Parents evening MUST be face to face

[Twinkle786]

Hello everyone, i have 2 children in mainstream school years 3&4. School has gave out parents evening dates and i replied to both teachers requesting a telephone appointment because i am unable to attend a face to face appointment. My son’s teacher gave me a date and time for a phone call no problem. However my daughter’s teacher said quite abruptly - “no it has to face to face” I said “oh my sons teacher said its fine and will do it over the phone” and she said again very sternly “well Im doing as I'm told all appointments are face to face this year so no phone call” So i replied “well the appointment you have given me i will have to cancel then as i wont be able to attend” and she said “right well il be in touch to see when you can rearrange” End of conversation i left with my children.
I have 2 other children at home, one is a non verbal autistic 3 year old who has suspected adhd too (sleeps on average 5 hours in a 24hr period) Exhausting!! and a 11 year old who cannot and will not leave the house due to his disability. During school run pickup i have a friend that comes over to sit with them whilst i collect my other children as soon as im back she has to leave as she has work commitments, so already it is extremely rushed for me to get home asap.
I have explained this to my daughters teacher in a email which i replied to straight away when she emailed me with a different date and time again to see if i was available. I also stated that during school hours i would be able to attend as i can make arrangements during these hours for childcare. I have had no response. In the past i have attended all parents evenings as i was able to rely upon my mother and father to look after my children whilst i attended the appointments, but now both have sadly passed away so i dont have anybody else who can watch them after school hours. I don't understand why she is refusing to do a telephone appointment, this is really stressing me out and i don't want to be the talk of the staff room.
100% i know what my daughters teacher is going to say during parents evening as they say it every year- good as gold, model pupil always listens works hard never in trouble etc etc so its not as if there is any concerns with my daughter i have no doubt about that.. How am i meant to approach this little situation now any advice please.

The OP has much on her plate, this child will also have restrictions on her life because of her siblings needs, like her mum not being able to attend her parents evening. If a grown adult can't take five minutes to tell her mum she's doing well then it really says aot about that adult.

Cardibach- I was available for a phone call after school time so not just during school hours i said to her if you want a face to face appointment then i could only do during school hours but if she could do a telephone call instead then im available anytime that suited her.. iv still not heard anything so Im just going to leave it unless she mentions anything herself. There are no concerns about DC :)

Absoutley, it really does say a lot.
Arguing that the teacher should not even email back with a quick update about the child is harsh. The parent has been polite and is clearly interested in her childs progress.

Thankyou all for everyones messages and advice, i reached out because i was genuinely stressed over this situation, now its been a couple days i feel less anxious after reading some helpful comments. I really didn't mean to cause arguments and upset so i apologise for what my post has created.
Thanks again though i appreciate the help at my time of need :)

@cardibach
I do respect your years of experience and I can understand if the parent was rude or just didn't show up for the meeting and subsequently demanded a phone call that a teacher may not wish to facilitate this.

However this parent has been respectful and asked in advance. And if the teacher cannot or does not wish to make a phone call I think she can at least email back with a quick update about the child.

I do feel you were reasonably harsh and difficult yesterday.

@Twinkle786 glad you are feeling better about it and you do not need to apologise at all. Sometimes these things can get heated!
You have done absoutley nothing wrong, you sound like a great mum.

Since Covid all my dd parents evenings have been through video calls. It's much more efficient. I'd perhaps send an email to the school in the next few days asking for an update on how your children are getting on as you couldn't attend the parents evening. I don't think that would be an unreasonable request.

As a teacher I would absolutely not judge you for this. This would not make you the talk of the staff room. I would personally see it is admirable that you are taking an interest in your child's learning as so many parents are not bothered ( from experience not on here)

A phone call to the head/head of year might be a good idea in order to request a call . Unless it is a strict policy at their school I have never worked in a school that couldn't accommodate this.

@TheignT I’m genuinely pleased for you but that’s slightly more urgent and important than a parents evening for a primary school aged child! 😂

Your sympathy really comes across…
I’m genuinely baffled that you fail to see the bigger picture here.

Completely agree with @TheignT here

Did you miss the post I was replying to, that was the post that referred to dentists and no one expecting them to do it and yet my dentist travelled to his surgery, brought his wife along as his nurse and fixed my problem on a bank holiday. Despite no one expects dentist to do the equivalent of 5 minutes on the phone he did far more

Seems a shame that one of your children doesn’t get a discussion about their progress because of the needs of their siblings. But if you can’t go you can’t go. It’s fair enough to make them face to face though, it’s a couple of meetings a year at most.

No sympathy for this situation. You do seem to be struggling a bit with comprehension

OP I'm glad you're happier now.

As for, why does one teacher say no when the other doesn't:

• boundaries: some teachers will protect what little they can about their work hours while others (often young) will try to please everyone - the latter often cause issue for those with boundaries
• balance: one teacher may only have had you asking for a call, the other may have had 4 or 5 parents asking, and suddenly "only 5min" can turn into quite a lot, especially as one email is usually followed up by a response and can generate a whole chain. You'd be surprised how many parents' cars break down on a cold, rainy parents' evening.
• genuine time: especially those with responsibilities usually have nothing left in the time they can physically spend working in school
• a strop: if this teacher had asked for calls/ virtual parents' evenings/ emails instead for whatever reasons (e.g. they were really struggling to stay late that day themselves for personal reasons, but could have wfh) and had been told that no, parents' evening is face to face only, no exceptions, they may well be deliberately taking that literally and you may be on the receiving end of that strop in protest of their manager
• it's a job, they get paid and they have learned that the guilt-tripping around what's best for "stakeholders" just leads to a whole lot of unpaid overtime. See also boundaries.

I'm not defending them, nor disagreeing, but I can easily see why there'd be a discrepancy.

Maybe the school needs to have a look at disability discrimination as it applies to carers. This mother should not be discriminated because she is a carer for someone with a disability. She is entitled to reasonable adjustments so she can have a meeting about her child's progress like any other parent.

@TheignT

How condescending! 😂
Are you actually suggesting that the situation you mentioned is comparable?
1 - Dentists are paid a hell of a lot more than teachers!
2 - I’m assuming he was paid for the treatment and time he had given up or are you seriously suggesting that he performed your treatment for free? I’m also assuming that it’s his own business that he is directly responsible for. Teachers have no responsibility for the running of a school and don’t get paid for extra work.
3 - If you really think that a dental emergency is a similar situation to a parent who can’t attend a scheduled parents’ evening then there’s not much more I can say to you!

Honestly I would take this angle to the head if she doesn’t reply today. The teacher, now with full context of the request, should be more flexible in light of OP’s caring responsibilities.

Our children's school does parents evenings via a special app online. Bit like a zoom call but cuts off after a specific time. Absolutely brilliant as everything runs to time, we see the teacher and we don't have to worry about childcare!
Maybe you could suggest something similar to your DDs teacher - as you are then face to face!!
I would contact the head again and state how difficult this teacher is being, especially as your DSs teacher is being accommodating.

I would just not go. It’s not important that you attend face to face and it matters not a jot what they might say- you’ve made your situation clear. Ask them to send you an email update.

Can the children's father not watch them? I have to say though your not doing those children any favours by keeping them in all the time.

I agree with this. Taking at face value what the op has said about the interaction with the teacher and having two disabled children at home, I think the teacher was dismissive and quite discourteous (not examples I ever wanted set for my children), and actually there is a very good reason for an adjustment to be made. It's called disability discrimination by association.

I'd have referred the matter directly to the Head, referencing both the inflexible and unreasonable attitude, notwithstanding it sounds as though the teacher spoke to the op as though she were 8, and the inability to come in in person in the evening due to caring responsibilities for disabled children.

I think you are being defensive here - they will not be judging or discussing you in the staffroom. However, you need to simply contact the Head teacher’s office, explain (or remind them) of your circumstances and ask if you can have a telephone conversation/zoom with the class teacher. Whilst they can’t accommodate every parent if reasons are ‘work commitments’ the school should be trying to support your child.

I don't see the issue with a phonecall at all. I know my kids school actually preferred the over the phone parents meetings during covid times. My sons teacher said half the parents don't turn up for the face to face one's. I would absolutely opt for phonecalls if I could. I think you should speak to the head. Explain your situation. That teacher sounds like she's just being awkward! I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents. My parents help me alot with childcare so I understand the challenges you must have now.

Could she not phone you after the school day/could your friend stay a bit longer one day so you can have a brief 5 min chat at pick up? That would be the way I would play it.