My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

From reading your updates, I'm not sure the money is the real issue here - it's the lies and deceit. You simply cannot trust this man and he is refusing to be transparent about an issue that has a direct impact on your life and future plans.

I would have serious concerns about the long term viability of this relationship if I were you. Protect yourself (and your child) financially and be prepared to support yourself independently. If he lies about money, the chances are he will lie about other things in future.

If OP was my friend I’d suggest this too. See if family are happy to take OP and baby in for 6mo-a year whilst OP gets her bearings being a new mum and can sort herself out to move into her own place… claim cms off ex.

OP is in a horrible situation here but I don’t think stealing is going to improve anything.

@sandyhappypeople

i think you’ve read the thread incorrectly.
my DSD stayed for a full week (plus weekends) and my DP had not been paid after a long December. He had 0 money, so I covered all food all activities, all clothes, everything that was needed for the week, including keeping DSD fed watered and entertained… this included meals out for all of us and cinema trips that he agreed to
my DP paid me back £50 for the clothes spent but nothing for the £260 additional outgoings that I would not have to normally pay. He then said he didn’t have money for baby, but following week (1 week after said shopping trip) wanted to go back buy more clothes for DSD because clothes had not been returned from mother.

I told my DP about everything we were doing, and mentioned when I didn’t have enough to fund some of this… (I was paid 1 week rather than 5 from a payroll error and wouldn’t get it back for some time)

I never refused to pay for rent? But if that fits to your projection then so be it.

@Praying4Peace well should this be an issue, I’m sure her mother would raise this. Which she hasn’t so… I’m going to guess the agreement is more than fine for her…

I can see where this is going - you are already pitting SDC against your baby that isn’t even born yet …
I think you :

1. need to get out of this mindset that what DSD gets takes away from your baby

2. split finances including rent and then stop buying stuff for his DD

3. if you need stuff for the baby agree in advance what is needed and jnsist he contribute his share

I think no matter what he pays on rent and bills etc.. it shouldn’t mean he gets to pay less on his daughter. If she needs a new coat.. he pays for it. If she wants to do a hobby.. he pays for it. If she has a school trip coming up.. he pays for it. If she needs a hair cut.. he pays for it. If HE wants OP to take her out somewhere.. he pays for it!

@Tandora thats not correct at all, I’m not standing here and demanding he pay me £300 towards the baby

I’m asking with the money he’s saying he doesn’t have, but must do, if he is willing to spend £110 on a child clothes in January. Just after an awful lot was bought, clothing included for Christmas…
If he could pay his way towards baby bits

Good point

I think you need to rewire your mindset to enable this relationship to work. Yours becomes ours which can be hard to get your head around when you have been living at home with your family (and presumably not responsible for bills/mortgage/rent). You have fallen in love with a man who has a child and have decided to have a baby with him. So now you are in this together; his children will be siblings and you will be a family, irrespective of genes.
I note that you responded with a funny mojo to my response. You are very much entitled to do so but I believe you need to adopt a more mature outlook. Good luck to all concerned

That’s the advice I would give my friend too.

FGS. OP isn’t putting her step child against new baby she’s just making a point that DP is taking the piss. Quite frankly both are seperate issues but it’s a point isn’t it? DP needs to remember he will have 2 children to pay for soon.

OP shouldn’t have to walk on egg shells making sure DP can put in £15 for a baby bath in advance when he’s flitting money away with his secret outgoings that he won’t show to OP.

@Praying4Peace I’m questioning your thought process but you aren’t quite making sense. There is no “ours” when it’s coming to baby bits. So what you’re suggesting is I said for DSD and stop complaining…
We are in this together however I am the only person saving for maternity leave, the only person paying for the baby and the only person at this point
paying for the extra days his DD stays with us?

what’s not correct?

I would be very careful about it becoming ours- there is no transparency on his spending or debt. A joint account for household bills would he as far as I would go.

This is why I think bringing children into situations like this never benefits them, it's all about what the adults selfishly want.

Op firstly you foolishly decided to move into a home with no security for yourself or now this baby. If he kicked you out then what? You are 'saving' to a house with no secure job and living in a home that you have no rights to.

Then there's the SD, who needs clothes which her father can't buy. So that's taking your money away from your baby to another child.

Then there's this new child with parents who are already having issues financially and otherwise. What a mess really.

He should be paying for activities, don't join them on expensive days out, an extra adult admission fee and food adds up.

Are you expecting to join in, eat, drink and not pay.

He needs to look into free local events, picnics in the park.

Do your own risk assessment. You're an intelligent woman. What does the worse case scenario look like to you? What actions can you take now to pre-empt that? What securities for yourself and child can you put in place?

What SD’s mum did is totally irrelevant. Stop trying to create drama where there isn’t any.

@Tandora that I’m “pitting” the children up against eachother. Because I am certainly not. If I were as I’d be asking for a lot more than just a contribution towards preparing for the baby we have on the way.

this ridiculous evil step mother narrative is not this situation I am in, sorry to disappoint.

I’ve contributed a hell of a lot for my DSD and would do anything for her. I’m asking for support off my other half, and if that’s not possible I need to reprioritise where my money goes.

are you still saving for a house?
the cheap rent will stop one day and it will be a shock when it happens. I’ve seen multiple people come unstuck with this and feel real resentment against the person who has done the favour

FGS. OP isn’t putting her step child against new baby

she absolutely is. She’s complaining that he wants to spend £50 on clothes for his DD because he wont contribute to stuff she’s bought for the baby.
Shes also raised the issue of child maintenance.
(Note the baby isn’t even born yet and I’ve never known anyone to buy this much 4 months in advance! But besides the point)

You can feel your frustration in this post. And I would be annoyed too. Can you go stay with your family for a few days, get looked after and get some head space?

OP, you wrote this:

”Last weekend my DP said we needed to go shopping again as DSD “had no clothes” so although unable to contribute to anything baby related was willing to spend another £50 on clothes that really were not needed.”

But the CMS payment will change as there is a second child that he needs to provide for.