Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Maybe you could have a bit of a chat with her? Tell her that you like her and you're glad your son has found someone who makes him happy, but flat out tell you find the constant negative opinions on everything really condescending.. you wouldn't go to her house and criticise what she eats and drinks or how she lives her life.. so why does she think it is acceptable to do it while she is a guest in someone's house? No need to get angry or confront her or anything, just tell her matter of factly that you aren't interested in her unsolicited opinions on things that are none of her business.

You could even teach her the good old 'if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all'.

You could give as good as you get and bite back at everything but there's no point, they are only around a limited time, and you don't want their stay to be horrible, but in the same breath you don't have to tolerate bullshit from people. If she carries on after the chat just roll your eyes and walk away from her mid-sentence.. life's too short to be forced to listen to opinionated arseholes all day.

Any opinion she has about the public at large just let it wash over you as the ramblings of someone who needs to criticise other people to make herself feel superior, it also sounds like she needs constant reassurance which is where the PDA is coming from.. she may be the dogs bollocks in the looks department, but without any empathy, kindness and compassion, and with a constant need for validation she is pretty empty on the inside bless her, try not to take what she says personally unless she is specifically talking about you, she'll be gone soon.

I’m not Italian but I agree about the jars of sauce, they're awful.
It takes only a little longer to make a good tomato sauce from scratch.
Tastes far better too. Mutti tomatoes are the best btw.

As for the pda you have to be blunt and tell them to knock it off.

This thread seems to have gone off on a very strange tangent that isn't particularly helpful to OP.

OP - Honestly regardless of absolutely anything else, you must put a stop to the comments regarding "fatness" in front of your teenage daughters. It really doesn't matter which country is "fatter" or what causes obesity. Nobody on this thread is too ignorant to realise the damage these topics can do to teenagers if not handled sensitively. Shame on your husband for prioritising a newly minted girlfriend over his own children when they're at such an impressionable age, I sincerely hope at some point soon he realises how appalling it is that he's happy to expose them to this behaviour in their own home just to avoid having to grow a spine and defend his family - because she's pretty. How vile.

I'd suggest you work on your disgusted/unimpressed facial expression and simply do not respond to her when she makes comments on food etc. You're not being precious - it'd be one thing if she was a friend - she's a guest in your home and a guest of a particular kind that should be showing you respect. Don't cook for them and don't engage with it. However, if comments are made about body image - I'd say you should seriously consider being sharp. Ask her who she thinks she's talking to and that you won't have this conversation again in your house. She knows how you feel about it all and she's carrying on anyway because she thinks you won't bite back.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation - goodness knows it's understandable why your son is a bit blinkered at the moment based on your husbands reaction to it all.

Your problem isn't with her, it's with your son. He is allowing her to come into his family home and insult not only you and your kids, but your extended family and friends. He is the issue here, he sounds pathetic tbh

Ask him if he would tolerate this behaviour from an ugly middle aged woman

This!

She needs to learn that you can think certain things but you don't have to say them. (I didn't even know you could get jarred pasta sauce with preservatives in them).

Following my previous reply - I also agree with this. You need to prioritise your teens OP, not your son who apparently doesn't feel it's necessary to stick up for his own mum!

Don't set an example to your children that it's ok to be a doormat - even if its family trying to treat you as one. Your son and his girlfriend know how you feel now, they can't claim they had no idea they were offending/upsetting you, if they won't pack it in they have no one to blame but themselves when you ask them to take it elsewhere.

Their finances or lack thereof are not your problem and might perhaps be a much needed lesson on conducting themselves with some grace and showing some respect in the future.

She sounds like an attention seeking bitch. Does she think she’s little miss perfect or something?

@JandamiHash I've never seen Europeans serve pasta with a hole in the middle for the sauce to be served in. My mum used to do that in the 1970s though 😂

Op time to put your big girl pants on and get tough. Call her out on it THERE AND THEN every time.
"We don't make rude comments about other people's bodies in this house, thank you'
' if you don't like the food you're more than welcome to cook for us all or eat out' im a stern but smily face.
She'll soon get the hint, if not at the very least she'll look like an arsehole.
You need to start modelling boundaries in front of both DS and DDs

Some cultures are just more expressive/opinionated than others.

And the elephant in the room is that, on average, UK women are heavier than their Italian counterparts and I think most people would find Italians more attractive as well.

Maybe but she's not in Italy, she needs to learn cultural norms in the UK. One of them is not insulting your host! When in Rome...😀

A lot of it does sound rude, but i guess some nationalities are more honest I guess, us Brits are quite reserved. My son’s gf is so sweet, to me anyway, I know from my ex that my son confided in him that they’d been arguing a lot at times and a lot of is to because of how her family treat her). She is a very polite girl, if I ever meet her parents I will compliment her manners as she never fails to bring a gift when she stays over and thanks me for letting her stay.

My ex was a bit uncomfortable with their PDA, so told him to tone it down! I never seen anything I considered too much.

Not much you can do really but ride it out. The bolognaise comment I can kind of understand, but still very rude of her to say it out loud. Hopefully they will split before next time they are due to visit

1. Sounds like she is very insecure so points out negative things to make herself feel better.
2. Perhaps she is here to provide an opportunity for you to build your self-esteem so that no matter what she says or does she hasn't got any power to make you feel bad.
3. Ignore the PDA stuff - it'll wear out with time.

My mum still does!

Wow she is very rude for making those comments. She is old enough to know better tbh. Also I don’t buy the cultural aspect, it’s just plain rude! You don’t stay at someone’s home to behave like that! Surely an adult knows they need to be on their best manners when they’re a guest. Also, the PDA when you’re speaking to them is unbelievably rude! Surely they can stop pda whilst you’re trying to talk to them? Unbelievable behaviour. YANBU.

Call her out on it op. Maybe she has issues herself with weight. I would just say I’ve heard you say that this a lot. I can’t say I agree. Have you seen x in this film - beautiful. Also in my house I tend to go down the be kind route instead of criticising others, particularly with teens in the house. Was your upbringing different? See how she responds. Then if it carries on I would be quicker to say something to shut it down. Your husbands point that your son is British is quite poignant.

Fair play then. If this is the case the OP needs to tell her every single time that she didn't ask for her opinion, who died and made her the arbiter of taste, etc. Given that she's dependent on someone else's generosity she should really rein it in.

My guess this is partially her showing off, but it'd drive me nuts too.

Sounds hideous. Your son will probably get fed up with her eventually so you probably just need to ride it out for a couple more weeks. If you make a big deal of it you might push him away, which I don't think you want. She's a phase, and probably quite exciting, he'll eventually likely settle down with someone more like him. Just bite your lip and leave the room where necessary.

To steal a MN staple "you have a DS problem, not a DSGirlfriend problem "
I would expect a 23 year old to see how uncomfortable she was making his family and to speak to her. Have you actually spoken to him in specifics regarding impact on your DDs, the rude comments, the PDA? What was his response? I understand not wanting to drive him away but I think you need to set some boundaries with him, not least that you are setting a precedent for how DDs act with future partners.

Having judgy German relatives I was sure you were going to say she was German!

In her slight defence I came back from a trip to Italy when I was 22 and remember calling my mum from a drizzly British high street distraught at how grey, fat and ugly everyone was! But what I also remember from Italy was only the young people being slim and gorgeous - everyone over 40 had big pasta/wine bellies (refreshingly they didn’t seem to care two hoots about it and were all very relaxed on the beaches). So it may catch up with your son’s gf in the future.

She's not confident, she's just rude and full of herself.

She's very young and a bit gobby and hasn't yet grasped that you can be right and also an arsehole.

I think as well you are maybe understandably miffed that you've not had any time with your son on his own since his return from his travels and unlikely to until he sets off again: instead you have to put up with behaviour in your own home which is objectionable.

As she is direct, you could try being the same back (assertively and without being narky) by telling her that she may very well be right in her opinion about your respective diets but culturally here in England it is considered very bad manners to make critical personal remarks about people (and no one is buying the "oh but I don't mean you of course" get out of jail free card) especially when you are a guest in their home. She can have her opinions but she needs to resist the compulsion to constantly share them with you as you don't find them quite as interesting as she does. She might be a long term presence in your son's life so tread lightly.

She sounds vile.
Can you speak to your son about it? Come from the angle of her having some good points (there must be one or two) and how it's nice to see him happy, but go on to explain how the rude comments regarding weight and appearance simply aren't acceptable in your home. She needs to be less un-kind.

I think in general we should talk less about culturla differences when chatting with people from different countries. Me and my bf are from different countries and I realised that even after years our social circles don't really know each other cause we are always "learning" about each other's countries. In the summer we met up with my friend and her Austrian bf. I learned a lot about asutria but I know nothing about bf.