Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

People on here talk about how much bigger Brits are or how much bigger Americans are. It’s passing cultural commentary, more than anything. And I think other cultures can be a bit more direct and find us al to be a bit roundabout.

she’s and adult I think it’s ok to say that’s a bit a rude or that a bit of a generalisation etc etc. obviously she needs a bit of tact. The PDA is both of them.
she just seems like a gregarious and confident young woman, which is fine. Just different than you are used to. But im sure a silent shy doesn’t say hello young woman would be also be seem as rude.

best to be charitable as anyone staying for 3 weeks tends to get grating.

She sounds very challenging. I have to say I agree with her opinions but I don't agree that she feels it is her place to be so vocal and outwardly personal. She needs to be a little more self aware and learn some humility which may bring basic respect. It is lovely to have a colourful confident personality, but not at the expense of others. The reason (I believe) I get on so well with my MIL is that she never gave her opinion (and she certainly has them) unless it was asked for.

This. EVery Italian I know is pretty direct.

I don’t agree with most of the advice you’ve had on here.
I think she sounds quite entertaining (except the pda but they’ll grow out of that) and like she has a personality at least.
If I were you I’d really try and hide the fact that you don’t like her. A comment about a jar of sauce shouldn’t be taken personally and she is right anyway.

Ask her to show you how to make a good one from scratch. It’s only a few weeks and for the sake of future relations, be as nice as you can muster. I’m with your husband.

I think if someone comes for three weeks @Bluebrownies you have to tackle it head on.

"Ugh all the Brits are fat", "yes we are getting bigger as a nation, but it's impolite to remark on it"

"Ugh, I don't like the look of what you're cooking", "that's a shame because it's what we are having and you should try some. We eat together here, is there anything yiu would like me to cook tomorrow, as long as it's in my repertoire?"

If she walks in with too much flesh on show, just say "goodness, you'll freeze, put a jumper on and the pot for the flesh tax is on the counter, can you put a fiver in".

If she were sitting on my ds's lap in a restaurant, making a show of herself and him, I'd have told them to behave and stop being an embarrassment. For the kissing and canoodling at home, I'd just say "for goodness sake, can you put each other down, we don't want to see it"

I think we'd have set the bar immediately op and then we'd just take the piss a bit.

But, guests for three weeks can be awfully tiresome and with a bit of luck, they'll break up when they finish travelling and grow up a bit.

Honestly I would suck it up for the few weeks and hope she doesn't last! You don't want him leaving on a bad note.

If she continues with the ugly/fat comments (without being prompted) I would quietly take son aside and say she's entitled to her opinion but can she not say it infront of your Dsis. If he defends her drop it you don't want to fall out. I definitely wouldn't say anything directly to her.

The pdas will wear off it's lovely being in love and wanting each other.

I lived in Italy for years and Italians are not rude people. This is absolutely not typical behaviour

Surely you can't think this means unsuspecting british teenagers should be repeatedly subjected to it being pointed out? We're not talking about a household of fully established adults having a lifestyle debate here we're talking about young teenagers repeatedly being told "their kind" of people are ugly and fat and their food is bad.

In some situations semantics are completely irrelevant.

All these suggested replies supposedly putting her in her place are making me cringe. Don't do them!

If you actually asked her what her opinion is of brits I don't think you can complain about her giving it.

I can completely see why she doesn't like your cooking and an older or more experienced person would not comment but honestly it doesn't sound great.

When I stay with my mum I offer to cook for her to give her a break but this is really so I don't have to eat her cooking.

Pasta with a jar is going to upset most Italians (and a fair few Brits).

If you ask her to cook for you then maybe you'll get to eat some lovely home cooked Italian meals?

Organise a son and mother outing for a whole day. Claim it is because he is going away travelling - it's fair enough.
Girlfriend can go walking in parkand see a movie with sisters etc.
Go out for lunch, chat, say that you like his girlfriend and have a nice time and also be very sure to tell him ONE slightly negative comment about PDAs in fron of people and in public. Ask him to consider the other people around him, how uncomfortable he would feel if you and his Dad smooched all the way through dinner in a restaurant or all the time while watching TV near him and his sisters.

Also say that you are going to politely respond to his girlfriend if she makes generalised denegrating comments about how people look - such as saying that all Brits are fat in front of his sisters. That you are not judging her, just her comments. You won't be letting tham slide... so please do not take offense.

Then have some answers to the girlfriend's comments.
Speak at the time - don't let things fester.
"We Brits find it rude to comment on a person's looks, please don't talk like that in front of sisters".. smile.
"Sorry you don't like it. In our culture we only make positive comments on the food we are served. We learn when we are children to say Thank You and leave anything we don't want to eat on our plate."
"Are you saying that I am fat? In Britain it is considered very bad mannered to say that. " smile.

Only comment on things that really are rude and only once.
Make sure all other communication is uplifting and positive.

@Bluebrownies For what it is worth i think Anglo-Celtic women are the most beautiful in the world.

It's very rude to criticise someone who is allowing you to stay in their home and who is feeding you for free. If she wants authentic Italian food then she needs to make it or find somewhere that sells it.

OP i have Italian, Portugese and German relatives. Some of these are cousins, beautiful and about the same age as your DS and his gf. I don't think they'd ever talk to anyone like this never mind their prospective in laws. This isn't a cultural thing it's just rudeness and you should call it out as such. PS they've bought partners along to family events and seem more than capable of sitting on separate seats and having a mature conversation with us rather than sitting on each other's laps chewing each other's faces off....

... and by the same token he's behaving like a bit of a fool in front of his family which is pathetic. You could tell him that. How obvious it is and does he really think that it's appreciated by anyone at all?

This woman sounds out of her depth and is behaving badly. I think you've handled it well. I would though have a word with your son about the PDAs and tell him to stop it. As for her giving her opinions on your sauces, coffee and cola, just respond with something dismissive like, "And?" or "Not any of your business, is it?".

As for commenting negatively about other people, come down hard on it (as you have). My family is also European and speak without thought or brakes. You have daughters and they need to carry on as they are, not take lessons from a loudmouth.

As an aside, this thread is a bit of a surprise - not because of you, OP, but because of the replying posters who are rallying support for the 'fat brits'. On any other thread that doesn't happen, there is no attempt to disguise disgust of it. It must be a common enemy that's engendered this protectiveness.

I suspect that when your son goes to visit her parents he will see a different side of his girlfriend and that might knock some corners off. It can be exhausting to be in a country (as a brit) where opinions are very loud and never turned off.

Hmmm…. Sounds really challenging.

But she mainly just sounds young and a bit foolish.

Could you lean into this encounter? Embrace the cultural friction, ask her to teach you a brilliant, healthy Italian recipe, even ask her for suggestions on a makeover?

I’m middle aged and overweight. I worked out the other day I need to lose 42lbs to have a healthy BMI, and that my size 16 body technically put me in the obese category. I feel defensive about it, but I’ll feel healthier and happier and more likely to live long enough for any hypothetical grandchildren to remember me. Perhaps this rude mouthy girl (who sounds clever and beautiful) could be the catalyst for healthy change? Spend time actively and empathically listening to her and she maybe will soon love you too.

But hats off for hosting someone for three weeks, that would drive me demented!

No, "direct" isn't the same as rude.
This woman is rude.

This. People are excusing her on here - and the DS. It's not acceptable.

My guess is that you will come to love her and her ways!

How?

Love this response

I would agree. Also, in all fairness, not all Italian food is great and not all Italians are good cooks. Even if they were, it's no excuse for rudeness.

@Bluebrownies

I think I like that she is headstrong. And it’s lovely that they are young and having fun.
I’d play any annoyances right back at her.

Food - tell her she’s on cooking duty tomorrow as you need a family lesson
Fat - start singing ‘Nessun Dorma’ Pavarotti style every time she mentions it
PDA - start sitting on your husbands lap, snogging every time they start up
Ugly - they have a festival in Italy for ugly people. Print off some of the photos, or have them made into a calendar…
https://www.vice.com/en/article/piobbico-ugly-people-world-association-festival-876/

I've been caught out by 'pages' again. I've seen the rest of the thread now and am reassured that all is well, posters are as expected.

She sounds like quite a character, but pretty immature and a bit un-self aware. I think I would laugh off her blunt comments to be honest. Who cares what she thinks. Re the PDA I would have a quiet word with your son re toning it down a bit, that would make me a bit uncomfortable too.