Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

I was ranting in jest. They did give us Sergio Leone and Monica Bellucci.

Tread carefully OP.
I’d be interested to hear the girlfriends side - you say you haven’t liked any of his girlfriends, my MIL would have told similar stories to you… DH and I have been married 30 years now, be careful you are not driving them to move permanently to the lovely Mediterranean climate, food and beautiful people!

I wouldn't like her either OP. Overbearing and too full on for me.

There was a very similar thread recently where the son wasn’t going to have any contact while travelling with a girl he met while on another trip.

It's also rude to serve horrible food to guests.

My first thought was also to wonder whether the GF is Italian. However the Italian way is to be direct rather than rude and on the whole Italians are good at reading the room. She doesn’t seem to be.

TTTT my culinary tastes align more with hers but wild dogs would have a go at me before I told my hosts that, let alone criticised their own dietary preferences. TBF you did ask what she thought of Brits, but I agree her response was overly negative and, given what you’ve said about yourself and also the presence of your DDs, uncalled for. It also sounds like she has compounded this by refusing to let up. Awful.

However there are many threads on MumsNet revealing a belief in the superiority of The British Way of Life - America (leaving out The Orange One) and France especially get a lot if grief - so I think in all fairness we are criticising the GF’s rudeness rather than her beliefs.

The PDA is not just down to the GF and it is more universal than OP and PPs may realise. Still, there are degrees.

Spot on 🤣🤣

Honestly, I'm with your husband. It's cultural.

She sounds like a completely normal Italian young woman. The things she is saying and doing would not raise an eyebrow in Italy, or in much of continental Europe to be honest.

Yes, they can be a bit full on, but they're really lovely when you get to know them. Be a bit open minded to overlook these little habits and you'll be pleasantly surprised.

She is being very rude - I would answer back

I wouldn't be bothered about the PDA or how she dresses however her rudeness is on another level and racist.

Tell her to be mindful of a time when she can't rely on her looks - when she has to find something interesting to say for people to want to engage with her.

Yes, to be fair probably not a good idea op! 😬

But why not ask her to cook an authentic Italian pasta dish for you all while she is staying with you? And you are completely within your rights to clearly say that it's considered rude to comment on people's appearance here.

As for your dh - if he's so keen to comment on unhealthy food then he can do the cooking for the rest of her stay...in fact, they could share the cooking between them!

In fairness, the OP acknowledges that she’s clever and that they’ve had interesting conversations.

I was to say that she is still young but i wouldnt give an excuse for such terms like ugly or fat, you should have told her right on the her face to stop using such words, shes very inconsiderate and immature.
Sounds like a control freak, shes the tyoe of girls who think they are gems or something.
I kniw you love your son, but she shouldn't even have the audacity to comment about your meals you are in charge of your house and old enough to know whats best for you, you should have put her in her place.
Tell off once and she will zip her mouth.
I love my sons so much and i wouldnt want to see them around such personalities.
Have a word with your son about some boundaries esp the PDA.
I remember the first time i visited my in-laws my husband made sure i dressed up well.
He explained to me about his parents personalities and what their ideal woman/lady should be.
And if she thinks Brits are ugly why is she even with the son of a Brit, why dudnt she find one of her kind.
Mark my words, they wont go far with their relationship, i wish your son well and i hope he find someone better, preferably a Brit.

Good luck.

I am Kurdish and come from a diverse family, we have an Italian sister in law and two English - we do not tolerate racism and would see the generalisation as that. However we are very accepting of different behaviours and sense of style whether it's revealing or not.

The comments are a bit too much though, I don't blame the OP

She sounds really irritating from what you’ve described but for three weeks I’d just smile and nod. The fact that you haven’t liked any of his girlfriends could suggest it’s a bit of a ‘you’ problem too though - tread carefully, you catch more bees with honey than vinegar.

This ^

I mean she's not wrong about British coffee when compared to Italian coffee (or what we call hot chocolate definitely no where near the Italian version!) But New Zealanders or Australians would say the same about our coffee!

I'm British btw! You were very brave using a jar of pasta sauce infront of an Italian!

The comments about people's weight and dress sense etc just nip in the bud with a factual we don't comment on people's appearances in this house please respect that in a firm but polite voice.
As for the PDA on that front speak to your son and say whilst it's lovely they are affectionate around each other please reign it in...... if he doesn't then simply start snogging your husband infront of him and he will get the picture pretty quickly!

Behaviour is communication etc. Ok she's not a toddler but it can be common to slip into behaving like children when around parents / in-laws. (I know I do, although I swear it's in reaction to how my (lovely) in-laws treat me...!)

My guess is she really likes your son and feels slightly insecure about the fact they're from very different places. Maybe where you live seems more exciting and cosmopolitan compared to her own rural home. She's subconsciously trashing your son's home country, because if their relationship progresses at some point they may have to choose where they settle. Perhaps she can't imagine going on to have a family away from her own family and roots.

I remember staying with a lovely French family as a teenager. The mum cooked nice food, but prior to me they had a Spanish girl staying who criticised the food and they were quite put out by her rudeness. This girl sounds simular. Hopefully your ds will realise and ditch her. If not, just tell her she's being rude.

What she's saying isn't cultural, it's plain old rude. If I'd slagged off the French family's food and told them French people were fat and ugly, no one would have been thinking it was fine to say in continental Europe. People are deluded about what is "cultural." My late husband was also a different nationality, and again saying those things to his family wouldn't have been at all acceptable. Some people will justify any old crap because they have poor social skills themselves.

IF her attitudes and behaviour are cultural, then when your son spends time with her family in a few weeks, he will either be exposed to lots of the same from other people (and will have to decide if he's okay with that) or he'll realise that no, actually it's just her ( and ditto).

Do you mean instant coffee, because that's definitely not nice

I am sorry I can see your husband's point of view. Yes, she sounds rude but I do think it is a bit cultural - southern europeans are much more open in expressing their opinions and given examples you quoted I have to say all her comments are valid, though I probably wouldn't have said them just thought about them.
Don't misunderstand me I do drink diet coke and use sometimes cans but all what you listed is pretty unhealthy and Italian coffee is much better than British one (I am not from Southern Europe by the way). Italians are very proud of their pasta, my Italian friend was horrified when my son poured ketchup on pasta so seeing bolognese from can is driving them mad.
I do understand it is annoying but perhaps if I was you I would explain to her that while you understand she might have valid comments you would prefer she doesn't express them as it hurts you.
I am not English though lived here for the past 20 years and when I saw first time jacket potato without any vegetables served it horrified me. I didn't say anything though.
When it comes to PDA it is as much her fault as your son's, so you have to take it with your son rather than her. My DS had a girlfriend and they constantly kissed and hugged when visiting us - I took him aside and said it makes us uncomfortable and they should stop, he did.

do you take every comment as personally?

That's a lot of anger towards something that wasn't adressed to you, that you haven't heard directly, from someone you don't know and will likely never meet in your life 😂

I don't even like British "tea", the fact we have to hide it with milk and usually sugar says it all, Tetley, Yorkshire Tea, PG.. they are all as bad as each other. Why is it so hard to find decent tea in this country?

Imagine if I was a foreigner, some posters on here would faint 😂

She's not wrong about coffee, and the food in general here

OP ignore anyone writing that in continental Europe it's considered fine to tell your host that their nationality is fat and ugly and their food is crap. It really isn't.