Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No regrets, but would you have done this for your friend?

309 replies

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:34

One of my closest friends and me go to a mother and baby group. Her DH had dropped her off and she didn't have any way of getting home. She asked me for a ride to the nearest bus stop - 3.5 miles from where we were meeting.

The issue is we had our children with us. She didn't have a car seat for her toddler. I said my concerns (safety and legality) and she said she'd sit the toddler in the foot area in the front so she wouldn't be seen. I told her I just wasn't comfortable with it and it would be my responsibility if anything happened (you just never know). Someone else did it for her, but I wonder if others would have done it for a friend?

I'm in the bad books right now but feel like a friend shouldn't ask for that kind of favour. I feel both like a terrible friend but like I did the right thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:10

JHound · 11/02/2025 08:09

The fact your friend went somewhere without having a way of getting home is honestly the weirdest part of this story. They sound very irresponsible.

Show quote history

She's usually very responsible and self-sufficient. This isn't something I'd have expected from her.

OP posts:
Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:13

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:03

No cycle paths. She cycles everywhere with her toddler in a toddler bike seat on the back. Yes, toddler has a little helmet. It's very cute but would probably make me nervous. I do think that's a me issue though because there's not really anything wrong with it and it's good exercise.

Edited
Show quote history

I dunno, assuming 'no cycle paths' isn't 'no, cycle paths' then I don't think that's sensible at all.

I'm also not sure how you've got 3 full car seats in a small car? Could you not have rejigged just for the short journey? Usually you can turn off the passenger airbag - I'd have done that & put a kid there, her in the back with her little one & then driven hyper-carefully. I agree with pp that sometimes ppl just need help & you say this is out of character for her.

Motherofrascals · 11/02/2025 08:13

I mean what's done is done, but I'm intrigued. You have three children who were in three car seats in the back and therefore only the front passenger seat was available?

Otherwise, if it was that you had 2 car seats in the back and only the middle space free that wouldn't fit an adult then this might be helpful in case there's a next time

https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

Child car seats: the law

The rules for child car seats and booster seats - height, weight, age, type of vehicle, car, minibus, licensed taxi

https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:15

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:13

I dunno, assuming 'no cycle paths' isn't 'no, cycle paths' then I don't think that's sensible at all.

I'm also not sure how you've got 3 full car seats in a small car? Could you not have rejigged just for the short journey? Usually you can turn off the passenger airbag - I'd have done that & put a kid there, her in the back with her little one & then driven hyper-carefully. I agree with pp that sometimes ppl just need help & you say this is out of character for her.

Show quote history

Wider car. I have three car seats that were all occupied. Unless I stuck a kid and seat in the boot, I couldn't get another person in there, so that isn't even an option to consider.

OP posts:
letthemeatcakes · 11/02/2025 08:15

In the news this week is an article about a child who died who wasn't wearing a seatbelt. You absolutely did the right thing.

LizzieSiddal · 11/02/2025 08:15

There’s not a chance in hell I’d let a toddler be in my car without a car seat.
Even if you’d driven so carefully, someone else could have crashed into you, you’d then be in very serious trouble, not to mention the injuries a toddler would suffer in an accident.

You did the right thing.

WhatDidIComeInThisRoomFor · 11/02/2025 08:15

If you had three children already in car seats in the single back row of your car, it’s irrelevant about your friend not having a car seat, you couldn’t fit 2 more people into your car full stop and could never have given her a lift.

She should have thought things through, asked a friend with fewer than 3 DC if they could give her a lift home or to the bus stop and taken the car seat with her when her DH dropped her. Or he could have come back for her. Or let her have the car. Or she could have missed the group.

All of those seem better solutions than expecting to stow her toddler in a footwell.

MermaidMummy06 · 11/02/2025 08:16

I was asked to do this by a friend. I was very young, had no DC and asked myself, what would happen if we are pulled over or have an accident?'.

In both scenarios I'd be the one paying the price, so said no. And that was a very difficult thing for me to say back then. No way I was putting myself in that position, for anyone. I copped a lot of flak for it, but sometimes you have to wear it.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:17

Motherofrascals · 11/02/2025 08:13

I mean what's done is done, but I'm intrigued. You have three children who were in three car seats in the back and therefore only the front passenger seat was available?

Otherwise, if it was that you had 2 car seats in the back and only the middle space free that wouldn't fit an adult then this might be helpful in case there's a next time

https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

Thanks. Child is under 3 (2.5 years). It wasn't an emergency but, even if it was, there is no squeezing anyone or anything in there. It's full as it can be.

If she'd called me that morning and let me know I'd have taken the bigger car with extra seats.

OP posts:
IridescentRainbow · 11/02/2025 08:17

fourelementary · 11/02/2025 07:37

Why couldn’t she have sat in the back with toddler in the middle? Like you’d do in a taxi without a car seat? It was the toddler in the footwell that was the biggest issue for me… so you were both being unreasonable to not think of a better solution.

It’s illegal and dangerous, that’s why.

LostittoBostik · 11/02/2025 08:17

If there were three car seats in the back with 3 children in YANBU.

If you only had 2 children with you I would have offered the chance for her to sit in the middle with the toddler on her lap as that is legal. She might have refused it but at least you would have offered her an option.

YANBU to refuse the front seat.

Berthatydfil · 11/02/2025 08:18

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 07:39

My back seat is full of car seats. There is no room for another adult in there. But I also don't have the taxi exemption, or whatever allows them to do that.

Show quote history

Why couldnt that child sit in one of those seats?

user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 08:19

Did someone else at the group have a spare seat for them both?
She was in a pickle.
Did she get a taxi?

I would have had to have helped?
Could your child have waited at the group meeting with a friend while you drove friend home, as a one off?

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:19

Berthatydfil · 11/02/2025 08:18

Why couldnt that child sit in one of those seats?

Show quote history

Yet again, because my children were in those seats. All of them. Unless you're suggesting I should put her child in the seat and let mine sit on the floor. I'm not putting my child at risk.

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 11/02/2025 08:19

@IridescentRainbow it's not illegal - the law is very flexible around it.
More than it should be IMO; but it's not illegal in a circumstance like this (in extremis)

5128gap · 11/02/2025 08:20

No. Its very dangerous and I wouldn't enable her to put her child at risk. I'd have offered to get her a taxi if she was desperate and I could afford it as a one off, but i wouldn't want to be too involved with someone who couldn't organise basic arrangements to get home and expected me to take risks to sort her out.

BetweenStars · 11/02/2025 08:20

You did the right thing. Your car, your responsibility. She can say what she likes about you but it’s her shit parenting not yours.

Newname85 · 11/02/2025 08:21

In your place, I wouldn’t leave her there to figure it out on her own. I’d probably support her or just be with her as she approaches other people for help.

TaylorSwish · 11/02/2025 08:21

harijes · 11/02/2025 07:54

I would not have out a toddler in the footwell or boot.

However, for a close friend I would have found an alternative. Left one child with another parent and taken her there and come back. It would not have taken long.

i would have done that too but I have found out the hard way that once you do it people expect it every week and then take the piss.

Original poster
farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:22

user1492757084 · 11/02/2025 08:19

Did someone else at the group have a spare seat for them both?
She was in a pickle.
Did she get a taxi?

I would have had to have helped?
Could your child have waited at the group meeting with a friend while you drove friend home, as a one off?

Someone took her who only had one child themself. I don't know what arrangements they made for sitting the child in that car. That wasn't my concern.

Yes, I could have asked someone to stay with my child while I took her and gone back but it didn't occur to me, didn't occur to my friend since she didn't suggest it. Everyone was getting ready to leave and I'd have felt bad imposing on the host anyway as it would have meant she had people around longer than she had planned for.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 11/02/2025 08:22

This is illegal right? If stopped by the police you would be in big trouble. If there was an accident, you would be held responsible as the driver. I don't do illegal things for my friends.

MurderSheWrote2025 · 11/02/2025 08:22

I was asked this many years ago now when my kids were little. I said no for the same reason. They wanted driving round the lake rather than catching the ferry back. I didn’t hesitate to say no. I wasn’t that friendly with the person who wanted the lift but I was friendly with the person who asked me on their behalf. Didn’t change my relationship with either of them as far as I could tell although I suspect there was some moaning at the time from the person who wanted the lift.

Berthatydfil · 11/02/2025 08:22

Sorry I didnt read that.
if that is the case then you had no room for 2 extra passengers.

Caerulea · 11/02/2025 08:23

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:15

Wider car. I have three car seats that were all occupied. Unless I stuck a kid and seat in the boot, I couldn't get another person in there, so that isn't even an option to consider.

Show quote history

Like I say, airbag off, seat in the front then mum & kid in the back.

I'd argue that's far safer than being two squishy humans on a bike on a road without a cycle path which is what she would ordinarily do. Pretty sure the stats would bear that out, too.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 11/02/2025 08:23

farmlife2 · 11/02/2025 08:10

She's usually very responsible and self-sufficient. This isn't something I'd have expected from her.

Show quote history

You were right not to risk taking a child in the footwell which is dangerous. Your friend sounds very irresponsible going to an event she can’t get back from and not just calling a taxi, apart from risking her toddlers life.