Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Hey @Bluebrownies glad you spoke openly to them about how uncomfortable she made you feel. And glad she apologised so graciously. IMHO might have been better to have a quiet word with your DS rather than talking to both of them about it. He should have dealt with it himself, as he knows what’s likely to offend you. It’s rather weak and disrespectful if he didn’t. I bet if he did something to offend her parents she’d explain it to him.

On your DH’s point, IMHO there are some cultural differences in what’s considered polite. I’ve lived in a Med country, have good friends from other countries, and have travelled extensively elsewhere in the world, and IME people are usually more direct than most Brits, who are less inclined to say what they really think, sometimes to the point of passive aggressive. Personally, I prefer directness, as you know where you stand: rather than people who say ‘yes, it’s great’ (when it probably isn’t) or ‘it doesn’t matter’ (when it probably does).

It also sounds like she has informed opinions, rather than spouting rubbish. We certainly do have an obesity problem in the UK compared to other European countries. And it’s partly because the average family diet is woefully lacking in fresh ingredients and home cooking. So, TBF, she does have a point. When I go to my original hometown I’m always shocked at the number of people who are obese, compared to when I lived there.

But none of that’s really the issue. I can’t think of a single culture where it’s well-received for overseas visitors to a family home to voice negative views on the attractiveness of the locals and critique the food being cooked in the home they’re staying in. And especially the first time visiting parents. Sounds like she didn’t care what you think of her, as she views you in a condescending way.

Likewise, in most cultures it’s likely to make people (whether family members, friends or strangers) pretty uncomfortable if you incessantly have PDA while in their company, especially while they’re talking to you. All a bit teenage. And especially if they’re your parents. I wonder if they’ll do it while with her parents.

I guess another issue is, if your son stays in a relationship with her, whether she’ll want to visit again or live here with your son.

She's rude but she's right about most of what you've mentioned. Coffee is nicer in Italy, jars are full of additives, potatoes are not much of a vegetable And coke is terrible for you.

She's rude and opinionated, but she's not wrong

That is beyond irrelevant, though. Also, everything in moderation. I have to say, as well, that people on the continent drink a lot of coke zero! This girl may not, but a lot of the generalisations she was making about British people are just plain inaccurate. If she looked outside of her own bubble in Italy or anywhere else, she would see loads of fat people and loads of people with sub optimal diets. It is absurd to pretend othewise. And even if it wasn't, it is still very rude to say so outright.

She sounds very insecure to be judging other people's looks and weight.

Well now I just want details on the pizza, and the name of the place if its that good!

You have to approach this like it’s the army I think and your sergeant major, just put the fear of god into her.

Baba bear are you British ?

I’m not sure if you are being serious?

Yes

Are you actually from Italy ?

We're going to need the name of that pizza place OP.

She sounds tedious and awful!

I'm in exactly the same position with my ds same age as yours, but his gf is the opposite to yours. This one doesn't say a word unless it's to ds and trying to get her to talk is like sticking pins in my eyes. They've been together for years now and to be honest I've just given up. He sticks to her like a limpet and doesn't have many friends. It really saddens me.

I can imagine how much your ds's gf's unasked for opinions irritate you, but her confidence is probably what attracts him to her. I would argue her opinions with her if you disagree.. better than quiet resentment i think.

Whilst I didn't agree with her voicing her opinions. Fgs she just met you all and you are providing her with free accommodation. I have been the foreign gf staying at her bf's parents house in my early 20s. I would never have been so opinionated with them, and went out of my way to be polite and no bother.

Italians are very direct, but not rude. Nevertheless her apology to you speaks volumes of her character. Your DS could do a lot worse than this girl.

Why would you be sad if your son’s happy?

A lot of larger groups of friends also drift off into smaller closer groups.

Also wondering if finances didn’t stretch to them leaving their free base right now

They are still leaving, so I don't think the apology is anything to do with money.

she sounds like an absolute cunt OP

Bit harsh?? It sounds like she's really to apologise to OP

When they're her guests (I bet the OP paid for the meal) then I disagree.

Was the pizza good? Where did it come from?

Nope. You can have whatever rules you want, but if they don't work for other people, they don't have to accept them. Hence why the OP's son and gf are leaving early.

She's right - British women are ugly, have on average a high BMI, are not dolled up all the time, and are not the world's greatest cooks.

That is because we have a fairer, less gendered society that doesn't judge women on their physique and looks alone, or by their culinary expertise.

I am happy to be raising daughters that can look forward to being judged on their merits and abilities - not on their physical attributes. If that leads them to be regarded by some as ugly, then so be it.

We are not more ugly. Beauty is subjective and has changed over the centuries as well as the decades and will change again in a few years. So I disagree with the summation that we are ugly and less dolled up as well.

My rather attractive 16 yo dd went to Paris at the start of the year. She said the Parisian women and girls hardly wear any makeup. She is likely autistic and the makeup is a mask. She had to tone it right down to feel like she blended in.

She said she didn’t see any Caucasian women and girls wearing false eyelashes. The first couple of days she went out in full make up and lashes and was stared at wherever she went by boys, men and women. Then she removed the lashes and wore a little foundation and lots of mascara.

In France it isn’t impolite to stare.

Good update.
See, it just goes to show that we all have baggage!

And yes she does have some points. (But could've been related better (was rude)). I'm not keen on false eyelashes, etc, but visiting ds1 at uni, most girls were much more natural. And yes we are as a nation overweight, more sedentary, eat too much processed food compared to say our Italian or French counterparts. So there is a point.