My partner, my DSD, our unborn baby and our financial split/responsibilities

[Newmum770]

Myself and my partner live together, my partner has a DD (DSD to me) who stays with us every weekend (sometimes in the week as well if DD asked to stay longer). He gets cheaper rent as it is from a family member so we agreed when I moved in, he would continue to pay the rent (as this wouldn’t not change) and I would pay 50% of the bills. We are expecting a baby later this year:

We like to go out for food and do activities whilst my DSD here however my partner seems to expect me to pay 50:50. There have been occasions where she has been with us in the week however because he is at work, when we have been out to do things I have paid 100% but my partner doesn’t offer to reimburse me.
He had had a tough couple of months with money so I have helped where possible and I was eager to begin preparing for the baby so far I have bought everything baby related. As he has not had spare money to be able to contribute.

My partner pays a monthly child support fee to his ex partner without fail (I am not suggesting he ever stop paying that as it’s his responsibility)
But to be quite honest, I feel he should be paying for his DD whilst she stays with us. Am I being unreasonable? I just don’t think this should be my responsibility as well as trying to prepare for our baby on the way. At the moment it feels like he is contributing towards one child and not the other.

What does this mean?

i also will not have company maternity pay, and only sat maternity pay, which will not cover my full outgoings each month. I have put money aside to top this up.

Has your DP also put money aside to cover ML?
Because as far as I’m concerned he is just as ‘responsible’ for the short fall from going on statutory maternity pay

I don’t think you are being unfair at all.
He clearly isn’t financially savvy & has clearly got a lot of debt that he’s trying to keep from you. The problem with hiding it is that he hasn’t dealt with the issues that built that debt up. If there’s a debt charity involved, then it got bad.

Id be telling him that I simply couldn’t stay in a relationship where there was no trust & hiding financial information about himself is ringing alarm bells for you. Tell him you are imagining the worst and know he could have £100k of debt that he’s hiding from you. (Hopefully he’ll declare it’s nowhere near that & be more likely to share details)
He absolutely should have a percentage of his wage that is his to do with what he likes and not justify to anyone else. But only after everything else is paid.

I suspect he’s simply living beyond his means with his head in the sand.

Give him that ultimatum(and mean it). Make it clear, if you go, he has all of his household & child bills to pay himself in addition to another £300 child maintenance to you. Tell him you’d rather be a team and find a way through together, but if he insists on having secrets, you’ll be gone.

If he does provide details try not to judge, focus on finding a solution.

Good luck.

It’s up to him what his DD needs in terms of clothes etc and to provide for that. Dont start passing judgement on what he spends on his DD- “excessive spending” or “unecessary” spending on his DSD - put that down.

Focus on your financial goals responsibilities and insist he shares them with you equally.

@Tandora it is excessive if that means he then can’t pay for the normal day to day cost of living and is relying on the OP….

Excessive is only excessive in relation to your income. And it sounds like her DP doesn’t have that spare income.
Or he is lying to her to avoid paying his due.

Not sure which is better or worse tbh.

@Claudiand
by no means in the ideal world would I ever want to go back to work 3 months after having a baby.
but I do know a friend and family member that had no other choice (again financial reasons). Although a MASSIVE step back, my new part time role means my parent would be able to look after the baby but I am aware financially I will need to find full time work again as soon as possible.
the thought of the whole thing makes me feel sick but I do know if things get tough, I would always prioritise my child and make sure they are okay even if it means having to do ungodly hours with a tiny baby

The op is a few weeks in to her pregnancy

and the unborn’s parents relationship is like….this

People are still entirely missing the point.

What OP needs to focus on here is asserting her boundaries over their joint expenses- which should be shared equally.

How much her partner spends on his DD is his concern and OP should not be passing judgement on this.

If OP starts focusing on his spending on SDC and resenting it as the reason her baby is going without , it’s going to create a toxic dynamic and the baby isn’t even born yet.

Thats all I’ve been trying to say.

If she needs clothes, drop her home to pick some up. The child support should be covering that aswell as the mothers half. If he wants to buy more clothes he should take her and pay out of his own pocket he's taking the mick.

Op how long have you been with him?

clothes are essentials OP, £50 on clothes for you child is not excessive spending, sending them back to the other parents is just silly, but I'm assuming after spending twice you will both have a chat about what actually happens to clothes you have bought and agree to keep them at yours, it's mad not to.

actually buying baby stuff this early is not essential spending.. you don't have to buy things now at all, you could be putting that money in a savings account and asking him to match it over the next 2 months, the end result will be the same.

You aren't making allowances for his financial situation and he quite obviously doesn't have the money right now!.. getting furious and insisting he give you money he doesn't have is pointless, you will push him into more debt, for bloody eating out and cinema trips.. it's madness.

You should have had this out before you moved in together, all you can do now if you want this to work is to be understanding and ask him to be completely transparent, but you need to leave your judgement at the door.. if you've never been in debt or had to support a household/children by yourself you really have no clue what it is like to live month to month.

If he isn't paying when you take her out by yourself, stop taking her out, or ask him for money before you go.

When you are out together, don't offer to pay.

He should be treating his daughter and if he doesn't want to or can't afford it, then you don't go.

@sandyhappypeople i have lived by myself for 5 years, managing my bills on my own, as well as managing bills for both myself and a flatmate. I have lived by myself and also with one other person. I’m well educated in how a household runs.

I have also been in a situation where I had a LOT of debt and got myself out of it by not burying my head in the sand. And admitting to myself and others what was really going on.

i moved back in with family members so i could save for a bit after pissing my money down the drain on rent.

yes, very condescending and no I haven’t lived rent bills and debt free my whole life whilst mummy and daddy paid for it. What I’ve done is worked my arse off, even taking up second jobs where need be to pay off debts. Which meant working a 9-5 then also working weekends.

I asked before hand as mentioned if he was happy with the things we were doing….

Expecting the father to contribute fairly is not 'pitting the children against each other', what ridiculous logic. Do you think OP is meant to be a doormat who buys everything for their joint child, whilst also subsiding her partners child, as well as funding her own maternity leave? Is that your idea of fair?

@sandyhappypeople … even if the money was in savings he has quite clearly stated he cannot contribute anything at the moment…
I see no money come back from him… so what difference does it make?

I think OP is 4 plus months, not sure where you got a few weeks from

That I agree with.
The OP needs to be very clear about what she is happy to pay or not.
And about her DP share for the baby’s expenditures.

However, how much he is spending is becoming her problem when
1- she is paying for a lot of it and he doesn’t repay her
2- how much he can ‘afford’ to put in the kitty for common expenses is dictated by how much he spends on his dd.

Now I agree it should be the other way around. But I’m pretty sure tgis us how the discussion will go when the OP finally raise it properly. ‘Oh but I can’t pay that much because I’m spending so much on dd what with the CM and her needing stuff when she is with us’.

Oh OP it sounds like a bit of a mess and I’m sorry - this is the last thing you need whilst pregnant and being made redundant.

Having read your updates I think it’s good news that he’s willing to have some joint accounts with you - you didn’t specify if this would include a “baby fund” or not. But I think as other PPs have said the fact that he isn’t willing to be completely transparent re finances is such a massive red flag that it would make me reconsider things. If this is not tackled head on before baby comes it will be likely to rest it’s head when you’re both sleep deprived / tired / hormonal and there really is a chance the relationship could get worse so I would urge you to not accept him just deciding that he will not speak to you about this - but also prepare yourself for the worst.

Whilst it sounds like you do have a good financial head on your shoulders it does sound like decisions are being made individually and you need to work more as a team. For eg - when DSD comes to spend time - it’s not acceptable for her to come without clothes. If this does happen she gets the most basic of clothes to wear from Primark that can be washed until she goes back and you keep them at your house so it doesn’t happen again next time. Surely a conversation can be had DSD mother re this. Also whilst DSD is there you limit your outgoings - she can’t have everything she wants and it would appear that you can’t afford for her to be doing all these expensive things. Surely there’s some cheaper activities you can do with her or she can pick one that she likes and you can do together.

Similarly as other PPs have touched on a joint discussion can be had re what is urgent to be bought for baby now. Clearly he’s in a lot of debt. I understand you wanting to feel prepared, nesting is a real thing but unfortunately he can’t contribute to what he hasn’t got. So perhaps things like baby gate / high chair / cot which can be expensive are not needed for 1st 6 months can be purchased later on when he has more cash around and you can focus on the must haves for baby like things you will need for hospital bag first couple of weeks. I do agree that even a token offering of something towards the baby would be nice but I suspect he is not doing this because he genuinely doesn’t have the money not because he maliciously wants to chose one child over the other.

I hope you can get to the bottom of it but I’m glad you’ve got some seperate savings as it sounds like he may be in some trouble. Good luck x

Because on the other thread that I was on, and didn’t realise op had two on the go, op said baby due “end of the year”

either way… 4 months pregnant and the parents like this. No hope

all you can do now if you want this to work is to be understanding and ask him to be completely transparent,

@sandyhappypeople or maybe now that he is becoming a father for the second time, he needs to pull his socks up and ensure he can actually financially look after his unborn baby.
Why is that it’s always the woman’s fault and always put to the woman to ‘be understanding’ and never about men taking their responsibilities as a parent and partner???

I wish you all the best OP and I really hope you can make your partner see sense and you can work towards a stable financial future together.

I fear that given the options of splitting and living at your mum’s with the baby where you can stay home with him/her for longer, or staying with your partner who expects you to get straight back to work to pay for him and his kid as well as everything for your baby, you’re going to make the sensible choice of the former.

Makes perfect sense to me as to why you’re buying baby stuff now - you’re anxious because you know he’s not going to support you when he should. It doesn’t sound like he’s acting maliciously, but foolishly. But the outcome is the same.

Hmm. I have a slightly different take on this but with a similar conclusion that DP's behaviour is a red flag.

For context, I have adult twins. They were 4 months old when I left their father. I stayed single until they were 6 years old then met my now DH. They barely met him for the first year then he started staying over a bit more from 7 onwards and eventually we all moved in together when they were 8. We both owned our own houses, sold and pooled our resources, with a trial run at my place first.

Before that trial run we had a conversation about money and responsibility. I told him that while I loved him and wanted him in my life, I didn't need him and my DC came first. They deserved more than to feel like baggage in their own home, only tolerated because they came with me as part of the package. Therefore, if he moved in we were doing it as a family, with him taking on all the financial, practical and emotional consequences that came with being a parent. All household-related bills would be 50/50 including food, days out, and holidays. Fuck itemising my children's'cost'. Collecting dc from football or swimming would be split fairly etc. we would be a proper family unit. I did not expect him to love them but I expected him to play the part of dad as willingly as if he'd signed up to having kids in the first place - because that's exactly what he was doing by agreeing to move in. While I knew it was above and beyond, I wouldn't tolerate any less if he was moving in. I told him I was quite happy with him NOT signing up to those things because it was a huge ask and completely reasonable for him to run away screaming from it. But I would not accept any less for my DC in their own home where they deserve to feel always cherished and never a burden so if he didn't want to do it we would continue to date while living separately.

Many years later we're still together, happy and the grown up DC love him. Precisely because he didn't quibble about DC that weren't biologically his and accepted them as part of his family. For context, I've been a step parent too and never begrudged a penny spent on any of the children.

The SD never asked to be dragged into this complicated world of adult relationships and finances. She certainly doesn't need to pick up on undercurrents of financial resentment.

However, I still think the DP bears the culpability here. He should have forced this conversation before fathering another child and is showing red flags here. Seems like he thinks 50/50 means he only pays whatever he feels like. I suspect OP will end up paying for everything.

So you got into debt and got extra jobs and moved back home to clear it.

Yet you don't seem to appreciate how someone without those options (because of having to provide for a child) could still be stuck in that endless cycle of debt?

I genuinely meant it when I said I didn't mean it as condescending, because you seem to be completely ignorant to the fact that he is obviously struggling financially, you seem to think he is pissing his money away, rather than choosing to give it to you.. but do you really think that is what is going on here??

After being in debt up to your eyeballs yourself surely you would be aware that this is what is happening, so why have you not had this conversation before moving in and starting a family?

what was the big debt for?

Would your husband have been up for spending more than you did on your twins, and buying them clothes for their dad’s house, and working two jobs to afford to, and doing so to the detriment of his own child? Doubt it.