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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

309 replies

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:34

One of my closest friends and me go to a mother and baby group. Her DH had dropped her off and she didn't have any way of getting home. She asked me for a ride to the nearest bus stop - 3.5 miles from where we were meeting.

The issue is we had our children with us. She didn't have a car seat for her toddler. I said my concerns (safety and legality) and she said she'd sit the toddler in the foot area in the front so she wouldn't be seen. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with it and it would be my responsibility if anything happened (you just never know). Someone else did it for her, but I wonder if others would have done it for a friend?

I'm in the bad books right now but feel like a friend shouldn't ask for that kind of favour. I feel both like a terrible friend but like I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:42

PippaAB · 11/02/2025 08:40

You only had 1 spare seat. Your friend needed a lift for 2 people.

Somebody else had 2 spare seats.

I think you did the right thing. She was much better in car with 2 spare seats even without a car seat, than sharing a seat/in a footwear

I would have hated to be put in that position.

Was it 3.5 miles of main roads / country roads etc? Not that it really makes much difference.

Pretty standard suburban road. Pretty straight, considered a main road, but not super busy.

Hopefully it will blow over when I tell her to let me know in advance so I can plan for giving her a lift. The big car only comes out as needed. Otherwise I take the small always.

OP posts:
Hopeallwillbefine · 11/02/2025 08:42

Jk987 · 11/02/2025 07:44

The nearest bus stop was 3.5 miles away? Was the baby group held in a field in the middle of nowhere?

Not the point I know.

Also not the point, but just to mention that lots of places don’t have much public transport links at all. Where I used to live, the bus to the local town ran once a week. Where I am now there is no bus to town at all. There are baby groups though 😊

Demi85 · 11/02/2025 08:45

Were there enough seats/car seats for everyone with a bit of shuffling around? You say your back seat was full of car seats. For example were there 3 child seats in the back but you already had 3 DC with you?

Ultimately it doesn't matter as it's not your responsibility to ferry your pal around, and it was unfair of her to try and pressure you into giving her a lift.

Jellycatspyjamas · 11/02/2025 08:45

Your car only had one spare seat for two people, so it was never going to work, nothing to feel regret about. The car seat situation is irrelevant really - as a child I remember us piling into a car with half a dozen kids and no regard for safety but that was in the 70s, those days are long gone - and for good reason. The

Imisscoffee2021 · 11/02/2025 08:45

You're absolutely not a terrible friend, I couldn't drive when I first had my son til he was 4 months old and had moved to a tiny village from London, and got taxis and buses abd trains everywhere, alot of times couldn't go anywhere because we didn't have the set up and no way would I ever have my baby or now my toddler unsecured in a car. Accidents happen every day and the horror that can happen, its just not worth the risk. She's seriously endangering her child.

Convolvulus · 11/02/2025 08:46

LostittoBostik · 11/02/2025 08:17

If there were three car seats in the back with 3 children in YANBU.

If you only had 2 children with you I would have offered the chance for her to sit in the middle with the toddler on her lap as that is legal. She might have refused it but at least you would have offered her an option.

YANBU to refuse the front seat.

That definitely would not be legal

MumonabikeE5 · 11/02/2025 08:47

You are right.

but I can’t imagine living 3.5miles from
a bus stop.
sounds like a nightmare.

Auldlang · 11/02/2025 08:48

Elmo230885 · 11/02/2025 07:50

Not a chance. I was in an accident where another car smashed head on into us. The reason DD and her friend (7 yr olds) weren't severely injured was they were both in suitable well fitted car seats. If a child had been in the footwell they would have been killed instantly. We were on a 40 road less than 2 miles from home. Even a low speed crash could cause air bag release.

I think people that don't drive themselves don't seem to understand the importance of car seats or other safety features of cars.

Utter fucking offensive bollocks. I do not drive, but I do have a functioning brain.

Do you usually enjoy silly generalisations?

Zonder · 11/02/2025 08:48

Itcostshowmuchnow · 11/02/2025 08:31

It was not the OPs problem to fix. She did the right thing and her friend should take responsibility for her own safe transportation.

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I didn't say it was. But if she wanted to help her friend she could have done that. No man is an island and all that.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:48

MumonabikeE5 · 11/02/2025 08:47

You are right.

but I can’t imagine living 3.5miles from
a bus stop.
sounds like a nightmare.

The person whose home it is drives, so it's not an issue for them. It will get bus services, just not yet.

OP posts:
IVbumble · 11/02/2025 08:48

Legally you couldn't take her toddler in the car as no spare car seat - you did the right thing.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 11/02/2025 08:48

I really don't know why any mother would put their child's life at risk like that.

Zonder · 11/02/2025 08:49

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:52

No room, unless I put one in the front seat, but it has air bags and then I couldn't have fit my friend. 😁Everyone else there would have been using their car seats too.

Show quote history

Fair enough then.

MumonabikeE5 · 11/02/2025 08:49

Where I live you would be crawling along at 15mph, so that wouldn’t be so risky.
but if you were 3.5mikea from a bus stop I imagine you’d have been on faster roads
which ever way it would be a hard no from me.
I guess this is when a buggy with a car seat make sense.

Auldlang · 11/02/2025 08:49

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:00

I'm a bit confused why her partner dropped her off with no way of getting home? I'm also a bit 😬 that she would have cycled the roads with a toddler? Or are there cycle paths?

Lots of people do. I would never have the guts but it's not at all uncommon.

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 11/02/2025 08:50

Auldlang · 11/02/2025 08:48

Utter fucking offensive bollocks. I do not drive, but I do have a functioning brain.

Do you usually enjoy silly generalisations?

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Agreed. What an ignorant comment.

I don't drive. My two have car seats which I picked out looking at safety ratings on the ADAC website. My 4.5 year old still faces backwards. Neither child wear their coats in the seats.

Just because I don't drive doesn't mean I can't read about car safety.

Bloody hell. People on the internet can be so stupid.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:50

MumonabikeE5 · 11/02/2025 08:49

Where I live you would be crawling along at 15mph, so that wouldn’t be so risky.
but if you were 3.5mikea from a bus stop I imagine you’d have been on faster roads
which ever way it would be a hard no from me.
I guess this is when a buggy with a car seat make sense.

It's a 30mph road.

OP posts:
Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:52

How old are your children out of interest op?

Moonlightstars · 11/02/2025 08:52

What a shit housing estate as well. Imagine living somewhere where you had to drive (or use a bike - which on country roads I would hate with kids). There is a reason I live in a city.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:54

Thank you all for your time with my question. It's been helpful to reflect with you.

I think I did do the right and legal thing and I will be asking my friend to let me know in advance next time, so I can bring the big car and a car seat. Then there is no issue for either of us. It gives her an option while avoiding asking me for things I am very uncomfortable with. Then I can maintain my boundaries while being available to help if needed, so she always has an option. She just has to be responsible for giving me notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:55

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:52

How old are your children out of interest op?

From adults to preschoolers. I committed the Mumsnet sin of having a large family. 😀

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 11/02/2025 08:56

The issue wasn't the car seat. The issue was that you didn't have space in the car. So ywnbu.

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:57

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:55

From adults to preschoolers. I committed the Mumsnet sin of having a large family. 😀

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And no adult at all was at your home so you could have dropped you younger ones off and then drive. Your friend?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/02/2025 08:57

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:06

She's a fully capable adult who doesn't need me to arrange her cabs. I am not a cab and don't have an exemption for unrestrained kids btw. I drive safely but the people I share the road with might not that day. You just never know.

If I'd agreed it would be my fine, my conviction, my license and, worst, having to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. Which is what flashed through my head when she asked.

I also can't afford to pay for a cab for her.

Edited
Show quote history

People just have off days

Noones perfect all the time, sometimes people make unwise choices and need a helping hand or even an idea suggested to them

If a genuine friend was struggling and not thinking clearly, I wouldn't be judging her, I'd be offering support. I'd expect the same in return

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