Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Why not to talk to her directly? Polite, but direct conversation, like "You are seem to be a nice, intelligent girl, but could you please stop as your comments are rude and it's a bad tone PDA in restaurants and in front of the family non stop. And we (Brits) are who we are, your bf is Brit(born and bread), and you like him, so there is something we do good, right?" If she is direct person, be like her, but polite one:) I don't think it will cause any trouble

There are some thoughts you keep in your head. The OP is her host. She should be respectful.

Because she's being rude and insulting in her home in front of her impressionable daughters... that's why. 😒

Okay- well some 20 years ago I lived with two Italians in a flat share for 2 years and it was ,like thsi constantly. I think that it is somewhat cultural- a sense of cultural superiority and pride combined with no small bit of homesickness because of culture shock (at least, being kind to my flat mates- who at the time I could not stand it was!). Add that to the natural arrogance of youth.

I actually started saying things like ; 'Isn't it funny how cultures are so different! In my culture to be very open like this is considered to be very rude. Your culture is clearly more open!'. Or variations thereof. I'm not sure if it really hit the mark, but things did fade off a bit.

I did learn some seriously good Italian recipes though. But I sympathise.

I remember when I was young I stayed with a friend at their parents' house in Malaysia. The mum decided to cook me "bangers and mash". It was awful. I said nothing apart from thank you, and ate it. I made no comment about the lumpy mash and the awful sausages. It would be ill mannered and very arrogant to behave otherwise.

I work with a lot of Europeans and have married someone who grew up in Europe. I think it's normal for them to comment on people being fat. It's taboo here but I've noticed other nationalities just come out and say "You/they are fat!".
I also think she'll notice a difference between Portugal/Italy and the UK. Yes a good proportion of people are overweight in Portugal and Italy but the difference when you arrive in the UK is quite shocking! So she's thinking aloud.
Having said that, she must realise it's not nice to say people are ugly.
I think I'd call her out on it and say "We actually find it hurtful when you say these things."
As for the PDAs, can't you repeatedly and loudly say "Ew, get a room!!" Until the they get the message?

I don’t know -can you come up with some less flattering things about Italy. Why does she want a British boyfriend.

Dont Italian boys live with Mama til they marry?

We are fatter and not too good looking compared to Mediterraneans imv

I do think your husband is right that the comments aren't as bad with context. A bit rude still yes. The PDA wouldn't bother me at all. I am also quite affectionate and they are young and in love

"I would stop engaging in conversation with her about any of this and just ignore the comments (hard as it is). Grey rock or whatever it’s called, immediately change the subject.
If she does it again in front of your DDs, I would take her aside to say in our house we don’t make such comments."

This seems a good idea. Rude and untactful though she is, she's only with you for three weeks which will soon pass.
She may not realise how hurtful she is being - if she wanted to stay again you'd have to have a serious conversation with your son, but it's probably not worth alienating them completely.

She sounds insufferable. Sitting on your son’s knee during a family meal and feeding him … enough to put anyone off their (awful) British grub.

Whatever her thoughts on the British look, you just don’t make such sweeping generalisations, especially as a guest in your home. It’s incredibly rude… surely in any language or culture. It shows a complete lack of empathy and awareness too.

Can you not evoke the famous saying, ‘When in Rome…’

But it doesn’t mean you say it in a rude way. Would it be ok to say “Italian women? Yeah they just live in violent relationships, yak!”?

I think it looks nicer and can’t bear it all mushed together! (I’m hungry for pasta now!)

You probably need a conversation with your DS about the PDA. Explain it's making you uncomfortable in your own home.

It will be difficult to tackle her opinions without being rude yourself. Calling it out like you are doing is the best best and try to enjoy your remainding weeks with your son.

Except that's not what this is at all. Nice try though.

I don't think the comments are that bad. If you're having instant coffee, it's a world apart from real coffee, same with the pasta sauce. She's not wrong that is full of preservatives. I'm also not a fan of fizzy drinks and would serve at least since salad with a baked potato.

The PDA and lap sitting, feeding would annoy me, but I would just suck it up.

Do you think you're judging her more harshly as she's taking your son's attention when you wanted to spend time with him?

I concur. Direct, yes, and I am very much so, more so within immediate family settings, but rude is just rude, not “cultural”

OP, I just like her when I arrived to the UK many moons ago from Eastern Europe (except PDAs). Underneath all that was raging insecurity. Gradually, life knocked all arrogance out of me. My good acquaintance married a much younger woman from South America and, with a wry smile, I watched her go through the same transformation over a few years. My advice is grin and bear, she will grow up, we fat ugly Brits will level her up with chocolate digestives and lack of access to NHS dentist.

She can keep all of these opinions to herself while she's being hosted though.

I would pick her up on it every time she says something. As in ‘we don’t fat shame in this family and I’d rather you didn’t do that in front of our children’ or ‘we don’t think surface level beauty or the way people dress is important, it’s what inside that counts’ or ‘if you want to critique our food why don’t you cook for us and show us how it’s done?’ Etc etc repeat until she gets the idea. I mean Italy’s obese levels are clearly very close to ours so not sure why that’s her preoccupation. And London is know worldwide for its fashion and innovative designers 🤷‍♀️

I would take to heart her comment on drinking cola.
It is full of empty calories and a sometimes food - not for drinking every week...unless you want to pay for your dentist's new car.
I think most people would be surprised and comment if seeing Brits out drinking soft drinks with every meal, assuming it's not you, Op.

Why the need to judge and comment? Many things may surprise us about different cultures and behaviours, no need for rude behaviour.

She sounds an utter knob head.

Jokingly: "Are you calling (DS's name) fat?'; 'Are all Portguese people are so rude?'

Whether it's true or not, it's rude to say it. I know a lot of Europeans who wouldn't dream of being so rude. It's ill manners.

OP asked her opinions and observations on Britain!!

I am of Italian descent and I can say that this behaviour is not normal or acceptable. Firstly she is a guest in your home and would definitely not do PDA in her home in front of her family. And also to be so rude about your cooking size etc. I think your son has found a spoilt opinionated young woman who is using her looks to get what she wants. Please don’t worry I’m sure it won’t last. My son bought home a girl from South America, very beautiful, intelligent but a nightmare to live with. In the real world it lasted 6 months. Fast forward many years and He is now happily married with a child. It’s not worth risking your relationship with your son, for such a short visit. Good luck