Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Is 'British coffee' instant coffee? I'm with the girlfriend on this if so!

I can't drink that stuff, it's awful. And coffee in italy & Portugal is excellent.

Well she did. And that went really well for her didn't it? Maybe you should actually read the thread and OP's updates. Her relationship with her son is pretty trashed thanks to advice like yours.

Yes bit of an odd opener, ask a question then get mad at the answer which to most people is fair if a little blunt. If someone asked me that I'd probably say, "unhealthy, uncouth and obsessed with manners."

I'm obviously not saying each individual brit has these qualities, im saying that's how they are perceived as a whole.

OP when was it you decided you didnt like this girl cause I'm wondering if she actually got a chance? You immediately didnt like how loud and confident she was or her dress sense, if shes been quiet, bit chunky and a shirts and jeans girl would the comments have stung so much?

OP I’ve read all your comments but not others. Honestly from everything you’ve said she doesn’t sound that bad.

From another middle aged, higher BMI Brit mother with a son and daughter to another, there is a lot of truth to what she said.

Weve been to Rome, on the whole, the people there are very attractive and slim, they just are. I spent the whole time privately saying to DH how fat and ugly Brits are in comparison, including myself! It’s just the truth.

This girl seems intelligent, beautiful, enjoys healthy eating, cultured and confident. He’s basically struck gold. Yes she also seems very annoying, but she’s not a drug addict or abusive, she’s not cheating on him.

He is an adult and a young man, you will lose him as he will choose her over you. I 💯 understand how you feel. But not having read other Mumsnetters comments, any advice you’ve got including mine are just from strangers on the internet who mean nothing to you.

This is your child and a potentially serious girlfriend. I really implore you to say you needed to get this stuff off your chest but you really want them here, tell your son that you want to all go out to dinner together. Make this right now before he jets off and silence and distance takes hold.

That’s a road to no where if your husband is defending this shite behaviour. He should be backing you up. Why do men do this!

Because he's getting to look at bouncy young tits and ass. Obv. Many men are quite gross when it comes to pretty young women.

Please stop saying she’s intelligent, if she was she wouldn’t be so cluelessly insulting to her hosts. I personally wouldn’t have a problem with the PDA, if it’s the honeymoon phase then that’s pretty normal. But the generalised misogynistic insults, if the son is actually in agreement with this nonsense then I’d be really disappointed in him. For her, it probably comes from a place of insecurity deep down. But it’s unpleasant and at odds with how women are supposed to treat each other nowadays, in fact her views are very dated. I can understand why the OP said something, even her husband was sucking up to the GF (cringey) and she felt alienated in her own home, managing the best she can as a busy parent, trying to protect her daughters from these callous remarks, probably doesn’t have the time or money to spend every night cooking every meal from scratch compared to someone who is not working or paying her way but can afford to flounce off skiing at the drop of a hat.

I never said it is polite for Italians to comment on body shape, if you read my post I was talking about comments on food and said they are more openly expressing their views. And you language is really rude towards her - polite people (any nationality) don't comment this way as well

She sounds a bit racist and sexist to be honest and she’d make me feel uncomfortable too. Sounds quite full of herself and needs a good dressing down to make her realise she ain’t all that!

Alternatively he could just have a less defensive and more balanced view of the situation than the OP. Or even, just a different view.

I honestly don't think you can assume OPs husband is perving over his son's girlfriend just because he's said she might have overreacted.

This was a really bad move, OP - confronting them together would have created argument no matter how you approach it. Your DS felt the need to stand up to you in front of his gf (remember he is 23, so still young) and she felt embarassed in front of your DS and became defensive. It is a bit late now, but you should have had a word about PDA with your DS separately and next time she comments on your food or drink or make comment about British people being fat let her know that while you appreciate her view you find it hurtful and would really appreciate if she doesn't say such things (all non-confrontational).
My DS is 23, had just come out of 2 year relationship with a girl whom I didn't like - she was not Italian but also not British and trust me there were a lot of comments from her I found strange and a lot of PDA in the beginning. I pulled her up on her comments with a smile on my face every single time until she stopped and took PDA part with my DS separately. They did break up in the end but that had nothing to do with me and we maintained a nice relationship till the end.

For goodness sake read the post properly. She did NOT cook for the son and Miss Rude

such an unnecessary overreaction to some passing comments on pasta sauce and a lacking jacket potato dinner. let alone when half were a response to questions asked of her.

let alone everyone assuming DH is perv rather than has some actual perspective on the situation. made a mountain out of a molehill and made your DS feel unwelcome and like he can't bring anyone home to meet you.

Reread, she's not even eating the food - OP says gf and the son are sorting their own meals!

She is just being nasty about what OP is having with her DH and daughters! Rude!

Wow!! He is in a right old sulk isn't he!!

Let them crack on op, you've not done anything wrong.

I think in many other cultures people willl tell each other that they're fat. Parents, grandparents, aunties etc will all tell you that you are getting fat and eating too much. In Britain we shy away from the topic and consider it to be very rude to do so. Perhaps we wouldn't be the fattest country in Europe if we took a leaf out of their book. My father, an immigrant, had no qualms telling me I was fat when I was younger, it was mean but it was true!

How is your son affording all this?

Oof sorry OP but I disagree with the majority of posters on here and think you've handled this poorly - I'm sorry.

At 23 I don't think it was a good choice to pull them to one side like naughty kids. When an adult does or says something unacceptable to us it is healthy to just say something in the moment. "I'm sure you meant no harm Sally but that comment is hurtful to me / harmful to my daughters so I'd request you not say that again to me please."

Everything she said in your pasted list (about the food / cola etc) was correct but she expressed it bluntly calling a spade a spade. I would have had exactly the same thoughts as she did about grim processed sauce and cola, but would be polite enough to keep my opinions to myself. This is where I do think there is a slight cultural difference because you have been passive aggressive in your responses rather than upfront like she is. Your British sensibility is to not quite say what you mean, "that's slightly unkind" rather than "I found that comment extremely hurtful". She won't hear that feedback because she calls a spade a spade and assumes everyone else does. She obviously needs to grow up a bit but you are a fully grown adult and supposedly wiser than her so you could have led the way here.

You've now gone nuclear and called them into a telling off, which has pissed them off and now they are leaving. I do hope you haven't ruined the relationship with your son permanently.

I would draw your attention back to your own comments about her: "this girl seems highly critical and judgemental but she says please/thank you, she brought us a gift for letting her stay, and she does seem intelligent." There are lots of positives about her and she could be a million times worse. You can't pick and choose your DC's partners. Her critical nature could be a sign of her youth and self-absorbtion and something she will mature out of, but you are capable to speaking up at the time instead of calling for a summit. You've now made them both feel uncomfortable and your son's comment was telling.

I really sincerely hope you can mend this relationship.

WTF has that got to do with anything??

But the girlfriend was not eating the meal so it made no difference what she thinks of jar sauces. To say out loud what she thought is rude.

I don't use jar sauces but would not comment to anyone that does as it makes no difference to me.

For those discussing quick fresh pasta sauce, it starts with olive oil people! Glugs of good quality extra virgin stuff. Tomatoes, garlic, basil you're done. Embellish as you wish but never skip the EV Olive oil.

It goes some way to explaining their lack of responsibility and empathy.

Also - tanned skin is a blatant sign of skin damage and possible cancer. Why do ppl refuse to accept this? It may look better but it certainly isn’t healthier.

Er, it's not cooking. It's heating up the contents of a jar!

Sound like typical self centred young adults to me. They know it all, have seen it all and spout off (eye roll but you’re having to live with it) can’t read the room and don’t have the experience or awareness to know when to shut up. DS is thinking with his dick and she was trying to impress everyone with how wonderful she is.
Let them go off and hopefully realise what a/holes they’ve been.