My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

Is he really paying cms? Have you seen it?

Because it seems strange that he's paying more than he needs to. Whilst also having her close to 50%. And also expecting you to pay hundreds of pounds on clothes and leisure.

@HiptotheHopp
I asked what portion of the bills I need to pay, what his outgoings were when starting a monthly wage (so I could help him manage it), asked when I found out I was pregnant if he definitely wanted to go ahead with it as I wanted to make sure we were both financially ready…

if someone lies to you, what am I mean to say?

100% CMS is being paid I’ve seen it…

Honestly OP, I think you just need to arrange a couple hours where you both sit down with wage slips, bank statements and bills, discuss all of the debt he has and go through everything and come up with a fair an equal plan moving forwards together

Or (if he won’t or he is so far in a hole it’s not possible)

Keep your finances completely separate. Other than the odd treat or meal stop buying clothes and spending so much on DSD. Concentrate on yourself and baby, keep saving your money and make sure that you’ll be okay whatever happens with him.

You're changing your story...first you assumed no issue, then you asked but he lied....the fact remains you knew nothing about his financial situation even though the signs of trouble are all clearly there.

I don't know why women get themselves into these situations. How can you be having a baby with someone when you haven't even sorted out finances?

@HiptotheHopp i haven’t changed my story at all, I’ve mentioned all of the above in posts on this thread. So please read the full details. Yes I assumed when I moved in, his finances were fine as there was nothing to suggest otherwise

I understand what you are saying but the facts are OP is pregnant, she’s asking for advice going forward.

Yes it’s frustrating to see people getting themselves into situations but we’re all human and sometimes overlook things that we in hindsight regret. OP is pregnant now there’s no point in the “why did you get pregnant with him” comments

I’d be inclined to believe him. It sounds like he’s just bad with money and it’s easy to spend if you’re getting stung for fees and missed payments and high interest.

If I were you I’d ask for a sit down budget planning session, no blame, just “we need to get better at budgeting if we’re going to start saving again to buy a house” and get it all out.

If he refuses then do it just for yourself, tell him how much he needs to contribute to you/the baby each month and say no to any borrowing or paying for SD.

@HiptotheHopp him borrowing money, or finding out bills haven’t been paid. Have all been in the recent months. I have lived with him for 2 years

He is just not the person you think he is. You have projected your good qualities: your hard work, your ethic of responsibility, your foresight, your ability to save onto him. But this isn’t who he is. He is a chaotic fuck up who has to be rescued by a family member with subsidized housing. He invited you to move in because he “loves” you but also because he is weak and easily influenced.

Don’t even consider buying something with him or marrying him. He will destroy you financially. He is absolutely hopeless and unable to be honest about his chaotic, debt ridden, life.

You need a joint account for joint expenses. You each pay into it a percentage of your income according to what you earn. That way nobody pays anyone back for anything. Your baby is a joint expense.

It honestly isn't much of a partnership as you describe it at the moment.

I have, that's how I can see it.

The fact remains you moved in with and got pregnant by a man who is in a financial mess, and you neither noticed or cared until you realised he can't afford your child. You should have had all that sorted first. Now you're not married, you've no property rights (you're not even a tenant), and he can't contribute to your shared child. He won't even tell you what's going on. You are in an extremely precarious position.

Op

you are quite right in being cautious over the way this situation is developing

I would gently pull back from paying for her beyond what is reasonable ie a drink or snack when out and about

I would not necessarily bring this up yet but I would focus upon the costs of the new child and ask how yous are going to split the costs in that regard

Otherwise there’s going to be trouble ahead brewing

Are you emitted to statutory mat pay?

I agree with this. This man's long-term goal will be to have you paying for and mothering both of his children.

@Claudiand
Honestly if I feel like if there was more to it, I know… he doesn’t have a crazy social life and isn’t out drinking all the time
there has been 1 occasion maybe the whole time we’ve been together where he went out drinking when he couldn’t really afford it and we had a discussion afterwards. I just think he spends without actually looking at what he’s spending or what his actual outgoings are. Which means you’ve fallen at the first hurdle.
I am more than understanding that unfortunately circumstances happen and people do get into debt, especially if you haven’t been taught how to be responsible with money.

I have asked that we sit down and really go through BOTH of our finances… he seems to think I have loads of money and I would also like to show him when it comes to mat leave and supporting myself. That well of savings I have will at some point run dry. He definitely thinks about the here and now and doesn’t think about the future enough.

It’s just very frustrating as I’ve obviously been promised the world, and now I’m financial plans or future stability plans are put on hold. And I want to make sure I’m doing it knowing that things will get better not end up in an even worse position.

I only have one practical piece of advice, from experience, @Newmum770 whatever clothes your dsd arrives in, dress her back in them when she goes back.
I wouldn't like to add up the cost of the clothes I bought that I literally never saw again. I was young and dumb. Thought I was doing the decent thing. Doing the best for dd. Nope! I was being taken for a mug. Don't be me.

@Nanny0gg so I’m borderline with the new job and the amount of weeks I’ve worked there, I will either get stat maternity pay or sick pay.

eitherway from my calculations it’s not enough to cover my outgoings… I have a pot of money I’ve put aside to cover the difference for 3 months

Buying a house is a fantasy for him right now. If he won't share the details of his finances it's because he knows the debt is high enough that you would realise that.
The joint pots are useless unless he actually has the money to fund them.

When your baby arrives this issue will be worse, because you will be 100% funding anything you want to do with the baby, anything the baby needs and anything you need as a result of pregnancy changing your body.
He cannot afford any extra expenses right now and will expect you to Cover these costs so he can continue to cover his child support costs for his first child.

One way or the other, you will be paying even more than you are now pretty soon. So I would be insisting on that transparency if I planned to stay in the relationship.

Have you discussed what would happen financially if you were not able to go back to work right away after the birth?

100%. OP shouldn’t be subsidising SD in her home but she definitely shouldn’t be subsiding her in her mother’s home.

I think the joint account for household bills would probably work best. Then you know what you have left over each month - the rent and food shop comes out if that. Also means you keep access to anything extra you earn and save.

The thing is OP you sound like you want to get the finances sorted which is the smart thing to do but unfortunately DP needs to be on board.

I worry about your future, it’s not just the baby items and the first year of life it’s being able to afford both his DC for the rest of his life. It’s not just “ok I’ll put into the pot before baby arrives” it’s financial security that you will need for life. Do you want to get married? This man seems like he wouldn’t be able to afford to propose let alone make you a wife.

DP has 2 kids now, why is he spending money like he’s a single man with no responsibilities?

The only way to make this work is for DP to lay every card on the table, to agree on a fair plan with finances going forward. If he won’t even give you that then you need to leave OP.

It sounds like you have your s**t together money wise but he doesn't and you live together and are having a baby so you both need to be on the same page. You will end up resentful, it's quite weird and inappropriate that a father is not contributing to their baby to be.

This is really sad OP and I worry you’re in for a big shock when you’ve given birth. From what you’ve said your partner should be able to cover all the household costs whilst you take a reasonable maternity leave. Being forced to go back after three months because he’s pissing away money on nothing is not acceptable.

I bet SD’s mother wasn’t back at work after three months.

In the whole of 'The Little Glass Slipper' by Charles Perrault, neither the step-mother, nor any of the step-sisters ever said 'I begrudge your daughter'. Not once. It is called 'implied from conducts'.