Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

She’s not wrong about Brits though is she! Clearly, I’m in the minority here but see nothing wrong with her-if anything she sounds interesting company. And PDA? I’d be delighted my son had found someone affectionate and loving-we’re big touches and huggers in our family so wouldn’t bother me. Tbh, can you not just let your son get on with his own relationships and provided she makes him happy, be happy for him?

Gosh - who are the 18% of pps who think this young woman's behaviour is OK?

She sounds like a rude, conceited, sexist, xenophobic, narcissistic nightmare. (Or should I say what I really think???😂)

I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.

Ask her, with a big disarming smile on your face, why she feels she needs to give her opinion on it if she's not eating it.

Hear, hear!
Don't judge yet another GF, or at least give the son a set of parameters that are acceptable in a GF!
I read on MN last year that parents are supposed to be the welcoming committee, not the interview panel.

Singers - Eros Ramazotti and Dalida (probably I'm old, but still), movies - surprised you heard nothing about Frederico Fellini and his movies, it's classic!

So...is 'not being wrong' an excuse to be rude and hurtful? Shall I tell my overweight friend that she's fat and ugly?

How would you feel if a British woman told a foreign person that their co-patriots were fat and ugly?

I'm sorry - I think this woman is displaying awful behaviour and if you reversed it, so that some other nationality was the target of generalised abuse, I don't think you'd approve.

But she isn’t living in the young beautiful Italian woman’s home, rent free.

She’s happy enough to take the hospitality.

if she wants organic, healthy meals with young beautiful people, why doesn’t she take herself off to pay for a central London hotel?

She is being rude in someone else’s home.

OP hasn’t said a thing to her.

Messed up that quote! Duh.

I was replying to this:

MrsJoanDanvers · Today 09:16
She’s not wrong about Brits though is she! Clearly, I’m in the minority here but see nothing wrong with her-if anything she sounds interesting company. And PDA? I’d be delighted my son had found someone affectionate and loving-we’re big touches and huggers in our family so wouldn’t bother me. Tbh, can you not just let your son get on with his own relationships and provided she makes him happy, be happy for him?

On the whole YANBU but the bit about not getting your son on his own is. When your children are this age you very rarely do get a lot of time with them.

I’m really sorry to say that I agree with this. Yes she does sound awful but as they are leaving soon I’d just ignore her comments as much as possible. She seems to enjoy the attention of you arguing back.

What do your younger children say to you about her ? Id want to check that they are not taking on board her negative comments.

95% of people reading your reply will read those 3 names and say...who?

Scraping the bottle of the wine barrel. Yet you could easily list off 30+ British singers, movies and novels the average Italian will have heard of.

Ghastly woman...

She does not seem to have basic manners or respect for the fact that you are kindly welcoming her in your own home.

I would have a quiet chat with your son and tell him that you respect his choice of girlfriend but that unfortunately her rude behaviour means you will not welcome her again in your house again as you don't think she is a good example for your teenager daughters.

Hopefully that will get him thinking at some point and hopefully the relationship won't last...

Oh, I thought you were joking about Italy having contributed nothing to world culture. Are you actually serious?

I would leave it. She sounds like a beautiful, confident, intelligent young woman with controversial views that she's still forming of the world (and will no doubt mellow as she gets older and acquires more life experience). There's also the added factor of being from another country/culture - unless you've moved to another country and lived with another family at that age, you will have no idea how shocking it is to discover how differently other people live. Visiting a country for a holiday is not the same - it's the differences you can only notice by actually living with a host from that country's culture. It's bewildering and stressful and her comments are her way of processing those differences.

At 19, I was a young au pair in Paris who said similarly stupid things to my host mum and made ridiculous comparisons between France and the UK. She was undeniably gracious with me and always said "well you're not in the UK now are you" as her stock response. No criticism or judgment. I'm sure her approach is what allowed us to become genuine best friends during my time there (we're still great friends now).

Over the years, as I've experienced life, I've called her up to apologise for cringe things I remember saying to her. For example when I went back to work full time after my first maternity leave, I called her to apologise profusely for the time I told her that if I had my own business I wouldn't employ women of child-bearing age as they are just a cost to businesses. I had been raised by a SAHM and had grown up perceiving the inequality my mum experienced at home - and my philosophy was to completely reject the notion and value of motherhood - my plan was to be a man for all intents and purposes (have a great career, not have children, and treat other women who chose differently how men would treat them). Obviously stupid, obviously cringe. But genuinely thought I was clever at the time. My au pair mum just laughed when I apologised and said she knew I would change my mind.

Your son's girlfriend is not trying to be rude - you've said yourself that she is otherwise polite and thoughtful. Just shut down the "ugly" and "fat" comments and engage her in conversations about her culture/ have a stock response to the comparisons. If you treat her with kindness and recognise that she's just very young, you might actually develop a mutual trust and friendship.

In Europe they have been heard of! Just wonder who do you mean these 95% are? Brits or Europeans? PS: they also have lots of famous actresses, but you probably heard nothing about them as well:)))

I would vomit on the table if my teenage son was kissing and touching his GF all the time in front of me! Just bite your tongue this time around and plan to tell them politely that they can’t stay next time. 23 is quite old to be dossing at your house for 3 weeks at a time. People like this make me laugh (they think they know it all and they’re sooooo cool and worldly wise with their travelling lifestyle but then when it comes down to it they need their parents as soon as they need a base!) At what age does this stop and they acknowledge they need enough money to be independent? I would be tempted to be a little harsher with her if she commented on my cooking, “Feel free to leave.” Might do it.

Honestly, I am as surprise as you are! :)))

I cringe when I remember staying with an American family in my early 20s and telling them about the Spitting Image sketch where the president’s brain is missing and then going on to say Brits think Americans are stupid. They were very gracious and challenged me but not in a how rude are you way-which obviously I was! She’s not the devil incarnate-and as I said before, can you not just be happy your son has found someone he’s really into?

They'll be people with no social skills themselves who never get invited back to places due to their rudeness and xenophobia.

Give her a bit of time, she may be being a bit "over-performative" at the moment to demonstrate to your ds that she is better than local competition..

It also sounds like she's in the early-20s stage of knowing better than anyone else and feeling the need to educate everyone on this. When my niece hit her early 20s she was constantly criticising her parents' food choices. It takes a level of maturity to keep those thoughts to yourself!

As someone who lived abroad a lot I think a lot of this is down to cultural differences but also maybe she does have a point. Jar sauce with pasta isn't the wisest thing to serve to an italian and it isn't very healthy to have jacket potatoes without any vegetables. Also how good is her english? Sometimes things can sound more critical when you don't have the finesse of the language. Being confident shouldn't be something to criticise. It sounds like she is educated and knows her own mind. The criticisms of people being fat and ugly, are however, totally out of order. Maybe you should have a word with your son and ask her not to talk like this in front of your daughters. Also wouldn't do any harm to ask him to keep the PDAs to the bedroom.

Is he going to tell your daughters they deserve to be insulted when they grow up and aren't as attractive as she is in her opinion? Or after children they struggle with their weight?

Make sure to support their boyfriends when they are rude about him. If you don't get rid of him before that.

She sounds awful. I think the best course of action though is to suck it up for 3 weeks and hope they split up in the long run. He's only 23 so I think the odds are in your favour.

Your 'D'H sounds like a nob as well, not having your back.

Kick them all out apart from your daughters!!

Well, I imagine he is quite beguiled by the stunning Italian 20-something woman in ‘revealing’ clothes that’s currently residing in his house..

Match her in her directness. “Do you realise you’re being very rude to me?” or “Please let me help educate you. It is very rude for guests to criticise the clothes, food and weight of their hosts. It will serve you well to remember that.”

It is partially cultural, but it is also youthful arrogance.