Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

This isn't an Italian thing, it's a her thing.

(Although Italians would privately think any pasta cooked by an English person not up to scratch. But they would certainly be polite enough not to say that in front of a boyfriend's mother!)

Oh and only once did I make the mistake of cooking a meal for my Italian flatmates. I made a Tuscan bean and sausage stew (thanks Delia); spinach and ricotto cannelloni and tiramisu. They said not a single word until the end when one of them just put her fork down and said ' Foreigners really should not try and cook Italian food'.

TBH if she is so mouthy, I'd get her to cook you all a meal.

She wasn’t cooing Italian for an Italian. The OP has explained that she was cooking for other family members and the gf just happened to see the jar.

Seems a bit strange that the son and gf aren’t joining in with any family meals though. Surely that’s pretty rude just in itself, like they are just using the OPs house as a hotel and the gf has no interest in actually getting to know her bf’s family.

OP has she ever eaten any food prepared by you ?

How come they're cooking their own food ?

Is she refusing to eat what you've made or are they trying to stay out of your way ?

Refusing to eat the food cooked by the mother / parents of the house would be the HEIGHT of disrespect in an Italian household.

She's very rude, if she's refusing to eat your food.

I think the rude Italian has found MN.

Go cook your host a meal you ungrateful twerp

I think the idea of telling your son ‘stop fucking kissing’ far worse than any actual kissing. Using foul language to address your adult son? Just goes to show we’re all different and have different triggers.

Definitely agree on the pasta front but most Italian would politely offer to do the cooking whilst secretly wincing at the Dolmio

OMG! Slagging off Delia!

No, it's not cultural. She's just being rude. Your DS should be wincing and embarrassed at those sort of comments and having words with her.

Hate to say it but it sounds like she is being allowed to get away with it with the men in your family because she is an attractive, young European woman. Literally game, set and match as far as men are concerned. She can do no wrong as long as she's beautiful. It's pathetic.

I sure as hell wouldn't be cooking any meals for them after all those comments!

Re the PDA I suggest you and your husband start doing the same and see how she and DS feel about it.

I would pull her aside and gush at how delighted you are to have her with your son and in your home, but that this this is also your younger children's home and in British culture, which is where and how you are raising your children, fattist and lookist comments and PDA are not appropriate. The rest ie. her personality you'll have to put up or risk not seeing very much if your son.

Be nice, but direct and very specific with exact examples prepared if asked as this is how most Europeans communicate. If she is a well brought Portuguese or Italian she should respect this and you as the matriarch of your family.

It's the same in Germany. People say what they think. They're well known for that.
I remember my daughter visiting UK and coming back and saying how shocked she was that she thought nobody said what they treally thought. She said you never know where you stand with them.
I think there's a middle ground of being truthful and but also polite and respecful. .

I think if she commented on weight and food again in the way you describe, I'd say: You are rude. It is unpleasant. British people are more tactful. You have been warned. Keep your negative opinions to yourself. Say it in a very calm tone of voice. If your son or she reacts to this, ask why they think it is okay for her to be judgemental and offensive but not for you to react naturally as anyone would, to such criticisms. She can't have it both ways. Learn some manners, or be told off.

But also... A wise friend told me: don't get too involved with their partners in their early twenties. They may not hang around. I loathed DS1's first partner - genuine signs of psychopathy there. They split up and now he is with someone who I genuinely like. DS2's girlfriend is hard work. She is lazy and self absorbed and tactless. But... I think I was at her age. i remember how I behaved, staying with boyfriend's parents at that age and I cringe. So I try to make allowances for her. They are both very young and they do seem happy together.

The OP clearly states she had NOT cooked a meal for her son and his girlfriend.

Ideally something green to balance the carbs and fat from the filling or butter in the jacket potato.

Otherwise, it's a stodgy meal that would ordinarily need laborious tasks/jobs to offset its heaviness. "Heaviness" being the cultural provenance of much of White British cuisine, yet the evolution of said cuisine hasn't occurred in alignment with the fact that the general harder labour/ less meat daily society does not exist for most in the UK anymore.

And in our sedentary culture in which stomach and digestive system cancers are occurring before middle age and at higher rates post Gen X in the first world Anglosphere.......it is wise to regard root veg as carbs and not a part of the "five a day" (very minimum) amount of fruit and veg one should ingest .

A jacket potato without a side of veg just makes a plate look naked.

All this to say that Miss Madam is still rude and should mind the business that pays her, especially as her opinions are unsolicited.

Well the OP is not cooking for the rude guest is she

Morning all. Haven't managed to catch up on every comment but had a chat with my son and his girlfriend. I'll be honest it didn't go as I expected it to.
I said we don't appreciate the comments on weight and looks she got quite defensive saying that she isn't commenting on any of us but just generally and more so on the number of young, overweight people and how it makes her sad for them. I just reiterated that she is welcome to her opinions but I don't want to hear them in our home.
Same with the food she got quite defensive saying she wasn't insulting me just giving her opinion. My son here did just tell me to apologise and move on.
The PDA, well both of them got defensive. My son feels I'm being unfair as they aren't making out. He thinks its a non-issue for her to sit on his knee in a pub where there are kids running around and its clearly not formal and not of our business if she feeds him some dessert off her plate while sitting on her lap, as it was a pub, they were the only ones at the table eating and not a formal setting. He also said that he likes that she plays with his hair/hands and it doesn't hurt anyone so they won't be stopping.
She went to get some food and my son said "do you want us to just go, you obviously don't like her and you never like anyone I bring home".
Now they have gone out and my son is in a massive sulk with me!

Also for the person who mentioned houses and does she feel poor etc. - absolutely not her family have two homes, one lake side in I want to say Lake Maggiore and one down in Tuscany, I imagine they are fine financially our 4 bed in SE London isn't phasing her!

"...you obviously don't like her and you never like anyone I bring home"
Well, he's confirmed what you posted previously; that his girlfriends aren't up to your standards

Unless your son is an absolute wet blanket of a human I’d expect them to cope with a swear word at the age of 23

Well done for speaking up OP. Disappointing that neither are petrified at offending you it at least they know now. Hopefully the sulk will last and you get some peace!

Now I hope your DH is gonna back you on this

Can you not just grin and bear it there only here for 3 weeks ,He’s young and in love

Well done for speaking up.

I think I'd probably cook spaghetti every night from now on, and look her in the eye as I snapped it in half.

From what you've said about your husband's reaction and your son's relationship history, it sounds they both put beauty/status over being a decent human. Are they as unpleasant as they sound, @Bluebrownies ?

My inlaws are foreign and also find the British very confusing and say they don't know where they stand with them. For example, if they make me a meal I'll automotically say "Oh it's delicious thank you." But they actually want me to be honest. They want me to give feedback like "I think it needs more salt". They feel they can't get close to me because they never really know what I think. I always just say everything is nice thank you!
I didn't like the fact they spoke their minds before but now I'm used to it I appreciate their honesty.

This was so clearly going to be how she responds.

She'll just chalk you up as being over sensitive/ horrible fat British woman who doesn't know how to cook. Which you are not !!

I'm not sure how you can sort this with your son.

I wouldn't have said it like this at all, I would have just played her at her own game and put down her heritage via generalisations.

At least you don't need to hear it anymore though.

Whatever you do, don't apologise or back down.

Just explain that it's not good for your younger child to hear such things and you're trying to not let those types of discussions into your house..

Same for the PDA, tell your son you think it's inappropriate, whether he likes it or not. You don't like it, can they take it down a notch.