Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

I would just "match her energy" and tell her very plainly but pleasantly that she's not to comment to anyone's weight/appearance in your home, and that this Harry and Meghan show is totally cringey when you're down the pub with the family.

That said, whilst it's perfectly reasonable to ask her to moderate some aspects of her behaviour, you can't expect her to change her actual personality.

I'm not British, but I'd be having words with my son about those comments. It shows she has a very poor character, only very thick people believe they can lazily stereotype an entire population. And it takes an even more horrible person to share these views loudly with the population concerned...

I see this as no different to the stupid comments by some about my own ethnicity.

I wouldn't welcome a xenophobe into the family under any circumstances.

That's interesting, I thought she was a Megan Markle clone 🙄

😂

It might run its course or she might tone it down a bit !? It's probably not worth a showdown at this point. I would definitely call out really cheeky behaviour and make lots of jokes about the pda (so unnecessary) and hope the rest of it might improve with time ? (Or they will break up 😏) I have a sister in law like this and she is just soo annoying and hasn't improved. Sorry.

I admit to only having read page one of the comments. I would put my foot down and say to son exactly what behaviour you expect of them both, and he can pass the message on. The display of affection too much stop. The rudeness stop. They have an alternative go to her parents early if they can't afford a hotel . Your house, your rules, explain it is making you feel uncomfortable especially around the younger kids. Your husband sounds like he is enjoying the show, I am sure her Dad won't want her sitting on sons knee in a restaurant!

Would you say the same to an Indian family dealing with 'All Indian people stink of curry, not you though lol' or ''All Nigerian people are ugly'?

As someone who has been subject to this occasionally over the years I believe it shows the girlfriend has an awful character.

Sometimes stupidity and ignorance can look very much like confidence at first glance...

It was brave to cook pasta for an Italian! I think “that’s a rude thing for a guest to say,” is fine given the circumstances.

And, “if you don’t like my food, maybe you should go to a restaurant?”

Tell your son they need to rein in the PDA a bit in front of the rest of the family. Or just, “get a room” accompanied by an eye roll. Ideally said by the teenagers.

Hmmm, This adds extra context for me. Basically she's a snob about food and (her) culture. Still not great but I don't think criticising a jar of pasta sauce is the same as criticising your cooking. Don't get me wrong she still doesn't sound very nice.

I don't think you'll be stuck with her for long once the shine wears off.

Indeed. My partner would probably be the same. It's infuriating and makes you feel so alone.

Yes, I had just copied out this part of the OP and was reading through the thread -

"My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her"

This would really really annoy me, two dopey men fawning over someone so rude, if she wasn't a total babe they'd have no time for her rudeness but they're both blind to it because they're beguiled by her beauty. Argh OP you have my sympathies!!!

Edited to add - I hadn't read to the end and seen the update. Still very rude!!! My son has had plenty of male houseguests over who I thought were a little rude or rough when it came to manners but compared they're absolute sweethearts. She sounds negative, judgemental, and inconsiderate to the feelings of others. Culturally I don't know if this is normal or not.

Well she's not in Italy now.

But brits are the unusual ones here, I think loads of cultures would say a jar of their nations food wasn't the same as the real one without realising how inappropriate that is in our culture.

Yes. There's bad cooks everywhere.

Is OP pretending to be an authentic Italian chef then? A jar of any sauce isn't authentic, clearly, but I don't think anyone thinks it is!

If you have any pushback from your son I’d ask him to take note of what happens when he visits her family. Would he be pulling her onto his lap in front of her dad? Making derogatory comments about Portuguese/ Italian men in particular and laughing at her dad’s ‘pathetic’ decorating skills or career? Or is it a case of ‘when in Rome’ at hers but ‘let’s be rude to the nice Brits as they can take it’ at yours?

Ugh, he's missing the point as men often seem to.
Him defending her won't make you feel any better about the situation, it will just make you feel unheard and resentful.
You're entitled to put her right when she's making her nasty comments in your home, in fact if you don't she'll get worse as she'll just become more emboldened, I've learned this from experience 😒

She sounds insufferable. A lot of Italian people, while perfectly nice in Italy, suddenly lose all personality beyond ‘I’m loud and have opinions about the correct way to cook pasta’ when they first move abroad.

The next time it happens, I'd tell her straight that we don't appreciate her comments about British people as we are British people

Politely but pointed

The rest I'd ignore and hope that the relationship fizzles out

A headline oft repeated:
'Son has new gf who will never be good enough for him (us), according to his mother.'

I work with an Italian woman. She's certainly not rude or unpleasant but the opinions come thick and fast. It's always how they do it better in Italy. Not sure if it's cultural or not. It's quite wearing though.

Let's hope it doesn't last @Bluebrownies !

Maybe follow it up with - that’s pretty misogynistic and xenophobic! 😂

What do you think of the men, are they acceptable? And what about the physical appearance of men and women from other countries?

Has she met every single woman from Britain?

Sounds like she’s pretty confident she’s the star of the show and is probably the same wherever she goes. Your son is under her spell for now, hopefully she’ll improve or the relationship will fizzle out. She sounds a prize tool.

‘Very passionate people’ = shrieking on the tube and having a fit of the vapours at a Dolmio advert.

Oh my goodness that is very insulting of him! He's essentially saying you're jealous of her!
I'd be apocalyptic.. .😡
There's so much wrong with his attitude...

Well, the Mediterranean diet wasn't a craze here for nothing!
It is generally healthier (despite the PP who said pasta and oil were about to kill you), so she has a point. And, someone who cooks, especially an Italian, wouldn't be using a jar of sauce in a bolognaise, so from her view...