This is too much cycling, right?

[Bananagirl23]

Husband goes on his bike the following:

Sat 9.30am-4pm
Sun 4pm - 9pm
Mon - Thu (after work) 6-8.30pm
Friday 6-7pm

its ridiculous, right? We have 1 DC age 11. It’s reached a point now where I don’t think I can carry on with the marriage

Something is going on. Unless he is training to take on the tour de France, this is excessive training even for an avid cyclist. You need time to recover. Every obsessed cyclist will tell you. My husband is one of them and at his top obsessive stage, he would go Tuesday and Thursday for an hour, Saturday 7-1pm, occasionally a longer one, Sunday, out for 1-2 hours max.

Agree. Get your ducks in a row op x

Have you got any hobbies that take you out of the house? What if you wanted to go out shopping or to a club then?

have you said something like ‘I miss you, I need you’ for example? And not just complained ? Not that you don’t have a right to complain. I’d be fucking furious but just trying a gentler approach?

She doesn't "need" him. That just sounds awful.

I'd be airtagging that bike...

I used to see the men liking men thing at work, some years ago, they all cycled together, all bought expensive gear for cycling , all cycled, seemingly all the time.
They made fun of one guy who would go out on his wedding anniversary with them, rather than spend time with his wife. They had kids.

No idea if they are still together.

45 is a great time to start over. Loads of life experience and you are still young and active.

Get a decent divorce settlement and work on building up a new life. You never know. You may have enough money to train for a new career.

Make sure you don’t get inconvenienced by this break up OP! I’m guessing you’ve done the lions share of the parenting for the last 11 years while his life hasn’t changed? He’s a selfish arsehole. Your poor DD as well - have you let him know that he’s also showing her that she’s not worth spending time with? Seek shit hot legal advice and throw him out OP.

It was very concerning that you went to the spare room - he’s the one in the wrong. Don’t act like this through your break up. He’s done you wrong and you need to hold your head high. Don’t run away or cower. Be strong for your lovely daughter who has a SHIT dad.

No, he's doing it because he's a selfish twat and possibly having an affair.

Presumably the OP doesn't want to leave her dd all day with a man who berates her all the time and resents being with her.

You need a plan OP, this is completely unsustainable and soul destroying. Don't let him upset you any more - get used to it just being you and dd, make your own happiness and fun with her and in the meantime get your ducks in a row.

Yes, he would be out on his arse.

You and dd deserve a much better life. What a muppet.

Is he training for something specific, with a deadline.

When I have ultramaraton goals I am doing sport 12-15h a week but it's with spousal agreement, parenting delegation and builds to a specific event (and I only do a "big" one every 5 years due to time away from family).

If it's an event, sit with the calendar and plan together.
Otherwise you're a workout widow and he's a selfish git.

Sun 4pm - 9pm
Mon - Thu (after work) 6-8.30pm
Friday 6-7pm

This time of year? when it's dark by 5pm? When road Salt on the road ruins his bike, other grit and grot & constant cleaning, rain, cold, in the dark? What are his lights, seriously blinding Audax?

So sorry to hear you're going through this OP. He sounds awful and doesn't deserve you. Honestly,I despair sometimes. I've read thread after thread on Mumsnet over the last week about ghastly men. Is it any wonder that I'm totally done with them now?

Thank you all so much for the support and comments! I managed to get some sleep so going to try and face things with a clearer head today. Sucks that it’s Valentine’s Day on Friday and I’m stuck with this arsehole… my parents are nearby and they’ve been wary of DH for a while. I’ll be speaking to them for advice on next steps.

He’s spent a fortune on his kit. He has four bikes if you can believe it, along with a ridiculous amount of lights, heated gloves and insoles, spandex, high vis etc. I feel like throwing it all in the bin

Honestly the amount of training is not excessive in itself (I know lots of keen cyclists who do far more plus strength and flexibility sessions aswell). And I assume some of the evening sessions are indoor at this time of year?
And for me it wouldn’t be a problem as both DH & I have similarly time consuming hobbies. But the issue is how you feel about it - it’s too much for you and that’s the important thing.

Do you feel you don’t spend enough time together? Or is it more that you don’t feel you have enough time for you and your interests? Those are quite personal things and couples differ greatly in how they feel about them. He needs to try to understand that - he might feel perfectly happy with how he balances family, hobbies, work but it’s not working for you.

I wouldn’t say he is having an affair as I am married to an obsessive runner which is just as irritating but less time consuming apparently (he is only out running for about 12 hours a week).

I don’t necessarily think it’s an affair but he’s clearly avoiding home and family life to do this hobby. And it’s not fair on you to expect you to just keep it all going, even though you’re DC is old enough not to need constant supervision etc.

It does sound like the marriage is either over or very much in trouble

Bloody hell, is he confused and thinks they are horses that all need an equal amount of exercise? (I've known blokes with horses that have spent less time out of the home!).

He's running away from something. Or to something.

I’m just curious - do you have children? If so, how on earth do you make that work? I used to have a very time consuming hobby (highish level eventing) but had to rein it in (‘scuse the pun!) once we had children, and DH had to do the same for his hobby (although he was nearing retirement age in his particular sport anyway so not a massive issue).

I’m just intrigued at how other people can manage to carry on with these sorts of things! It’s all I can manage these days to get to the gym regularly and ride out a couple of times a week

He cycles endlessly and blames you? I'd be out.

I think this is reasonable enough if you have a hobby OP? Of course it's a healthy hobby.

@ProfessionalPirate
yes 2 DC but they are teenagers now and able to get themselves to most of their activities - definitely was harder when they were younger but we did have some family help.
Also I work part-time - to be fair not sure we could manage otherwise. I’m ok with DH disappearing at the weekend if I’ve had a couple of days to myself during the week