Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Could you suggest to your son that they have two weeks together in London then she goes to her parents for two weeks on her own before he joins them? So you get some time with him alone.

Otherwise it's "Do you mean to be so rude?" Or "Your English is very good but British people find anyone making personal judgements very unattractive." And the only way to curb PDA is for you and DH to be worse.

not really fantastic

It makes whoever would say that look rather silly, to say the least

Wow we have completely opposite takes, I think its universally quite rude to criticise someone’s body or face and wouldn’t allow it in my home but the PDA and her overall personality is nothing to do with OP, nor should she care about it imo.

You have to ignore it let him figure it out, which he will. They’re young and young men love that constant attention until it becomes suffocating. Don’t worry.

You need to be firmer. Especially with impressionable teen girls in the house. When she makes remarks about people being fat or ugly, "we don't comment negatively on other people's appearances in this house. I won't have that around the girls". When she comments on your food choices, "we don't police other people's eating habits in this house." Be stern and make very clear that you're not messing around. Hopefully she will get the picture.

RE the PDA, I don't think that's a biggie. They're young and in love. So what if she plays with his hair or feeds him. If it's actually veering into overtly sexual behaviour (tongues down throats, inappropriate hand placement etc) then you need to get your stern voice back on and tell them they are being inappropriate.

I think if she's your sons girlfriend, I wouldnt be bitching about her. I would call her out on fat comments especially re the effect they could have on your dds.

Does ur son love her? Is she actually wrong re number of obese people in northern Europe ? I dont know but...good to know...

Also I'd remember your son is an adult and chooses who he loves. I'd build a relationship with her.

Manners are cultural though, thats what people are saying, every culture has its own expectations of behaviour.

However I don’t think it’s acceptable to criticise your hosts appearance, skills, eating or drinking habits anywhere if you don’t know them very well. The rest of it is fine.

Really struggling as my husband is now fully defending her. I just suggested we should talk to her tomorrow about the fat/ugly comments and he got very very defensive of her saying "There are more fat people in the UK, that's just true, and no it's not healthy" he then basically went off on a rant about how he thinks it's fine for her to point that out and he agrees with her that there are too many fat people. He then said "who cares if she thinks brits are ugly, she's the one dating a brit so she can't think we are that bad".

It’s not a casual comment to keep commenting that British people are fat and ugly. it’s rude and she clearly has no manners.

I wouldn't be offended about the obesity comment. I am big myself and I do agree with what she said. We are eating ourselves into an early grave.

If she says anything you don't like pull her up on it. She will learn to tone it down eventually especially if she stays with your son.

I do agree with a pp that it's not a cultural thing it's a her thing. She has no home training.

I'm aware this is an insecure thing to say but I'd be wondering if DH is defending her because he's attracted to her. I can't wrap my head around his reasoning otherwise.

Doubt it’s a relationship that will last very long considering her vile behaviour and attitude. I would barely be able to tolerate her never mind build a relationship

That’s how you lose a relationship with your child, their partner and any future grandchildren with assumptions like that. Not a good idea. He can date whoever he likes but she should be more respectful of his family in general, building a relationship would make it easier to talk to her about what is and isn’t acceptable without falling out.

My son seems totally unbothered and almost in agreement with her though. He seems totally in love.
We did enter into an interesting conversation about British vs Mediterranean eating habits and she seemed smart enough to argue her point eloquently. Her issue is that it seems every time they get back from being out she can't seem to hide her disgust at the number of fat people and the "terrible" dress sense which made them ugly.

So basically he is happy that she is rude to you and your daughters! I would be having a full on row with him over that alone. It’s simply not acceptable that she is so rude and he accepts it

I would also be having a conversation with your son and expressing your concerns to him, she’s rude, end of discussion

I would tell 'yes we're all fat and ugly 🙄 but at least we are friendly and polite especially when staying as a guest in someone else's home'.

Hope DS will get fed up with her, all that PDA 🤮.

Reading through your original comment, I said to myself "bet she's Italian" 😂

She sounds really annoying, I'd struggle with her too. Perhaps next time she says something like that "so when are you two heading over to Italy then? You should go there sooner, get away from this horrible British good" big smile.

Hopefully after 3 weeks the spell will have faded and your son sick to his teeth of her.

I'd tell her I've had enough of her racist bs next time she makes a comment like that.

If you are having some kind of discussion on the obesity epidemic, by all means, discuss how fat the British are. But commenting on it, more than once, in passing, is just rude.

Sadly you are just going to have to keep quiet

Nothing you can do will change her and so just allow them to be as they are

Shell be gone soon and that is a real blessing!

Not worth the risk of falling out w your son

Ask her if she was dragged up rather than brought up!
Short of slapping the cheeky bitch so hard her mother feels it; mention his ex girlfriend's every time she says things about British girls, just say Oh really well DSs ex girlfriends A B & C are all exceptionally beautiful doubt he'd fine a girl in their leagues again (oops sorry don't mean you just anyone in general)

I wouldn't be able to stop myself grabbing her & marching the cheeky cow straight out my home.

Being xenophobic, misogynist, and insular isn't cultural; you get SOME people like that everywhere. I'm from a Med country (neither Italy nor Portugal) and while of course trad and "fast" British food can be unhealthful, I'd have to be pretty naïve to think that anyone benefits from hearing me say so! And if everyone she sees in London has "terrible" dress sense which [makes] them ugly then I suspect she may not be well-versed in style beyond her own narrow cultural limitations. (Which, of course, happens - she's 20.)

I don't think you're the horrible one here; no one should be made uncomfortable and insulted and belittled in their own house. If it were just adults involved, I could kind of understand your husband wanting to keep the peace and enjoy time with your son, and wanting you to do the same (although I might side eye him for asking me to put up with being a target when he has not been put in the same position.) But your daughters are stuck with the situation and that's not fair to them. Realistically, your best bet is have your son ask her to tone it down a little for the common good. If he can't do that, and his dad can't support you in asking for that, I think the girlfriend isn't the only one being a bit of a prick.

The PDA stuff is annoying and they're a little too old for it - but maybe it's their first relationship? They'll grow out of it, although probably not this trip!

She is rude and not for having opinions , I think that is a very stereotypical view of English folk but you don’t say that to their face, you keep your mouth shut and keep it to yourself ! So imo she is rude .
Im from Italian and Portuguese heritage , Mediterranean food is a million worlds apart from British cuisine and a shock to anyone coming to the U.K. for the first time but the way you describe her conversations is not culturally from either country . Yes Italians are a bit more abrupt than Portuguese but as a whole they are both hospitable culturally and would never treat their host that away !

More so as my husband seems to want to defend her, "oh she's allowed to critique your pasta, she's Italian"

^

She can't critique anything in your home

She's a guest