Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

I resent these comments why the fuck should the op walk around on egg shell's to please her entitled son and girlfriend. My partner would never dream of insulting my mum's cooking and she was a rubbish cook.

Reading these comments, am glad to come from a culture where I am not required to host partners- especially rude insensitive ones- for fear that my kids will go NC! Let them, I say.

I'm sure hes thinking his wife is quite possibly being a little extra sensitive that the gorgeous slim Italian 20yr old is pointing out her food isnt the healthiest.

I mean I'm sure he finds her attractive but highly unlikely he thinks she'll suck his dick if he tells his wife to just chill out and not take everything personally, bit ridiculous really?

The girl is rude by British standards, the wife is over reacting to this, the husband cant be arsed because his son is only home for a few weeks and thinks its not worth the effort to make her feel unwelcome over what are just honest comments. Not everything is about causing arguments and sucking dick

Frankly the teenage girls will be already bombarded by body images at home and school and likely are well aware that tanned, healthy women are considered more attractive, this isnt groundbreaking. Also maybe showing them to add fruit and veg to food isnt a bad thing either.

Agreed! Why couldn't you just chalk it up to a young love gap year fling? If you didn't like something you need to say something in the moment not sit them down like naughty school children, of course they're going to react like that backed into a corner!

If your husband always such a downer. Or is it the arrival of this sexy Italian girl that has thrown him? You made your point she’s a rude girl and now she knows that you think so you’ve done well.

Exactly. He's right. There's no argument to be had there.

I'm honestly not sure why you expected that conversation to go any differently.
In the post where you made a list of what she'd said, it actually read as just minor irritations, and definitely not worth a falling out over. The PDAs are the only bit I'd want to pick them up on, and I'd have done it in a light way at the time, rather than during an airing of grievances.

I'm coming round to the idea that your husband was right. And basically you've just ensured that your son will feel even closer to her, and pull away from you more.

Was your DH there during this 'discussion' @Bluebrownies ?

No- husband was in the shed building muscles

I think this a joke! What have the Romans ever done for us?

British humour - we may be fat and ugly but at least we can laugh

Exactly this, I think theres every chance the girls has picked up on the fact you dont like her and is over compensating or just making comments to alleviate the awkwardness, I've a friend who does this, when she gets nervous she talks and makes comments that probably come across insensitive and could be seen to make the situation worse.

She said she had a high BMI. I'm not calling her fat by the way, and that poster was just referring to how the young woman might see her, given her comments.

Do you think OP’s husband would be so where to please if it was his wife me overweight middle aged unattractive friend? I doubt it.

And why be so rude about OP’s adds and assume they aren’t attractive? And why assume OP doesn’t have fruit and veg in the house?

You just seem to be one of those posters who just wants to stick the boot into the OP and will make things up to do so

I am a vegetarian and a pretty decent and healthy cook . Sometimes when I go to stay in friend's houses they have no idea what to feed me, so they give me fake meat or extremely bog standard salads. I don't like their coffee either.

Are posters really suggesting that I should advise my friends on how to add okra, squash and beetroot to their meals? Rude. The role of a guest is to shut up or cook themselves.

any. eating food without any vegetables served is very unhealthy. If nothing comes to mind serve a big bowl of salad. Many cultures around the world have this approach. As I said, I wouldn't say anything to the host but even after living here for 20 years I wouldn't consider beans on toast as any type of food too, snack at best and not very tasty one for me but each to their own and I respect that.

Ehm, she’s right on everything but she shouldn’t say it out loud

I'm from a mediterranean country too so I "get her", we're pretty brazen, outspoken, not ver polite (unlike Brits politeness is just not important to us), very touchy feely and have a big mouth when it comes to opinions. We're also touching others most of the time (hence the reason the pandemic was so devastating to us). Being like this has always created problems for me in the UK because the culture is completely opposite from Southern Europe. I'm aware of this and try to tone down my "Italianess" but it doesn't always work.

I don't know what to say OP but your husband is right: it's a cultural clash. Keep an open mind and don't walk on eggshells around her, be straight forward, don't be afraid, just tell her what you think, just like she's doing!. I know this means 'conflict' and English people are absolutely terrified of conflict but we're not, we fully embrace it as part of life and we're totally fine with it. She won't take it personal, believe me. If you keep quiet and continue walking on eggshells she'll eat you alive and you'll hate her even more. So pull out your "inner Italian",confront and tell her that Italians are too loud, English women are beautiful and shut her up.

Also: Italians eat VERY healthy, so pulling out processed foods, fish n chips will have her go bonkers. Make salads and pasta, all cooked with olive oil. Lock the mayo, maritime and ketchup in a cabinet.

Good luck.

Signed: an another Italian.

Hmmm....I've read your update and I don't think I would have made such a big thing of it. Sitting her down for a formal talk and listing all the things she's done wrong is very confrontational and awkward. No wonder she was defensive, who wouldn't be if someone listed all your character flaws in one conversation?
I mean she's obviously noticed British people are generally fatter than in Italy and Portugal and feels OK to mention it because these things are talked about openly in other countries.
I wouldn't have confronted her the way you did OP. Instead I would have picked her up on individual comments. If she said "British people are so ugly!" then at that moment, I'd say "That's quite a rude comment". If she commented on my food I'd just airily say "Well, that's what we like to eat". If they were snogging in front of you, I'd say "Get a room, we don't need to see that". By responding to things as they happen it's less of a big deal and people gradually get the message. I feel like you might have caused damage to your relationships with them.

I’ve never ordered a baked potato in a cafe that hasn’t come with a salad (and it is a regular go-to for me because I don’t eat bread so sandwiches are no good). So this can’t be something you see regularly surely?

And Italian cuisine is full of dishes that are very carb heavy with minimal veg content - pasta, risotto, pizza etc. I realise Italians don’t eat these things all the time but neither do brits eat baked potatoes all the time.

I suspect that the modern rise of UPFs and takeaways etc are far more to blame for obesity problems than the traditional ‘meat and two veg’ style British cuisine (although in any case, Britain is so multicultural now that I don’t think you can define British food that way anymore)

I'm not sure what you're going to do now OP, I think your son is going to think his girlfriend isn't welcome in your home, and you're going to have an atmosphere for the remaining time left of the stay, if they stay for the remaining time.
Unless she was moving in with you for the long haul I really think you should have let this go.
Yes you stuck up for yourself, but you have damaged your relationship with your son over something that would have been over very soon. Was it worth it?

When I was late teen / young adult i had a serious relationship with a guy & we were absolutely in love.

My family loved him & accepted him wholeheartedly.

His family were far less welcoming to me & were critical, they definitely looked down on me & my background. The irony is i was very bright & had gotten a place the top tier university. Their son had not gotten into university & was studying in a private fee paying 3rd level.

None of this made any difference to us dt the time but his parents, his father in particular, was always trying to 'take me down a peg or two'. I don't think i was rude, I was quite reserved around them but he'd ask me my opinion on things (topical / political etc) and if my opinion differed from his it was seen as me being cheeky or too confident or too big for my boots

I always knew they judged me & I hated it. The relationship lasted a few years but I never grew any more comfortable with them. They were so hard to gel with & took offence at the smallest of things

I haven't thought about them in years but this thread reminded me...

Brits are fat, not good looking (being polite) and the food is shit.

Naomi Harris
Keira Knightley
Cara Delevigne
Orlando Bloom
Liz Hurley
Lewis Hamilton
Idris Elba
Kate Moss
Naomi Campbell
Julia Davis
Cat Deeley… and hundreds if not thousands of others who aren’t famous or well-known. Classic examples of fat, unattractive Brits. Jesus.

I’ve visited several countries in Eastern Europe and while the food I had was certainly edible and some I enjoyed, it certainly wasn’t anything to write home about and gave some of my friends indigestion every time we ate out. It was stodgy, salty and cooked with lard. I remember a school trip where none of the students ate at meal times based at the hostel bc it looked and was disgusting and the ppl working in the kitchen were clearly extremely offended. Even the packed lunches were gross to most ppl - and no it wasn’t that they were used to eating pre-packaged crap and McDonald’s, it’s bc it was mainly grey and sludge green and was at times difficult to ascertain meat from vegetables - but everyone knows British food is THE WORST SLOP in Europe if not the world 🙄

Well, she may be attractive, intelligent … but she’s not gracious, not emotionally intelligent or kind. She does not know how to get along with people or fit-in. Immature.

What I would expect, from any GF BF staying at my house — is for them to pitch in as part of the family. I generally assign tasks if people are in my kitchen and house and are “idle.”

She is well beyond the guest phase.

What I do know about some Italian people, young ones is that their Momma does it all around the house while they just sit there. We have one in our family, when they come to our holiday home they are “on vacation” and do not lift a finger. While everyone else helps prepare meals, tidy up, do errands … the young adult Italian just sits back and relaxes and is a bit demanding (and overdressed in a costume-y way for a casual holiday at a private home. Like an advert “I’m on holiday”!!). The Italian must have meals at a certain time, must have pasta followed by a meat dish. Clothing & hair impeccable. I’ll be honest we don’t invite them any more.

Part of our family experience is getting everyone involved in meal prep, and tidy up. We don’t have staff and also think impt for kids to learn these skills. Being a bad houseguest is unforgivable … I don’t want my kids to be bad houseguests.

Hovering around and giving commentary is rude.

Too bad they are upset, I can imagine she is saying very bad things about you to your son. It will be interesting how he handles this. Pawing him in the pub and sitting on his lap is not European … it’s a territorial girl behavior.

Just got a message from my Son saying they are going up to Edinburgh for a few days from tomorrow, then they will go skiing next week. I asked if this is because of what I said and he said nah we just want to do something different.

He probably fancies her silly man

This. ^

Her delivery might be blunt but bolognese sauce from a jar is rank.

Absolutely! Also I can’t cope with the mental gymnastics of “She’s just being honest!” Whilst OP is being told to STFU about her own honesty.

I have the stance that just because people have children they can’t demand respect from them. I would never sit in silence as my kids abused my hospitality

At the end of the day there more than welcome to pay thousands for accounts ion in London but suspect they won’t. OP doesn’t have to go anywhere. It’s far more in their interest to change their ways than it is for the OP to be a walkover