This is too much cycling, right?

[Bananagirl23]

Husband goes on his bike the following:

Sat 9.30am-4pm
Sun 4pm - 9pm
Mon - Thu (after work) 6-8.30pm
Friday 6-7pm

its ridiculous, right? We have 1 DC age 11. It’s reached a point now where I don’t think I can carry on with the marriage

I'd be saying "on yer bike"

Is he out all those hours in this weather?! Dh is an extremely keen cyclist but is on the turbo now. Surely it’s too cold to be out that length of time?

Dh does rides at weekends but is finished by 11 ish unless a summer day ride. He does an hour in the morning but on turbo mostly and Tuesday evenings 90mins.

To be fair I started doing an hour on the turbo in the morning myself and lost two stone.

That's not cycling, it's avoiding family life.

As a cyclist I would get those times at w/end but nighttime in the dark? Is this road or off road? With friends or solo? Is he in a club? I'd be doubting those night time rides. Still, when he is divorced he can go out all he wants.

My husband does less than that when training to do LEJOG/JOGLE.

It's worth giving left of field a try.

Change tack and support his cycling.
Buy the kids a bike and suggest that you all do an easy ride every Saturday morning.
DH is to plan the route etc. Make the rest of Saturday a family day - doing chores, cooking, washing etc and the bike ride.

Support your husband going for a ride two nights per week for one hour or suggest that he rides to and fro work.
Organise your own night time activity one night per week and one night per week where DH is to cater for each child's hobby - pick ups etc.
Ask DH to plan a family cycling holiday for you all for one week including motel stays.

What would happen if the nagging to stop his passion changed to a family interest in joining him?

My brother has a wonderful relationship with his daughter based around them cycling some where nice a few times per year and much more regularly when she was a teenager.

Being divorced might suit him, he can cycle even more.

Why does he not want to spend time with the kid, if not you?

my husband likes cycling, but he wouldn’t dream of going out this much. He is too focused on the kids.

On the phone at 9am OP. Book up with a solicitor and get that ball rolling.

Don't waste another second of your life on this gaslighting tosser.

You are getting flirted with so you still have it. Make use of it!

That’s such a sweet suggestion user Dh tried that but kids being kids both ours insist they absolutely hate cycling. Family bike trips were rubbish dd2 although moderately sporty at other things would cry whenever there was even a slight hill. As teens neither has been on a bike for years….

It's ridiculous. Nobody trains that much.
So either he's having an affair rather than cycling - but I'm sure he'll be on Strava so it's got to be easy enough to follow him and see exactly where and when he's going. Message me his name and I'll happily check for you if you like.
But my guess is that he's developed an obsession that's out of control, and whether it's happened so he can escape from family life, or whether the escape is a by-product of the obsession, is something maybe even he doesn't realise: And now he's just addicted, and having been married to an alcoholic I know how difficult it is to break an addiction. Honestly I think that getting out might be the only way to (pardon the pun) break the cycle.

I have a hobby, let’s say cycling. I do go every weekend and most evenings. The difference is, I’m the one who works part time so I can do every school run and cook every meal. In the evenings I go mostly after bedtime and the weekends it’s one day and not every weekend.

There are compromises to be made if you want to.

My dh is also a very keen cyclist but yours is really taking the biscuit and definitely avoiding family time.

For comparison:

When our kids were little dh would get up very early and go for a long cycle on a Saturday but then be back mid-morning - we would have a more leisurely start and then we could all do something together.

Would also do one evening cycle, leaving at about 6. I quite liked having an evening to myself.

When work was in cycling distance he would go there and back by bike.

Now his cycling is like this: One evening as always, Saturday morning, back by lunch. In the winter, one hour max on the turbo thing before dinner most days.

Dh almost always cycles with a group, most of his friends have been made through that.

Does yours cycle alone or with a group?

Two 5+ hour stints at the weekend isn't that weird to me. I much prefer a longer ride/novel cafe stop to doing the same old local loops. Every weekend is a bit much, though.

The weekday riding is what struck me as more unusual. Is he really doing 2-2.5 hours every single day after work? 😳 He either hates his life, LOVES cycling, or has a secret second family/job/addiction.

Literally when is he home?

Do this. Best idea ever.

I was a serious cyclist before I had teens and associate weekend taxi commitments.

Cocking really needs consistency to keep up the fitness to do it, and keep up with your group.

Everyday and 2 big chunks of the weekend is unnecessary; also thoughtless and selfish. Twice a week would be fine.

Could he alternate Saturdays and Sundays, and cut down to 2 evening rides a week?
Could he ride to work to get some miles in?

You need to reclaim some time for yourself. He needs to learn to care for his DC - just done unsupervised and on the job.

What?! That's excessive! Sounds like hes trying to avoid you. Whats the point of the relationship?! I.would.refuse.to.visit his family where he pretends all.is.good. I'd try couples.counselling, then divorce.

Is he on Strava? Are you? You can follow his progress on there. As a cyclist he will almost definitely be tracking his training and then spending an hour looking at his times and his personal bests. If he's not on Strava, I would guess he's cheating x

It’s not 15 hours a week. It’s more than 22 hours a week.

op you are not going mad, it’s completely ridiculous. You have no relationship. If you divorce, you will be fine. Honestly.

As a cyclist myself. He isn't cycling all that time.
1000% he's lying

I know a couple of men who have used cycling as an excuse for an affair. One I saw an upload of strava to his affair partners house. It soon disappeared.

Sorry op, he's up to no good.

How do you know she's "nagging"? Is it because she's a woman?
Why should she accommodate, accept and even promote this level of selfishness?

I used the word 'nagging' due to Op's post about her husband saying. "I only go because you're always at me."
He sees it as nagging, not me.

So next Saturday get up early and leave the house. Take yourself off for the day (leave a note so he doesn't leave DC alone) .

He's doing it because you're allowing him to.

I started again at 46 and I'm having the best time. It's better being on your own than miserable. Mine was snappy with us all, turns out it was an emotional affair. I was on my own for a bit and met someone else who's the complete opposite. You've a whole life ahead of you. Don't stay unhappy.