This is too much cycling, right?

[Bananagirl23]

Husband goes on his bike the following:

Sat 9.30am-4pm
Sun 4pm - 9pm
Mon - Thu (after work) 6-8.30pm
Friday 6-7pm

its ridiculous, right? We have 1 DC age 11. It’s reached a point now where I don’t think I can carry on with the marriage

is he going out cycling or at home on a static bike? Just wondered if he is really cycling if out of he house as it's daily.

You both work and he is a very high earner and you don't go on 'proper' holidays? Is there a reason? It's quite unusual.

OP, you are being taken for a fool. This is an insane amount of time away from family and he’s a gaslighter to blame you.

How about next time he’s on a 6.5 hour bike ride you pack his things, leave them outside the house with a note saying “On yer bike”. Or something slightly less dramatic but still involves leaving him?
And have a non serious rebound fling with the coworker

Why can't he go every morning from 5-8am?

Then he can work and see his family.

That is an excessive amount of cycling.
He must be road riding in the dark, as one wouldn't be able to do 'Downhill' mountain biking safely in the dark. {Unless you are in Southern Hemisphere and it's summer still}

He's really being selfish here.

OP, can I suggest:
Try and get some sleep
Wake up and have a MASSIVE 3 days pity party
Pull yourself together and make an exit plan. If he’s a high earner then make sure you get decent maintenance.

If nothing else you are modelling a shitty relationship to your DD. Do you want her to find someone who doesn’t respect her when she’s older? Show her what a strong positive woman looks like and kick his arse and his stupid bike to the kerb.

Lots of unmumsnetty hugs x

You don't have to ''start again''.

It's quite feasible to be single and to live in peace with your daughter.

It's not mandatory to shackle up with another man.

This.

And I say this as a widow of a dearly-loved man.

I agree about not having to start again.

Don’t look too far ahead.
Just focus on what you ‘don’t’ want in your life for now.

I’m assuming some of this is on road and the rest is Swift?
Cycling, as with any sport, can become addictive.

He’s taking the total piss.

I'm afraid this has all the hallmarks of an affair. The fact that he didn't engage when OP asked for a divorce tells you that he is:

1. Confident that the relative financial power imbalance in his favour would make following through on a divorce challenging for OP
2. Cognisant that OP is attached to the house and would be reluctant to lose it
3. Is of the belief that his affair partner would give him a nice soft landing and welcome him with open arms full time into their lives if the divorce were to proceed

Sorry, OP

Cycling can be addictive. But those times are weird. Looks like he actively tries to avoid family time.
I have a cycling obsessed DH, but he gets it out of his system by cycling to work an hour each way and the occasional club ride once a week, usually 8am to midday on a Sunday to avoid traffic and sometimes a week day evening in the summer.

Is he going on his bike or the village bike?

Seriously, I cycle and there is no way anyone goes out for 11 hours on the weekend. I'd be checking his Strava and seeing exactly where he goes and when.

This is unbelievable behaviour. That's not a hobby, it's an avoidance tactic. And does sound like he's having an affair. Agree with PP, cyclists tend to catch the early bird not the evening tail.

Sorry OP.

Start getting things in order, and don't be coy about it.

He has taken it as an empty threat.

Impressive calves maketh a good man not.

Could be affair… man or woman. He is obviously not happy to be at home. To be honest when the kids were little my husband had all these hobbies that took all day. Golf, fishing, cricket, country pursuits it was annoying but he wasn’t fun to be with if he didn’t get his outdoor stretches. Now we are still together but we mostly live separately about 6 months we do spend together. It began like that for work reasons but just worked. Relationships do evolve.

if you can afford it suggest he moves out and then he can indulge his hobbies (affair or confusion over sexuality or whatever it may be) and you can see how much calmer your life is without the tension this is causing.

Get professional advice on the financial side OP x

He clearly doesn't like women.

Time to create a new warm life full of love just for you & your DD.

I'm sorry. There should be enough time for you to each have your own hobby/free time (while the other does childcare) and also family time, and he's literally taking all the free time in the week for his own hobby. It's not fair.

This. Think my OH cycles similar amount on average but he does 5-8am my 3 days on morning school run, an hour a day of normal commuting or run up to shops for any bits & bobs needed daily & then about once every 3 weeks he does an all day thing where he’s out 5am-10pm. It really isn’t a huge bother when it’s done to fit around family time. On occasion it still can be irritating & we have had discussions on a couple of occasions in the past when he’s managed to book group rides for more frequently than twice in a month. I think it’s fine with getting a day off each every few weeks but it’s not fine one person having regular “days off” and leaving the other with a choice of no family time at all or no time to pursue their own interests

Where is he cycle in mid winter at those times in the dark? Or are you somewhere where is light and warmer?

are you sure he is out cycle?

or is he insid cycle?

They are weird times for a start. A whole Saturday every week and then the evenings? DH goes out at daybreak for a couple of hours before anyone else is awake and there is little to no traffic on the roads. Even when training for a silly Ironman thing, he doesn't spend all day every week on it.

Tell him that he's obviously unhappy and you're willing to liberate him and his bike as long as you keep the house

Changed username for this. My husband is similarly addicted - and it really is an addiction - and it has seriously affected our time as a family. Until recently the stupid bike came on every family holiday. If we visit family at Christmas, he bike rides home. We can't go anywhere together as a family on weekend mornings because bike riding comes first. I do most bedtimes by myself because he's on Zwift. He gets depressed if he can't ride to the point where it's just easier to send him off to his bike.

Unfortunately, he's had doctors congratulate him on his fitness and encourage him to keep going so any resistance on my part is met with "The doctor said I have to do this for my health!". Even more annoyingly, when he's too tired to bike ride he'll pretend he wanted to take the day off to spend time with me, which is absolute bullshit. He'd always rather be cycling.

There's a percentage of men who just can't or won't moderate their riding, even when they have a family to come home to. I'm sorry you're going experiencing this, it's a very lonely place to be.

I also wonder how he cycles in the dark. I enjoy a bike ride but not in the dark.