My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

@sandyhappypeople
no that is not what I said
I picked up extra jobs worked my arse off and cleared it whilst renting

when I was finally debt free, actually a year later I moved home to save, as my rent and bills alone were around £1200 before I got a promotion…

when I was knees deep in debt, all of my leisure activities were cut, drinks with my friends were cut. Anything to mean I could pay every penny back

You're not compatible.

On paper, we should have more than enough to survive month to month, money is like sand these day's.

It is early in your pregnancy and this is not helpful for anyone in the relationship.

@sandyhappypeople i hadn’t got a scooby doo until I asked why he was borrowing money
he got a HUGE tax rebate and instead of paying off debt spent it all on enjoying life. Again something I recently found out
I can sympathise but this is ridiculous

@Bestthriller my big debt? Credit cards… spending beyond my means with good intention to pay it back but never doing so…

What were you buying? How old were you at the time?

So you know where the money’s going, on fees and charges, and debt, and “enjoying life” whilst you pick up the tab.

Once your baby arrives your priorities are going to switch so fast. If you want to keep your relationship you need to get this sorted immediately.

@Bestthriller Early 20s I moved away from home, I took out a CC for a holiday and it spiralled, I wasn’t on much money and I didn’t have much disposable income once I’d paid rent bills etc… my repayment fees were huge so I was in a constant spiral even when I stopped paying of trying to pay them back and the interest being that high it was impossible

he got a HUGE tax rebate and instead of paying off debt spent it all on enjoying life. Again something I recently found out.

So what are you going to do? He is unlikely to change.

You want him to think like you, which is sensible, not everyone is good with money.

Are you going to spend the next decade trying to change him? Would you change, if he wanted you be less concerned about money?

These are things that are obvious in the early days of a relationship, financial incompatibility is a huge issue.

@EmeraldShamrock000
quite frankly I have no idea.

i have had brilliant advice on here regarding joint pots, managing what I can bills, % contributions to pots, finding out what’s truly going on.
so I’m going to ask that we lay all cards on the table and show each other exactly what’s going on - as you would if you were married.

I haven’t had the truth, so unfortunately his word doesn’t account for much at the moment.

if this can’t be done, I walk away and focus on sorting myself and the baby out, and get back on my feet

Bravo OP, you’ve taken on board the good advice, ignored the idiots and have a solid plan for you and your baby. Best of luck.

@Claudiand I'm not sure I follow where you're going with that. No of course not, but I didn't ask him to nor put him in that position. We avoided that by having long, hard discussions about finances and responsibilities and taking things very slowly to be sure we were on the same page. As should everyone when there are children involved, either your own, step or half siblings.

My advice to the OP is that if this can't be addressed now satisfactorily, save yourself years of pain and split now.

OP, he's a liar with debt and you are being used.
It's unfortunate that you are only realising this now you are pregnant.
Can you move back in with your parents?

Do that, save a deposit and move on with your life.
Liars with debt are losers.
He's treating you like a mug.
Protect yourself and move home and save, if your parents will allow it.
Don't marry this liar with debts.

It not about what he wants, it’s about what is best for you and the baby.

@Newmum770 💐

Don't spend a lot of time trying to fix him.

Enjoy your pregnancy with your parents. If he wants things to work he'll organise himself. I wouldn't hold my breath.

Bless you OP. It’s really easy to give the whole “LTB” line from the safety of a keyboard but much harder to be brave enough to do so when it’s your life and your suddenly and unexpectedly facing the possibility of being a single parent. You’re being very brave here and I hope you have people IRL you can talk to who will support you.

I truly hope the ultimatum given is the kick up the arse he needs to realise he can’t just bury his head in the sand and play poker with your families finances. I truly cannot see how you can plan a life together and how you can play the stepmother role without resentment when you don’t have complete transparency.

wishing you all the best

In fairness, people do this OP, I have two close family members (completely unrelated to each other) who both did this, always lived month to month, never had any disposable income.. heavily in debt, they got a payout for something and literally pissed it all away on the things they never got to enjoy usually, one payout was massive and within two years it was all gone with nothing to show for it.

I think the mindset is they could pay it off and still be in the same position servicing debt or they could enjoy things for themselves and their kids for once and still be servicing the debts.. to them it makes no difference, the end result is mostly the same.

I don't actually agree with that mindset and have been in debt too and worked three jobs and lived in poverty to get out of it.. but I understand completely how easy it is to rely on debt for day to day living, how embarrassing it can be and how easy it is to bury your head in the sand.

When I met my DH he was in debt too, after living alone and spending on whatever he wanted he didn't really think about how it could effect him in the future, we worked hard for about a year, we moved things around, came up with a plan and he cleared his debt, he got his credit score back on track and he's never looked back, but he needed that initial help to get a grip on it, otherwise he would have been paying interest on debt for years.

The debt for me wasn't necessarily an issue, but I would never have moved in without complete transparency about finances and future planning, we did 50/50 on absolutely everything and when one of us has a hard time the other is there to pick up the slack, which is as it should be IMO.. if he started saying I owed him money for x,y and z, while I was paying for a, b and c I'd resent it.

You don't seem to have started off on an equal partnership at all, and now there is complete confusion about who is supposed to be paying for what, and what you should be spending on non essentials each month, you really do need to sit down with full transparency and work out what you are both happy with, it's a bit late so you both need to be more patient and understanding of each others point of view, and see if you can make it work.

Okay. Just finished reading all of your posts and enough of the responses to see which way the shit was rolling.

The mumsnet massive heard "no rent" and lost their collective shit, ignored everything else you've said and started making stuff up and chucking derogatory allegations based on supposition, didn't they? I couldn't be arsed to read any more of their invented ignorant crap OP but I'm certain it happened.

If normal patterns hold true, you mostly got the one-eyed, single track minded (property/rent/morgage) dyslexic misogynistic goat response.

So, here's a response from someone who was listening to ALL you said.

He is using you as cash cow and free childcare. He is a liar with special attention to being deceptive over money. He can't even pay full price for his own housing, to the tune of his family covering two thirds of the market rent and you paying half the bills (I suspect it's more than half and is much more than you've actually taken into account), more than your share of the entertainment budget, ALL the food and paying for his child.

If you carry on down this path, he is going to use you up, spit you out and fuck off with at least half the value of the house you've paid the majority in to.

You've got your suspicions of this already, I can tell, but you've just about still got your blinders on because you are in love with the idea of this lovely little family life together that you are imagining. He's not going to provide it my financially responsible friend, at least not in the long term. You've said yourself his mask has started to slip in the last couple of months, as is what usually happens when these future faking fuckers sense you being trapped in his orbit by a new baby. If it's going to happen, it's usually during the first pregnancy. Is that what happened with his ex and is why she's making him cough up for extra clothes for DSD, or thinks she is because she doesn't know you are the one paying, by keeping all the new clothes at her home.

He's no good. He's up to no good.

Run and if you can't run, beware.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but I'm more interested in your welfare, and that of your baby, than his.

I entirely agree with this post.

Absolutely nailed everything.

It’s a hard road @Newmum770 but the right one in the long run.

On the top of what you’ve listed, Id include a discussion in how to manage money. Because it will actually dictate how he will behave in the future if/when things get tight again. Either on his side or on yours - aka what does he think is going to happen when you’re on ML? Who is going to pay fur what and does he expect you to still put the same amount on the table as before even though you dint have the money?

Does your partner know about this?

@Bestthriller I’m unsure where you are heading with this, but he does yes because I tried to explain that I’m very aware of how debts can happen and I’m here to help get him back on the track.

Also my debts were paid off years before we ever got together, and not when I was in any form of serious relationship

Where I’m heading?
His severe debt is a central point of your OP (well actually it’s a very poor relationship that is now bringing a baby in to the world) and so I was wondering whether he was aware of your history of severe debt.

I am guessing he isn’t averse to throwing this back at you in any discussions regarding his debt?

@Bestthriller sorry I wasn’t being rude I was just unsure of what you were wanting to know.
also I wouldn’t class my debt as being severe, not to what I’m anticipating this to be.

However my point when explaining to to him was the lengths I had to go to get it paid

So, what are you going to do if he refuses? And how are you going to know if he's truly revealing 'all'? He's lied to you before making you think he was financially solvent, then you come to find he's in debt enough to need a debt charity/business to sort out a repayment plan for him. And most of all, how are you ever going to be able to trust him going forward? The very last thing you want is financial ties with a spendthrift or someone who is cagey about their finances. So don't ask for completely joint finances. And even if you do a 'joint expenses account' you can expect him to 'cry poor' at times and you'll have to cover his share. And I wouldn't buy a property with anyone like that, either.

As far as DSD, if you don't want to 'pay for her', then stop. If she needs something, tell DP "Sissy needs XX" and back away. If she wants entertaining tell DP "Sissy would like to go to the cinema this weekend. I'll pay for myself of course, but her ticket will be XX". If he grouses you turn to Sissy and say "Sorry, sweetheart, no cinema for us this weekend, Dad is a little short". Because that's exactly what you should be saying to your child when then time comes.

Part of the problem with what you've been doing on outings is that you're spending what you like without consulting him, then just expecting him to 'pony up'. if you do take her out on her own, keep it to what you feel comfortable with paying for on your own. McD instead of a 'sit down' lunch. A walk in the park instead of a trip to the mall. Or a stroll through the mall prefaced by "We're only window shopping today, sweetie". This, too, is what most parents have had to do at one time or another. Lord knows I have, back in the day!

As far as the new baby, again, you're making unilateral decisions on what to buy then basically presenting him with a bill for his share. You need to include him in the decisions before you make a purchase. If he says he can't pay for it or refuses to discuss, then it's up to you whether or not you truly need to purchase it right now or if you can say "Fine, we can hold off on this until you can pay your share".

When it comes to the rental, if you split he'll stay in his relative's cheap rental and you'll be looking to rent elsewhere. When I split from my exH we were renting from friends of my grandparents, also way below market rent. I told him to get out and he refused saying I needed to leave. I asked him who he thought would be evicted if it came to it, him or me. He realized that I certainly wouldn't be the one asked to leave by our landlord, so he left. I kept the rental at the same rent. I'd expect the same in your situation.

Except they were wrong about lots of things