomodation, apart from rent which you are covering, he has to pay his share of bills. Is that also covered by you? After that food and living expenses. The maintenance loan you said he took out - last time I looked was £3.5K-£4k and paid at the start of each term.
These expenses and bills continue through the terms so its not 30 weeks, its 52 weeks till july, paid termly - which would work out for £4k approx £230 a month? That's not a massive amount to live on. I realise rent is a big bill for you if he's not continuing but it real terms, he's not frittering large amounts of money away with nothing to show for it. Its living expenses.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff he is in private accommodation with all bills included (all paid by us).

The SFE pay the maintenance loan termly as you say and he would have just had one of the installments of that loan which should be over 1,200. Since up until now we have been funding his living expenses too (not realising that he had taken the maintenance loan) and he worked until at least the end of December, I would expect that he would have at least some money to spend on weed or whatever he may be smoking/taking. It would be easy enough to do given that SFE pay termly rather than monthly or weekly.

I do agree with what you are saying regarding finances but I am just struggling to find the balance between giving the right lessons and doing the right thing as a parent. To be honest, it is highly likely that I will pay next month's rent too and we'll see what happens after that.

On a different note, the Head of Student Wellbeing from his uni has just called me and said he is not responding to their calls and because he is an adult, beyond making these attempts to get in touch with him, they can't really do a great deal. He suggested that I call the police but also told me that unless I have some specific concerns about his wellbeing, he is not sure what they can to do to assist me. He said that the wellbeing team visited his accommodation this morning. He wasn't in his room but they spoke to his housemates, who didn't seem to be particularly concerned. The lack of concerns from the housemates doesn't obviously alleviate mine since he's not been close to any of them and they hardly ever see each other anyway given that he also spent a lot of time in his gf's accommodation and doesn't talk to them more generally anyway.

The Head of Student Wellbeing said he did submit a leave of absence request which they were going to decline but wanted to speak to him first and he isn't really returning his calls, so they are also at a loss as to the action they can take.

I know some people will probably judge me but I don't see what other choice I have here besides trying to contact his gf again and see if she would speak to us again.

I think you did the right thing by cutting off money. He'll carry on as he is he is is subsidized. This could force him to grow up, maybe be more proactive about his life

OP, you need to drop the rope. You’ve tried everything you can, the only thing you haven’t tried is to stop doing anything.

It seems to me that DS has had a lot of support over all his life, which has only told him that he doesn’t have to do anything for himself. He doesn’t seem to be motivated to do anything much , work or study. He doesn’t even seem to have a relationship with his flat mates . He doesn’t even have the courtesy to inform his employer or his tutors of his intentions.

Please don’t follow the well meaning advice of some posters to blame yourself or your family for his inertia. Nature or nurture is a well worn debate, but ultimately all it expresses is the fact that people turn out differently, no matter how different or similar their background or their heredity. You have ‘modelled’ the behaviour which society expects of people to pass muster, he doesn’t seem to want to. You can’t make him, and ‘the authorities’ have no power to make him, even if it was in their remit.

Perhaps if he has no safety net( or mattress) he may find his own path, perhaps he won’t, but that will NOT Be Your Fault.

I hope it turns out for the best 💐

I swear I've read this exact post before

It is shockingly common tbh. I have seen this happen when I was in uni 20 years ago! (His parents had to come and get the halls staff to unlock his door as he refused to open it and hadn’t come out in weeks. Poor chap had become very isolated and paranoid due to all the weed. That lad was only 18 so they maybe had more leverage.) The OP’s son is a bit older than most but it’s really common with young people going to uni and living alone for the first time.

It seems to be mostly boys I hear of it happening to (but can be some girls).

So he was in fact fired from the job...

And he has submitted a leave of absence request to the university. That suggests to me that he wants to string the university along. I suspect he will fail his exams this term and apply for a repeat, which will only drag this on further. The university will probably not grant this.

Cutting off the money would bring things to a head sooner.