Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Why is being insulted in her own home 'none of her business'? Also, read the updates. She called out this girl, and the girl apologied.

I remember sitting on my husbands lap in front of his parents.

She's not wrong about jar of Bolognese sauce. It's so easy to make it big pan, freezing in batches.

She isn't wrong about badly dressed at this time of year. We're all trying to keep warm.

She sounds okay to be honest. My boys and their mates have turned up with worse. I was polite to all of them just in case they ended up marrying one.😄

She's apologised, built bridges. Let it go now.

OH and my sons did bring home foreign girlfriends, Belgian, Italian, Bermudan, Costa rican, Chinese. We learnt a lot about their cultures. They did cook for us which was nice.

oh she sounds delightful, YANBU at all but I did have to laugh about the dolmio sauce when she’s Italian 😂

Apologies as I've only read about half the thread but I think I'd be trying to stop the unpleasant comments with a few stock answers.

For example, don't like the dinner? "Come on and show us how it's done then. You're cooking tomorrow."
Slags off size and shape of Brits: "it comes to us all as we get older, and it's more important to be a decent human than what we look like"
Clothes sense: "we need to dress for cold weather here, you're lucky enough not to have to"

I'm sure better people than me will come up with some close-down comments which might shut her up. All the better if her food critiquing ends up in her having to do some work!

OP, children learn consideration of others primarily from their parents.

You were absolutely correct to calmly lay down a marker for how you expect to be treated in your own home.

I think you have handled this well.

She has clearly reflected on her behaviour and has tried to mske amends, which is to her credit.

You have rightly responded with graciousness and kindness.
Hopefully you can all move forward.

It is easy to see how some parents are mistreated by their adult children, when it is a relationship at any price.

You have rightly pointed out to your son that you expect to be treated with respect, particularly in your own home.

I like to make some excuses or exceptions u know for being young etc. However I think this is her, it's just how she is. She says it as she sees it regardless of anyone else's feelings or whether it's rude.

What does ur son say or do in these situations. Especially if u pull her up and say wow that's rude. U wld think he wld be a bit embarrassed and ask her to tone it down around his family, maybe keep some opinions to herself etc. I'd have been mortified if my bf was saying things like that to my family.

Ur dh needs to stop sticking up for her, ur really not being unreasonable.

The pda I cld forgive if she was otherwise nice. I bet ur just hoping and praying they split up!

If the OP isn't keen on PDA then she is free to not indulge in PDA. But she doesn't get to control what other people do outside of her house.

The thing is. If OP’s son or daughter was staying for THREE WEEKS at the house of the parents of their newish gf/bf, who they hadn’t met before, and the mother made a dish typically associated with Britain - but it wasn’t up to scratch or they’d done the simple version of it - but clearly liked it - where’s the fucking harm?! Should the brit be insulted on behalf of our country and culture and heritage? Are you ppl serious? Should they laugh derisively at their attempt, or get angry over it and tell them how bloody shit it is and how it SHOULD be done?

What is the difference and why is it acceptable this way round?

I agree. There seem to be a lot of self hating, bootlicking Brits on this thread, who sneer at our nationality and seem to valorise anything 'European' in a really annoying, toadying way. Some Americans are like that, as well. It is absolutely ridiculous. I don't know if it is overcompensation for Brexit, or what, but it is very tedious. Especially as a lot of people who are actually Italian and Southern European have piped up and said that this girl isn't being 'Italian' she is being rude! (I get that she apologised, and that's to her credit, but let's not pretend she wasn't being a little madam in the first place)

@Flakeisanakedtwirl It means Public Displays of Affection, not personal

The Heinz ones are 100% natural. Absolutely nothing artificial added. Have a look

Just a final little update. All is well now.

Sat and chatted with her and my son most of the evening, it's been a very productive chat where she has been open about her own relationship with food and how that originates from both her childhood and attending an all girls boarding school which had an issue with "competitive under eating".
She showed me her family and her mum, siblings and grandma are all also thin as sticks so I imagine it was ingrained into her. She was also talking about how she went to university in America (on an athletics scholarship so clearly very sports focussed) and how when their she felt she had to force herself to be strict and righteous about eating as with fast food and junk food culture there she felt like she was at risk of slipping into unhealthy habits.
She admitted that she wasn't really thinking and is very sorry for causing any offence. We also discussed how some of it is cultural, some of it is from her family and personal background and some just her being thoughtless.
Learnt lots about her though, her family own a gorgeous home on the banks of Lake Maggiore, she was showing some of the pictures and it looks stunning so perhaps If they are together for a while, I can visit Italy!

They have now ordered pizza for the whole family, she claims that her Italian friends say it is the best takeaway pizza in London so we will see how good it is, but everyone is on good terms now!

Well done OP for talking it through with her, just shows what can be achieved by f to f conversation rather than just venting on Mumsnet. Wish you all the best.

So it transpired she's generous, thoughtful and able to eat humble grapes.

I hope your son is as forgiving as she was.

MN is a strange place.

A few weeks ago there was a post about a woman not being allowed the breastfeed in her mum’s home because it made her mum uncomfortable. There were SCORES of posters telling her that it’s her mum’s home, that’s that and she can make any demands for any reason - she could even tell someone to leave if she didn’t like their face because It’s Her Home.

Then you have the OP who has a very rude house guest making misogynistic comments in front of teenage girls effectively saying they’re part of a fat ugly group, and OP is overreacting, her guest isn’t rude just honest and has a right to say what she wants, sounds amazing and OP is just fat jealous and old

It makes me think posters just come on to be contrary to the OP so they can stick the boot in and make themselves feel better about their shitty lives

I can't believe so many comemnters are totally cool with an adult couple (or any couple) sitting in each other's laps feeding each other dessert in a pub/restaurant. It's weird af if they were alone. But in company?!

One commenter mentioned how Italians are touchy feely. I've been clearly to the touristy parts of Italy without proper Italians cause everyone on double date was sitting in their own seats.

My friends son has a lovely Greek partner. They've all had a couple of wonderful holidays over there with her family. Everyone hopes they'll get married 😄

I think that you're right. I'm trying to imagine what the comments would be like if the girl posted her side of the story. I'm sure that the commenters who are defending her and saying that they'd 'like to hear her side of the story' would in actual fact rip her to shreds. And they would actually be correct to, but they are being complete hypocrites and as you say, are just having a go at the OP for the sake of being contrarian and annoying.

'Forgiving'? It's good that this girl has opened up, but there was nothing to 'forgive'. If anything, it's OP who has been very kind and tolerant. She was absolutely right to show this girl some tough love and lot let her be a snidey little bitch. If she had listened to her silly husband and some commenters on here, none of this clearing of the air would have happened. As for her son, he clearly has a fair amount of growing up to do, and actually comes out of this looking worse than his gf.

So she’s not a nasty whatever or a brat or a bully.

She’s just a young female with issues from how she was raised around food added with a slight culture difference who’s willing to open up and admit when her mouth has opened too much and caused offence.

So she’s pretty and intelligent despite having a few cases of foot in mouth. A lovely normal human being. Shocking.

She’s generous and thoughtful after having her arse handed to her and no doubt after looking into how much London accommodation costs.

This is a lovely update.

Her family hardly sound poor and she’s still
leaving 😅 I doubt London prices had anything to do with it.

I think that her comments are a bit more than 'foot in mouth'. Full disclosure, I have a not dissimilar background from her, although I am older than she is (42) I was raised to take a lot of pride in my appearance, was very high achieving, sporty, and did a bit of modelling in my late teens through to my mid twenties. I would never, ever have been as rude as she was, and I came of age in the early aughts, so I never had the benefit of the body positive era. I think that some of the comments about her are still a bit fawning. Great that she wised up, but there is no need to shower her with praise either.

Her family are taking him skiing. He's doing well too