Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

I really cant understand some of what you've written but I'll respond with what I think you were saying.

I didnt say the OP had no fruit and veg but the demon Italian gf commented on it twice I think. Is it so wrong of her to be surprised theres no fruit with bfast and no veg with dinner? I mean that's fairly standard and if the teenagers arent used to seeing that maybe it's a good thing someones pointed it out, even if it comes across a bit rude.

You suggested that OPs husband is only disagreeing with her because he wants his dick sucked (disgusting btw.) That's a bit far fetched and I think he has a point. OP hasnt (by her own admission) liked any of her sons gfs. OP (by her own admission) has high bmi so is possibly extra sensitive to comments that are just true and fair.

I've never said OPs daughters weren't attractive (where are you reading this?) I've said that teenage girls arent blind to today's beauty standards so I dont think the Italian will have done any harm by saying British people in general arent considered attractive and have a problem with weight - this is true. It's a generalisation but it's for the most part true, we simply arent the most attractive nation, it is what it is. Like when I go on holiday to europe i always think the women from Norway through to Portugal are much healthier looking than us. Our combination of carb heavy, sedentary lifestyles mixed with long winters and lack of sunlight just isnt as attractive as people who eat healthier, exercise, drink less and spend more time outdoors.

I'm not bashing OP im disagreeing with her. Personally I'd have put up with the gf, maybe had a quiet word with son about PDAs and just given her the benefit of the dount instead of sitting them down and listing all the things the girl has done that she (alone) has an issue with. It will have come across as an attack and is unnecessary. They are young kids in love and in their early 20s will still be figuring everything out.

That's the response of a son who doesn't want to go any further into that discussion with you.
She feels unwelcome now, which is true you don't like her and she's not welcome, but now you'll see less of your son.

@CienAnosDeSoledad - I don't know where you are eating. I'm British with lots of European friends and they adore our food. Loads of fresh fruit and veg, excellent cheese and bread, wide varieties of herbs and spices used in imaginative ways.

And of course it is rude and untrue to say all Brits are fat and ugly. Some are, some aren't. Just like everywhere else in the world.

GF can certainly dish it out … but can’t take it in.

I'm absolutely not surprised at their change of plans.

You won't have to deal with her now op. It's all sorted 👍

I've had a few Italian friends in my life, and they have been lovely, and loving friends, never rude or judgmental, why would I choose a friend like that?
Why would your son?

This person's personality has nothing to do with her heritage, her culture, it's just her.
Judging others is a weapon and when, eventually, it turns on your DS, that will most likely put an end to the romance.

Yep.

And if you believe him, OP, you'll believe anything. You really messed up here.

If she was making passive aggressive comments to try to prove she was loved more by him she's won.

Interestingly if your DS was a DD we'd might be wondering about coercive control - as in creating a divide between the person & their family.

I think having the 'talk' was massively overstepping & now it'll be hard work to rebuild your trust with your DS.

Also: Italians eat VERY healthy, so pulling out processed foods, fish n chips will have her go bonkers

They really aren’t very healthy. Lots of fatty oily starchy foods and the portion sizes are gargantuan. I have 8 aunties and uncles, more cousins than I can count and very few are slim

Exactly i have no idea why the thread was started to suggest this. Sorry but British youngsters aren't always any better behaved. Very ignorant to suggest this is a cultural issue when clearly it's just an issue that relates to one person .

I mean alot of what she said is true. Other cultures as well as much more spade is a spade basically.

We seem to be the only place where we all hide behind this layer of fake politeness of everything is lovely and everyone of lovely while we sit mad.

But you’ve told him you dislike yet another girlfriend and now they have left.

If you don’t like comments call them out at the time. Set boundaries but basically waiting till you have a nice little list of grievances then calling a meeting was never and will never end well.

He continues to think you basically just dislike any women who gets close to him, she dislikes you now. You’ve ended up down a horrible path if this is the relationship that lasts. If it doesn’t next time maybe call things out as they are and don’t be so uptight about sharing a dessert or a young couple sitting on a lap in a pub. It was a sit not a lap dance.

this exactly. just bitter moaning and gossiping because your too afraid to open your mouth and tell someone they're being rude.

and then being miserable and rude about anyone but especially women who aren't doormats.

Excellent news

There are v. good Italian restaurants in Edinburgh. And Scottish people are much thinner. She'll love it there.

😀Yes. Bye, Felicia.

serving jacket potatoes with no salad for dinner is madness.

Italians in many parts are also expected to have wine with lunch, which is far more than I can stomach when I’m there, hardly ‘very healthy’! And very unmumsnetty.

I actually think you have made a mistake here.

The PDA, while annoying, is pretty standard for people in their early 20s and really, you should be either ignoring, rolling your eyes or making pointed comments like, "ooh, DS, didn't know you couldn't feed yourself any more, good thing Lizzie is here to do it for you."|

The rude comments ARE anoying but it does rather sound like she's no tjust sprouting random cliches. I'd have thought a few pointed comments - eg when she comments on your jarred sauce "I know, it's not the real thing. But i've only got 10 minutes and this is easy for me." or even "I know you don't mean to upset me but those comments are upsetting for me and make me feel you're judging me?" would be far better.

Personally, I WOULD apologise. I think you're at risk of being that annoying MIL. It's not that this young women isn't irritating, she is, but you've over reacted and made it worse and risk alienating your son. I'd say something like, "I'm sorry that conversation went the way it did. I've been finding it really hard hearing all the criticisims. I know you didn't mean me personally but it's hard not to take it personally when I'm just trying to prep a meal or whatever."

The reality is that peopl ein their 20s have very black and white thinking. It would be far more useful if, as you have said she IS intelligent, you could start getting her to think about other things. eg "Yes, convenience food can be a problem. But it's part of a broader societal issue which is some combination of time, skills and money. What do you thini is the solutoin to a parent who wants to make their children a meal they'll actually eat and only has 15 minutes? How can governments/communities/schools/workplaces support this?"

Let them have their sulk. If they can afford to go skiing in a whim I’m surprised they needed to stay with you in London.

Your son is going to cringe with embarrassment in the future when he thinks back to this.

I dare you to do the whole PDA thing with your DH the next time you go out with them 🤣.

Have you not read the OPs update? She did exactly that and it went down about as well as a cup of cold sick.

You should have risen above this OP. She's an idiot and rude, but now you're the monster in law. Makes me sad for you to be honest.
You could have just chalked it up for to her being an idiot and hit her back with the same idiocy.

God help you OP, if the next girlfriend will be Dutch of EE. Also tall, slim and beautiful, but far more opinionated and not afraid to say it.

Ha ha! Twice we hosted German teenagers. That was an education! One of them was furious when I did the ironing in the same room where she was watching TV. Apparently it was distracting. And yes, I was left in no doubt about what they wanted or how they felt about things. My own kids were open mouthed at times!

So yes, people saying that there's no such thing as cultural differences in this area are very wrong.

This is actually really sad. In fairly typical Mumsnet fashion, OP has been told she is right, this behaviour is unacceptable and she needs to stand up for herself. She has been encouraged to have an assertive conversation with her son and it has not in any way changed the situation. However, it will definitely have a negative impact on her relationship with her son.

And this is why taking advice from strangers is risky. None of us are affected by OPs son feeling hurt and criticised. It doesn't matter to us if their relationship never recovers. But it does matter to OP.

I'm someone who is naturally fairly assertive and not good at keeping my feelings hidden. Over the years I've come to realise there is always a consequence to speaking up. So I try to be really clear when I need to be assertive and when I'm better keeping my feelings to myself. I don't always get it right.

In this case, the damage done to the relationship with the son is unlikely to be worth the minor relief of having expressed your views. In general, I'd say it's best to go overboard trying to accept your adult children's partners, as the risk of them choosing the partner over a parent is high. Unless there's outright coercion and abuse going on, we probably need to shut up and just hope that our children's values lead them to the right relationship for them in the long term. And in the meantime we work as hard as we can to find the good things that our children see in the person of their choice.

So what if she doesn’t have fruit with breakfast. Someone people aren’t food obsessed rubbing their eating disorders off onto their kids

And of course it will hurt teenage girls to be told they’re part of a fat ugly group. It’s just nasty.

Speak for yourself about unattractive Brits. I think British people are no more or less attractive than Italians or other Europeans. I like the pale and pretty look, and British people aren’t aged with the sun like many other nations.

Tbf OP shouldve addressed issues as they came up and then dropped it. Whereas shes made a list of everything the girl has done wrong then called them in like children to tell them off which is much more like an attack on every little issue.