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Original poster

No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

309 replies

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:34

One of my closest friends and me go to a mother and baby group. Her DH had dropped her off and she didn't have any way of getting home. She asked me for a ride to the nearest bus stop - 3.5 miles from where we were meeting.

The issue is we had our children with us. She didn't have a car seat for her toddler. I said my concerns (safety and legality) and she said she'd sit the toddler in the foot area in the front so she wouldn't be seen. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with it and it would be my responsibility if anything happened (you just never know). Someone else did it for her, but I wonder if others would have done it for a friend?

I'm in the bad books right now but feel like a friend shouldn't ask for that kind of favour. I feel both like a terrible friend but like I did the right thing.

OP posts:
JollyZebra · 11/02/2025 08:23

You titled this " No regrets"?? If you were happy that your decision was right and have no regrets over it, you don't need anyone here to validate your actions.
It seems, that despite the title, you do have misgivings. Just talk to your friend. If she just expected that someone would give her a lift from the group, then she needs to realise that is not on and must not repeat it.

Theboymolefoxandhorse · 11/02/2025 08:24

1)She should have arranged her own transport
2) When it became apparent there was no way she could safely get her and kid to destination she should have booked a cab
3)She should be understanding of why you’ve declined rather than making you feel shit about doing what is safe, legal and what you feel comfortable with

user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 08:24

I'm glad they found a lift. You did the right thing, Op.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:24

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:23

Like I say, airbag off, seat in the front then mum & kid in the back.

I'd argue that's far safer than being two squishy humans on a bike on a road without a cycle path which is what she would ordinarily do. Pretty sure the stats would bear that out, too.

Show quote history

I have no idea how to disable my airbags, if I even can.

OP posts:
bumbers1 · 11/02/2025 08:25

No, I wouldn't have given her a lift. You did the right thing

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:26

JollyZebra · 11/02/2025 08:23

You titled this " No regrets"?? If you were happy that your decision was right and have no regrets over it, you don't need anyone here to validate your actions.
It seems, that despite the title, you do have misgivings. Just talk to your friend. If she just expected that someone would give her a lift from the group, then she needs to realise that is not on and must not repeat it.

I don't regret it because I know it was the right thing. If anything happened, it would be on me. I do have a habit of second guessing myself and wondering if other people would feel the same.

OP posts:
SunLift · 11/02/2025 08:27

I don’t drive. When my DC were small In those situations I took my car seat with me and got a taxi back.
She should have planned her own journey back better. As a mother I honestly can’t believe she was happy to have her child in the footwell - putting being seen over her own child’s safety!
If you had had an accident you would have been all over the papers and blamed. She was selfish.

Flamingoknees · 11/02/2025 08:27

No way - and I was born in1969, when you sat on your parents knee on the front seat, and no one wore a seat belt. Even a dog needs a seat belt in my car.

ChocolatesAndRainbows · 11/02/2025 08:29

Its your responsibility as a driver to ensure all passengers are safe and secure. So you were right not to drive her. It's your licence not hers

TaranFollt · 11/02/2025 08:30

You did the right thing.
Your friend isn't respecting your boundaries.
Irrespective of the detail around the car seat, (which you were correct about btw,) the issue is, you were asked to do something and as is your right, you chose not to do it. This should be the end of the matter; and would be if your friend, respected your boundaries.
Going back to the detail; the outcome could've been catastrophic that day had there been a collision. The unease of saying no, is a far lighter burden in the circumstance.

Oioisavaloy27 · 11/02/2025 08:30

You did the right thing, she had no right to ask you that, what would happen if there was an accident?

Fraaances · 11/02/2025 08:31

I think she was very cheeky asking this of you and got her DH to drop her there assuming you'd be good with it.

Amba1998 · 11/02/2025 08:31

WTAF have I just read.

she thinks that the footwell is better than at least attempting an adult seat belt like a taxi would allow. I wouldn’t have permitted either but the fact that her solution was the footwell has just BLOWN my mind

Itcostshowmuchnow · 11/02/2025 08:31

Zonder · 11/02/2025 07:49

Could you have borrowed a car seat from someone nearby, or was there no room anyway for another car seat?

It was not the OPs problem to fix. She did the right thing and her friend should take responsibility for her own safe transportation.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:32

TaranFollt · 11/02/2025 08:30

You did the right thing.
Your friend isn't respecting your boundaries.
Irrespective of the detail around the car seat, (which you were correct about btw,) the issue is, you were asked to do something and as is your right, you chose not to do it. This should be the end of the matter; and would be if your friend, respected your boundaries.
Going back to the detail; the outcome could've been catastrophic that day had there been a collision. The unease of saying no, is a far lighter burden in the circumstance.

Yes, you're right about that. This will pass. Knowing I made a choice that hurt a child would be with me for life.

It seems most people feel the same way. I often second guess myself, especially if someone gets offended.

OP posts:
NameChangedOfc · 11/02/2025 08:33

You absolutely did the right thing.

rainbowstardrops · 11/02/2025 08:34

The posters suggesting you should have sourced her a taxi and paid for it, or you should have left one of your children with another adult, are quite frankly, bonkers!
What if your child became distressed by that? Let alone being inconvenient to the host that would then have to hang around.

The bottom line is that your friend knew she had no concrete plans to get home/get to the bus stop and you had no available space in your car. End of.

Oh and the suggestion to put her child in the footwell? No words for that one.

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:34

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:24

I have no idea how to disable my airbags, if I even can.

Show quote history

Well for future reference there's usually just a switch, often in the glove box. I'd never put a kid in the front with one on cos airbags are dangerous - the benefits outweigh the risks for an adult but not a child.

As per the gov link above & once you find the off switch for the airbag (just remember to put it back on after) you now know you could have helped, with some buggering about, both legally & as safely as you could have. Definitely safer than being on a bike with a toddler on roads as she would normally do.

Daleksatemyshed · 11/02/2025 08:35

If you'd given her the lift and nothing happened it would be a small favour soon forgotten, if you'd crashed and killed her DC it would have spoilt your life and hers. You did the right thing Op, if she's off with you next that's on her

lola006 · 11/02/2025 08:36

Your OP should have mentioned that your kids were taking up all the seats in the back.

But, yes, OP you’re in the right here. Everyone, adults, kids and dogs must be restrained in my car; I don’t drive until they are. I hate the “it’s only a mile” or whatever argument because anything can happen.

If she is actually upset with you just text with a “I won’t risk anyone’s safety or my insurance but I could have taken my larger car had I know two more people would have driven back with me; let me know next time well in advance?”

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:38

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:34

Well for future reference there's usually just a switch, often in the glove box. I'd never put a kid in the front with one on cos airbags are dangerous - the benefits outweigh the risks for an adult but not a child.

As per the gov link above & once you find the off switch for the airbag (just remember to put it back on after) you now know you could have helped, with some buggering about, both legally & as safely as you could have. Definitely safer than being on a bike with a toddler on roads as she would normally do.

Show quote history

I'm not convinced that it is legal as it wasn't an emergency. I mean, if her kid had been hurt and we'd needed to rush to help, sure. That's understandable. I'm sure the exception is only for extreme and defensible circumstances. I'll tell her in future that if there is a next time, she can call me and let me know so I can bring the bigger car and a car seat.

I'm going to have to look for this air bag switch as it's always useful to know. I've never noticed one before. I've got surround airbags, as well as the front one, so not sure if that makes a difference.

OP posts:
prescribingmum · 11/02/2025 08:38

She is absolutely in the wrong for even asking you to do this. Even more so when there are a group of you where someone else does have the space in their car. Why would she not ask the group if anyone can help her out?!

In your shoes, I would be the one who’s annoyed that someone even asked for such a ridiculous favour - it is not safe in any circumstance to have a child in the footwell. Completely different if you had space space in the back (even without child seat) and she put toddler there while she sat in front. This is something that would be ok to ask but should accept if driver is not comfortable

ShodAndShadySenators · 11/02/2025 08:40

I think people that don't drive themselves don't seem to understand the importance of car seats or other safety features of cars.

Abso-bloody-lutely. I also can't fly and every time we go on a plane, the cabin crew have to forcibly hold me down to put the seat belt on, because with not flying, I just don't understand about the safety features of a plane.

Or, this is actually such a bloody stupid thing to say and just a way to have a dig at people who can't drive. If you can't drive yourself about then you have to be very proactive about sorting your transport in advance and never expect to or rely on getting a lift from someone else. That's just not on. She should have booked a taxi to collect her from the group at the end time. She has a cheek expecting other people to sort out her transport for her like that (and in OP's case, risk OP's licence in the event of a crash. Not on!)

PippaAB · 11/02/2025 08:40

You only had 1 spare seat. Your friend needed a lift for 2 people.

Somebody else had 2 spare seats.

I think you did the right thing. She was much better in car with 2 spare seats even without a car seat, than sharing a seat/in a footwear

I would have hated to be put in that position.

Was it 3.5 miles of main roads / country roads etc? Not that it really makes much difference.

PippaAB · 11/02/2025 08:41

Like you say, if she had asked in advance, you could have sorted it...maybe she assumed you would have the big car.

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