My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

@EmeraldShamrock000 absolutely and I have also suggested I sit things out. I am by no means expecting him to pay for me, I’m happy to join and pay for myself
But it’s not my responsibility to pay for everyone always

@Tandora
no I simply questioned when clothes has been bought already that month, why £110 of clothes needed buying. As we have a washing machine and the £50 were more than enough

@Poppins21 absolutely, they’d have me in a heartbeat and I’m happy to have space also but DP has said on several occasions he doesn’t want to that

Perhaps you haven’t read the full thread and lucky enough not to be in OP’s position.

OP is pregnant and needs to save for her maternity leave, DP (who won’t show OP his outgoings) is squatting money away and not thinking about the future, not putting any money towards new baby or thinking about OP’s maternity leave. Why is it OP’s responsibility to pay 100% for unborn baby and a lot of outgoings for her step child when DP can’t be bothered and would rather spend on other things?

OP didn’t have any issue paying towards SDC before she got pregnant; it’s now come to light that DP isn’t interested in investing for future or helping out with costs for baby. The reason OP mentioned the clothes for SDC is because if DP is struggling with money - shouldn’t he be prioritising his spending? Why is he spending £50 on clothes that DD doesn’t need when he has a baby coming who NEEDS items

OP I think you're getting a bit of a rough ride from some PP here. You sound like a supportive DSM but your SDs expenses are definitely not yours to bear.

You'll never get a fair ride as an DSM on here sadly.

That aside, you should really consider moving in with your parents again if you can. I think you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and anguish here.

I think you just need to be recording all bills and expenditures. Get a notebook and just write it all down, then work out "who owes" at the end of the month. It sounds like a complicating factor is that your family were giving you free housing so it's hard to calculate how much you "owe" towards the rent. Beware of how he calculated your "contribution" after you have the baby because some men see the woman as contributing nothing when she is looking after the newborn and not earning an "actual income." Make it clear beforehand that looking after the baby is a contribution equal to whatever you were bringing in monthly before that (or more) and that you will not consider yourself to be accruing any sort of debt to him during your maternity leave, nor will you be living off of your savings. You will be expecting him to contribute by supporting you during the months you can't work because you are looking after the baby you BOTH created.

Don't go on expensive trips then. He wants to give his daughter the loveliest time, it is guilt too.

Last weekend my DP said we needed to go shopping again as DSD “had no clothes” so although unable to contribute to anything baby related was willing to spend another £50 on clothes that really were not needed.

Guilt again.

He needs to allocate a percentage of his earnings to the upcoming maternity leave.

You definitely both hopped in this relationship without much thought.

Remember his DD is a child, don't be resentful towards her.

you also wrote this,

ӣ50 so far has been spent on clothes, these clothes will go back to her mothers house and we never see them again, hence why 2 weeks later we are required to get more clothes. And nothing is being contributed to a new baby on the way.
I have subbed money in the past, and paid large amounts for DSD and recieved nothing in return…
This was never an issue, until my DP was not contributing to second child”

you literally say his spending on DSD was never an issue until the new baby and now you are questioning and resenting it and baby is not even born.

As I said you need to get out of this mindset. Psychologically Separate your resentment over what he spends on your step daughter from your needs in terms of what you need him to contribute for the baby.

Make sure all finances are fairly split including the rent. Stop spending on his daughter. Agree with him what baby reasonably needs (now or later) and insist it’s divided

@Tandora I’m a tad confused as I haven’t told you how much I’ve spent. I’ve said I’ve bought loads on Vinted and FB second hand
I have been given a lot of things to borrow

what on earth would make you think that needing nappies, a cot, formula, baby wipes etc is excessive spending

As I said my income is fine and healthy. What I have bought is the basics, it’s baby clothes, thermometer’s, sleeping bags, nappies (but nowhere near as much as we will need in the first month). Why would I decide to not prepare and having that outgoing when I’m on restricted money

Run. He's got debts. Pays minuscule rent and still expects you to fund his daughter and doesn't contribute to your baby.

Leave before it's too late.

You clearly feel alone in this pregnancy with talk of buying everything and needing to support yourself during your maternity leave. The deeper problem is that you can’t rely on him as a provider or equal partner.

You can move past financial difficulties in a relationship and the Monzo account is a big step forward BUT he needs to be honest about the extent of his debts. You’ve worked hard and are financially savvy so you need to know his situation as it could hamper/change/delay your plans for life you want to build.

As well as paying for the weekly food shop (roughly £240pm) which is roughly what half the rent is.

Half what the rent should be at market value, or half after his family have subsidised it? £480 seems an extremely low rent!!

My opinion is that ypu are getting a very good deal.

Rent and household bills should be split between both adults. New baby expenses should be split between both adults. SD costs should be paid for by the father surely? He would be paying for his existing daughter with or without the OP. If he has less disposable income than the OP that’s a consequence of having a previous child to pay for. OP should be saving her excess cash separately with a view to buying a house for her and her new baby at some stage. And not marry this man.

The point is her resentment over money shouldn’t be focused on what he is spending on DSD.
Clearly this mixing of finances isn’t working.

OP needs to put the SDC stuff aside and focus on asserting her own boundaries so that they separate her finances. This should include : Stop paying (herself) for SDC. Insist her partner shares expenses for their child. Equal division of bills and rent.

It's not a projection, and I haven't read incorrectly, you said it was 'agreed' that you wouldn't pay rent, because 'that hasn't changed when you moved in'.. while that is factually true.. IMO anyone who thinks like that is quite selfish in their thinking to be honest, the whole point of sharing your life with someone is to also share the burden.. you were both earning the same at that point, and I personally couldn't see my partner having to pay more just so that I could benefit from paying less.. it is personal opinion, but I think it quite universal when you are both earning the same, but he has more financial obligations.

so I covered all food all activities, all clothes, everything that was needed for the week, including keeping DSD fed watered and entertained.

I'm sorry but if you weren't there it is highly unlikely that he would have been spending all that on her the month after christmas, because he just doesn't have it, and she would have survived perfectly fine, you really are confusing essentials with luxuries.

You have chosen to spend all that on her knowing he can't afford to pay it back.. if she comes and says she needs clothes he will have to find the money for that (probably with more debt that he is trying to avoid), but don't send them back to her mums if you don't want to lose them!

There is not really a right and wrong here, but there is a massive difference in financial positions.. you think you can spend whatever you like and he should be able to instantly pay it back, but he is obviously in more of a precarious position then you are aware of.. no one should be planning a family without laying all this out on the table, and you seem to have skipped that very important part.

I know this sounds condescending and I actually don't mean it to be, it's a genuine question, have you ever lived on your own or supported a household on your own? You seem to not understand how someone could get into debt or not have any disposable income and have to live month to month? Once you start to acquire debt it is hard to get out of it and can become quite an embarassing / shameful thing to live with. Someone coming along with lots of disposable income and no understanding of what it takes to run a household, yet happy to spend money you don't have is not really helpful.

Newmum770

If he refuses to be open about money or set aside a small amount, give him an end date, 2 weeks to start.

Go back to your parents.

They'll know you are upset living in this situation

Your first pregnancy is supposed to be stress-free.

Remember there is nothing wrong with used item's, You can find great items on the local free cycle page.

You should be splitting the bills and rent and pooling your money apart from eg £300 which you spend as you see fit. Dp for example spends it on dsd. .the baby is not here yet so not an issue at the moment. You need to sort the finances before the baby is born... It seems complicated at the moment and your not working together as a unit. Wonder if you baby going back to your parents.. Saying that I found the baby stage was the cheapest age and surprised you need to need to buy so much. There is nothing wrong with second hand by the way as must stuff for babies isnt used much...

@BigSilly half of subsidised rent. That is all that’s paid
hence my confusion where the lack disposable income is coming from

The fact that he’d have you back at work three months post-partum whilst he pisses away thousands a month should tell you everything you need to know.

Full financial transparency and you in charge of bills or you move back in with your mum. I’d love to know how this works out because I don’t know anyone who’d have given up time with their baby in the first year post-partum unless it was 100% necessary.

Ignore the people who can’t read or who are making up grudges and bitterness. You sound like a great stepmum and an over-obliging partner.

Ok, actually I admit I agree with you here.

I never said you spent excessively?
I don’t think you are reading or understanding my posts.

(I do think it’s unusual that you are buying a load of stuff off fb/ vinted, clothes , nappies, wipe, cot
etc four months before the baby is born. I’ve never known anyone to do this personally- you’re barely half way through preg? But that’s beside the point, except that maybe your DP is of the standard view that these things can wait a few more months as baby doesn’t need anything yet).

@Tandora this is very literally all I and other posters have said

the £110 was an example of excessive spending, although DP had claimed he had no money. I have no issue with him being DD clothes, but £50 is more than enough if you have said you can’t contribute as you don’t have much left over cash

@Tandora no I actually think it is you that has not read the thread properly.

I was on a great wage with a fantastic disposable income. but due to redundancy my new wage will cover the bills and my home business will have to be for anything else we need.

i also will not have company maternity pay, and only sat maternity pay, which will not cover my full outgoings each month. I have put money aside to top this up.

i have also prepared for baby so that I don’t have big outgoings when my salary drops

i am currently having to depend on my wage to get this stuff because he cannot contribute. So what happens if 2 months before he still cannot contribute and I have no disposable income to buy said baby items

Yu need to sit down, agree on a budget for which you’ll pay 50/50 (as your wages are normally the same). This will cover the cost for you, him and baby (yes even now because there are expenditures before the birth).
Then HE needs to decide how much he can afford to spend in his dd each month.
You both transfer the money at the start of the month on a joint bank account. Everything comes out from there then you have no calculations to do re laying fur outings etc… when you’re on your own with her.

It’s better if both of you can be fully open about your finances and outgoings as well as much you actually spend each month on various things. Your DP might well not be aware of the true costs and/or is overcompensating for the separation.
I think you also need a discussion in the rent. Yes you’re both profiteering from a lower rent. But I don’t quite get why it should be him paying and not you too

All this and you’re just weeks in to the pregnancy

depressing