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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

944 replies

Bluebrownies · 10/02/2025 23:28

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

OP posts:
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JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 12:51

Bababear987 · 11/02/2025 12:38

I really cant understand some of what you've written but I'll respond with what I think you were saying.

I didnt say the OP had no fruit and veg but the demon Italian gf commented on it twice I think. Is it so wrong of her to be surprised theres no fruit with bfast and no veg with dinner? I mean that's fairly standard and if the teenagers arent used to seeing that maybe it's a good thing someones pointed it out, even if it comes across a bit rude.

You suggested that OPs husband is only disagreeing with her because he wants his dick sucked (disgusting btw.) That's a bit far fetched and I think he has a point. OP hasnt (by her own admission) liked any of her sons gfs. OP (by her own admission) has high bmi so is possibly extra sensitive to comments that are just true and fair.

I've never said OPs daughters weren't attractive (where are you reading this?) I've said that teenage girls arent blind to today's beauty standards so I dont think the Italian will have done any harm by saying British people in general arent considered attractive and have a problem with weight - this is true. It's a generalisation but it's for the most part true, we simply arent the most attractive nation, it is what it is. Like when I go on holiday to europe i always think the women from Norway through to Portugal are much healthier looking than us. Our combination of carb heavy, sedentary lifestyles mixed with long winters and lack of sunlight just isnt as attractive as people who eat healthier, exercise, drink less and spend more time outdoors.

I'm not bashing OP im disagreeing with her. Personally I'd have put up with the gf, maybe had a quiet word with son about PDAs and just given her the benefit of the dount instead of sitting them down and listing all the things the girl has done that she (alone) has an issue with. It will have come across as an attack and is unnecessary. They are young kids in love and in their early 20s will still be figuring everything out.

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Also you said

Frankly the teenage girls will be already bombarded by body images at home and school and likely are well aware that tanned, healthy women are considered more attractive, this isnt groundbreaking.

Why assume they aren’t tanned and healthy? Saying “Oh well someone else made them feel like shit first still just add to it” isn’t ok

SlightlyJaded · 11/02/2025 12:51

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 12:36

Just got a message from my Son saying they are going up to Edinburgh for a few days from tomorrow, then they will go skiing next week. I asked if this is because of what I said and he said nah we just want to do something different.

Looking forward to hearing her views on Irn Bru and deep fried Mars Bars....

TheUsualChaos · 11/02/2025 12:52

Would have predicted that's how they would react. At least they will be out of your hair now before things get a chance to escalate further.
You've said your piece, so now just keep the communication open and be oh so thrilled for them and all their adventures 😉 I suspect DS probably gets it to a certain extent but wouldn't dare take your side in front of her.

I really don't agree PDA in front of your family is normal for young adults, it's so disrespectful!

I highly doubt this relationship will last long. Just have to hope that eventually he settles for someone else who is a much nicer person!

SuperTrooper14 · 11/02/2025 12:54

BishyBarnyBee · 11/02/2025 12:50

This is actually really sad. In fairly typical Mumsnet fashion, OP has been told she is right, this behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to stand up for herself. She has been encouraged to have an assertive conversation with her son and it has not in any way changed the situation. However, it will definitely have a negative impact on her relationship with her son.

And this is why taking advice from strangers is risky. None of us are affected by OPs son feeling hurt and criticised. It doesn't matter to us if their relationship never recovers. But it does matter to OP.

I'm someone who is naturally fairly assertive and not good at keeping my feelings hidden. Over the years I've come to realise there is always a consequence to speaking up. So I try to be really clear when I need to be assertive and when I'm better keeping my feelings to myself. I don't always get it right.

In this case, the damage done to the relationship with the son is unlikely to be worth the minor relief of having expressed your views. In general, I'd say it's best to go overboard trying to accept your adult children's partners, as the risk of them choosing the partner over a parent is high. Unless there's outright coercion and abuse going on, we probably need to shut up and just hope that our children's values lead them to the right relationship for them in the long term. And in the meantime we work as hard as we can to find the good things that our children see in the person of their choice.

I do wonder how many OPs get wound up by the "tell them what's what, put them in their place" MN brigade into having a knee-jerk reaction that they deeply regret afterwards. Sadly I think this OP is going to be one of them.

saraclara · 11/02/2025 12:55

And this is why taking advice from strangers is risky. None of us are affected by OPs son feeling hurt and criticised. It doesn't matter to us if their relationship never recovers. But it does matter to OP.

That. Mumsnet is terrible for advising people to take the nuclear option, everyone safe behind their screens and without having to consider any repercussions.

The thread about the SIL who accused the OP of mocking her child with special needs, is another where confrontation had led to a family fissure. And of course now posters are telling her to LTB because his attempt to stick up for her apparently wasn't good enough

JandamiHash · 11/02/2025 12:55

SlightlyJaded · 11/02/2025 12:51

Looking forward to hearing her views on Irn Bru and deep fried Mars Bars....

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She will certainly meet her match with directness up there!

HereComesEverybody · 11/02/2025 12:57

@BishyBarnyBee I totally agree with all that you said.

downhere · 11/02/2025 12:57

I think it sounds like she has very poor manners. She would annoy me too! But I do think 'manners' are culturally derived and so I think I would have talked about it with them along the lines of, "in my house, these are my expectations, elsewhere you can do what you like." rather than saying what they/she are doing is objectively wrong.

Sunat45degrees · 11/02/2025 12:57

Also, I hate to say this, but I think you've reacted the way you have because you're defensive. It's rude to comment on overweight people, especially if you are overweight, but it means you're defensive.

Re food - sauces aren't ideal. No fruit is'nt ideal. No vegetables isn't ideal. Agan, she could be a bit more subtle in her commentary (but she's young and not English which, I think, makes this sort of opinionated comment more understandable) but she's not wrong and I think you're defensive because you know it.

penelopelondon · 11/02/2025 12:59

StressedLP1 · 11/02/2025 12:48

Have you not read the OPs update? She did exactly that and it went down about as well as a cup of cold sick.

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After reading the OP's updates I believe there's a massive cultural clash going on here, I'm with the husband. The OP needs to understand this but she's choosing to take it very personal. I once took my English boyfriend to visit my family in Italy and they were a bit worried, they kept asking "Why is he so quiet? Why does he keep to himself so much? Why does he eat so little? Why does he stay in the room all the time? Does he not like us?" My family were finding him a bit rude because of all the above so I had to explain them about English culture.

LoyalMember · 11/02/2025 12:59

You have to call her out, but why isn't your son challenging these comments himself? I'd be livid at him as well as her.

Animatic · 11/02/2025 13:00

mikulkin · 11/02/2025 10:11

I am sorry I can see your husband's point of view. Yes, she sounds rude but I do think it is a bit cultural - southern europeans are much more open in expressing their opinions and given examples you quoted I have to say all her comments are valid, though I probably wouldn't have said them just thought about them.
Don't misunderstand me I do drink diet coke and use sometimes cans but all what you listed is pretty unhealthy and Italian coffee is much better than British one (I am not from Southern Europe by the way). Italians are very proud of their pasta, my Italian friend was horrified when my son poured ketchup on pasta so seeing bolognese from can is driving them mad.
I do understand it is annoying but perhaps if I was you I would explain to her that while you understand she might have valid comments you would prefer she doesn't express them as it hurts you.
I am not English though lived here for the past 20 years and when I saw first time jacket potato without any vegetables served it horrified me. I didn't say anything though.
When it comes to PDA it is as much her fault as your son's, so you have to take it with your son rather than her. My DS had a girlfriend and they constantly kissed and hugged when visiting us - I took him aside and said it makes us uncomfortable and they should stop, he did.

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That's somewhat incorrect. Polite Italians who were brought up well won't go around commenting on body shapes of their hosts. Perhaps she was brought up by pigs at the barn

Lentilweaver · 11/02/2025 13:01

The next time I am served an Indian meal.made from Patak's jars by a friend, i will speak up loudly because hey, I am not culturally English so it's fine. I am also naturally tanned and not overweight, so it must be ok.

Bababear987 · 11/02/2025 13:01

You think having fruit at breakfast equates to food obsessed and rubbing eating disorders off on kids? You think eating fruit indicates an eating disorder?

Teenage girls are well aware that healthy toned, slim people are more conventionally attractive, that's not new or nasty to them. I personally love a pale ginger man or woman- that's my taste.

However, I'm also aware that conventionally overweight, pale, unhealthy people are not considered attractive and that's ok, these are characteristics associated with british people. It's not about them just being pale it's also that we dont get enough vit d, generally dont eat healthy enough or exercise enough, british culture is simply not the most healthy, its nothing to get all worked up about. I'm british, married to a british guy, have British kids and friends from all over, I doubt any of them would argue that British people arent the height of conventional beauty

Ceebs85 · 11/02/2025 13:02

You need to be direct with them both about it all. If she's as brash as you describe, she's not going to respect a quiet, polite, "British" conversation

MercurialButton · 11/02/2025 13:04

I remind my kids of the reasons for Politeness and good Manners- not just in England.

manners are to make other people feel comfortable. She did not learn good manners, her parents are probably very rude as well & Critical of others.

There is no way that her behavior would also be OK in Italy … for example would she say:

Girls from Naples are so ugly … while she is in a home in Naples. I doubt it.

mydogisthebest · 11/02/2025 13:07

SuperTrooper14 · 11/02/2025 12:37

This. ^

Her delivery might be blunt but bolognese sauce from a jar is rank.

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She is not having to eat it though so should keep her rude mouth shut.

graceinspace999 · 11/02/2025 13:07

Animatic · 11/02/2025 13:00

That's somewhat incorrect. Polite Italians who were brought up well won't go around commenting on body shapes of their hosts. Perhaps she was brought up by pigs at the barn

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We once had a male Italian guest (who came on a Workaway exchange) exclaim that he was shocked that we didn’t have white linen napkins! 😂
I made sure his next chore was to clean the shit out of the hen house 😂

SuperTrooper14 · 11/02/2025 13:07

Animatic · 11/02/2025 13:00

That's somewhat incorrect. Polite Italians who were brought up well won't go around commenting on body shapes of their hosts. Perhaps she was brought up by pigs at the barn

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She didn't comment on OP's body shape, or anyone else's in the house. OP said she had asked the GF what she thought of British people and the GF made a sweeping (but not inaccurate) generalisation that a lot of British people are overweight.

pimplebum · 11/02/2025 13:09

have a word with your son about the pda

next time she says anything about fat and ugly or in anyway trashing women be very firm and clear

“in the house we don’t judge other women negatively please do not say things like that especially in front of my daughters”

other than that you need to suck it up and it will soon be over.

pinkyredrose · 11/02/2025 13:09

Bluebrownies · 11/02/2025 01:54

I asked my husband to read some of the comments here and he feels like I have painted her badly. I don't think I have but he thinks I should clarify the "insults".

The critique on my food -

  1. I used a jar of pasta sauce to make Bolognese, she commented that it wasn't very nice and full of preservatives and "not really bolognese".
  2. I made Jacket potatoes and she commented 3 times "no vegetables"
  3. I had weetabix for breakfast and she said "no fruit, you should have some fruit"
Critique on drinks -
  1. Several times saying we all drink so much cola then listing how unhealthy it is
  2. She has said several times how much she doesn't like British coffee - almost everytime I drink it

The fat comment was first when I asked her what her perception of brits was and she said fat, don't dress well etc.

Then several times she's commented on how many fat people she has seen out and how so many brits are fat.

I don't think this changes anything but my husband does so I will give the extra context.

Oof. You served an Italian woman pasta sauce from a jar?😂

SuperTrooper14 · 11/02/2025 13:10

mydogisthebest · 11/02/2025 13:07

She is not having to eat it though so should keep her rude mouth shut.

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Read what OP's husband asked her to share on the thread to clarify exactly what the GF said, because he felt OP had portrayed her unfairly:

'I used a jar of pasta sauce to make Bolognese, she commented that it wasn't very nice and full of preservatives and "not really bolognese'"

Nothing rude about that, it's true!

HereComesEverybody · 11/02/2025 13:11

Also, I'd add that op asked some odd questions 'what your perception of British people?' Why ask this if you only want to hear polite, acceptable-to-you answers

There were so many other conversation starters that could have been used. That particular one invited the girlfriend to share her observations.

I might have asked 'what have you enjoyed seeing in London' - similar but not inviting any negative opinions

BreezyScroller · 11/02/2025 13:11

The double standards are hilarious.

Posters don't like when someone points out, possibly a bit rudely, that as a whole we are an unhealthy country with unhealthy food. Common "menus" in a standard family are awful let's be honest, people are happy to spend weeks without a single portion of fresh vegetable (because there's salad in the burger or a bit of tomato in their jar of pasta sauce 😂)

People need to physically research how to stick 5 portions of fruits and vegs in one day! It's astonishing.

BUT

posters also fall over themselves to point out how American are all fat, eat extra large portions, are unhealthy and so on and so forth.

But American are fair game apparently

BreezyScroller · 11/02/2025 13:12

pinkyredrose · 11/02/2025 13:09

Oof. You served an Italian woman pasta sauce from a jar?😂

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when you see some of the "recipes" some people recommend, jars sometimes are safer 😂

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