My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

Pull right back on leisure activities

Seems you all can't afford them right now

Also adding to my comment your DP is spending money like no business knowing he has a girlfriend that he will need to support on maternity leave. Yeah…. Maybe just leave.

You're making stuff up again

I tend to agree. I have joint finances with my husband but it took years to build that trust. Turns out we are both tight arse savers! But I would not risk assets with somebody like this who can’t even be honest about his spending or debt when you live together with a baby on the way.

@Hwi I’m really sorry to not fit your narrative.

I’m literally just asking for my DP to pay his way…

He doesn’t expect to support you and the baby at all. He’s got “a mouth full of promises and a hand full of nevermind” as they say.

Does the CMS change when the baby arrives as he is now responsible for 2 children?

@Poppins21 I’m actually not sure, I’ve never really gotten involved with his CMS payment so to be honest I had no idea how much he should/should be giving

You won’t need a cot for at least 4 months, formula and nappies are bought as you need them, you definitely won’t need a baby gate for at least a year. You’ll likely get baby blankets as gifts.
You’re over thinking this, and spending far too much money on the DSD - I really can’t understand how she’s costing you so much! In addition, you’re living rent free.

3 months isn't close to enough. What if you can't go back to.work at all, let alone early at 3 months? I couldn't, despite all the plans. What then? Who's paying for childcare?
How will you pay a full rent if and when this nebulous arrangement with his family member falls through, or you split and he kicks you out?

Is this a serious reply? OP is pregnant, unmarried, living in a house she has no rights to, and is having to fund her own maternity leave, but you think she should, be prioritising buying things for HIS daughter because otherwise she's a 'poor poor child' and OP must begrudge her (even though you cant back this claim up)? Ridiculous.

You said you had SD for all the weekends plus a week in January, that’s 13 days out of 31. So he’s paying more than he needs to his ex whilst you pay for SD in his house.

That should make you angry.

With no where with your own name to live and being utterly reliant on this boyfriend for your housing where he has no rental agreement, you have bigger problems than paying for your boyfriend's daughter. Are you paying what he says you have to pay because you're fearful he will kick you out? Because he could and rightly so for any reason.

Once you have your own baby, your priorities are going to shift entirely and you’ll put him or her first. Sacrificing your own stability and finances for your partner and his kid won’t cut it anymore.

It’s best to get this all out and a budget in place ASAP or I see you leaving him pretty sharpish. He’s taking the piss massively.

@Soontobe60 i do understand your point, however my hours and wage is about to be reduced dramatically and I cannot currently rely on my partner for financial support. So to ensure my child has everything they need, I am choosing to get this upfront. So I don’t struggle further financially later.

I’d be happy with a monthly contribution of just £50 to cover what needs buying, what I’ve paid for already and to add to the maternity leave pot..

I think you are getting a fair deal OP. And it's important to remember that your DSD is part of your family and your baby's sibling . So all finances should be considered together as you are a family with no differentiation between children.
My family circumstances reflect this so I practice what I breach

preach

It is not MY narrative, it is centuries-old, universally acknowledged narrative! I wish it were only MY narrative.

@Azerothi no honestly, not at all. I have been just out of not really caring but 4 months and no baby support later I’m a tad pissed off.

As I said I had a perfectly fine living arrangement with family prior that meant I was able to save pretty much all of my disposable income… I don’t need this relationship. I’m here because I wanted to be in it before I realise there was a shit tonne of lying and hidden debts

@Praying4Peace a fair deal? I’m curious as to why you think this
I pay maybe £100 less based on our rent/bills agreement… I did offer to pay half the rent. But I can solidly tell you I pay a lot more than £100 on DSD and preparing for my little one… and I get nothing back.

what an odd thing to say

Why on earth did you spend £260 a month on for your DSD last month? if he repaid you the £110 her clothes cost, why are you spending so much on other things, which is money that he clearly doesn't have? There's difference between essentials like clothing, and luxuries like eating out etc.

You are choosing to spend lots of money on DSD and then demanding he pay you back.. if he doesn't want to spend lots on DSD through the month then you shouldn't be spending on her on his behalf.. if you are happy to spend your own money on her that is one thing, but you're not, so stop deciding what to spend on her then expecting him to pay you back.. he probably thinks you spend too much on her and he doesn't have the disposable income to back it up!

then on top of that you are spending money freely on your unborn child and expecting him to match what you are spending.

To put it bluntly.. He doesn't have the money OP!

At the end of the day you have chosen to live and have a child with someone and you don't even know their financial situation.. if he is paying child maintenance and paying debts, plus paying all the rent, it will have a massive impact on his disposable income, you refusing to contribute to the rent, while he struggles every month and you are banging half your income in to savings while complaining he isn't contributing enough is taking the piss IMO.

All of this financial stuff should have been sorted before you got this far into a relationship.

£300 pm isn't very much at all

This needs to be looked at and reassessed especially with the amount of time she lives with you. I don’t often say this but might be better to return to your family, where you lived before, and claim your own CMS. You might be better in the long run. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all works out.

SPOT ON, thank you

Doesn't sound much of a spousal relationship.