Struggling with son's girlfriends personality

[Bluebrownies]

Hi all, so my son is 23, in August he set off to go travelling, he met a girl on the trip and they are now dating. He came home last Monday, just for 3 weeks, then they are going to her parents for 3 weeks before setting off around Europe. We live in London so they are staying with us which is great as we missed him a lot, plus they are keeping themselves busy with museums/theatre etc.
She lives abroad and a lot more rural so that will be a nice change of pace for them when they stop with her family.
The issue is I'm really struggling with his girlfriend's personality, she is respectful but I find her quite "a lot". She is very confident, I thought it might be a front as she was nervous but I'm now thinking she is just naturally very self-assured. Obviously there is nothing wrong with confidence but I've also found her to be very judgemental, she has said multiple times that brits are all so fat (as someone with a higher BMI I feel like this is targeted) and she has said several times British girls are ugly, in front of my impressionable teen girls (13 and 16). She usually follows with "not you guys but generally". I also feel like she is just overly opinionated in general, be it the food I cook, what I'm drinking etc. she has something to say about everything.
We also seem to be having a massive PDA issue, I know this is my son too but he has never been like this before, I feel like they are always touching in some way, she constantly plays with his hair or his hands, they kiss all the time, be it pecks or longer kisses it seems to be every 5 minutes, we went out to the pub for rugby on Saturday and despite their being plenty of seats she insisted on sitting on his lap, even feeding him food off her plate like he was a toddler. It all just makes me little uncomfortable, nothing against hand holding, odd kiss here and there but it's relentless, even when I'm trying to talk to them.
There are other things I dislike but I know aren't really any of my business (her dress sense is very revealing for one).

I'm finding it quite draining as obviously she is always with my son and I don't enjoy her presence so I almost avoid them both. I was so looking forward to having him home but now I'm looking forward to them going). My husband thinks it's just cultural and I will learn to love her but AIBU to feel like this because of these things?

Does she cook Italian food for all of you?

Just curious.

YANBU!!

You think that what’s happening here rather than she’s just rude AF?

These barbed comments about ‘Brit’s’ amuse me as we are such a multi cultural, diverse bunch that you really can’t generalise. What I think is happening here is the OP feels it’s a weight-related criticism about herself which is why it’s being taken so personally.

This young woman sounds as though life hasn’t really touched her yet. She’s beautiful and educated and at the moment everything is attainable and to be savoured and enjoyed - including your son lol. Just try and get a bit more Teflon about it and hope they break up down the line 🤣

I knew she was Italian when you posted. I think it’s quite normal for Italians to think British food is disgusting and not healthy and most Brits are too fat. As an Italian living in the UK I hear that all the time. Not sure what to suggest here, maybe don’t take it so personal. It’s just stereotypes she is repeating like a parot and doesn’t realise it’s offensive.

I think the comments you’ve made so far have not been firm enough, you’ve gone for the light hearted jokey response, e.g., “good thing you’re not eating it” etc.

Next time be firmer. Say, “I understand that you have opinions and you’re young and confident in those opinions, however whilst you’re a guest in my house please keep the personal comments about how we live our lives to yourself. I’m sure there are many things I could say about how you live your life but I keep them to myself because you are my guest and my son’s girlfriend. I’d appreciate the same courtesy.”

Tbf I think a lot of people would agree with this (too much cola, sauce from a jar etc) but just not say it especially as house guests.

That's why I asked if she was cooking Italian food for the host family?

This. I think it has tinged the remaining interactions. When really it was in response to question asked about initial observations.

I wasn’t commenting on your post.
I read Op’s first post and immediately thought she was Italian, as I often come across Italians having strong views on UK food and dress sense.

I mean from that I'd mostly agree with her tbh.

But if she wasn't eating the sauce/drinking the coffee/cola then why does it matter to her?

In summary,
she is clever, polite (brought a gift/says thank you etc), likes healthy food, your son likes her and she has strong views which she expresses. Honestly I don’t think she sounds terrible.
Maybe the PDA is not your thing, mention it to your son. But for the rest, seems to me you take it very personal because you know she has some valid points on healthy food and obesity.

She sounds very health conscious, like she's made having abs her entire personality.. I know you say she's intelligent, fine. But she's not intelligent enough to read the room.

She probably doesn't even think about YOU guys when she's saying this stuff. She's just generalising. If anyone pulls her up on it, she'll just think you're really sensitive and got offended, when she was just talking about things ' in general '. I know this type of person and I'm sorry to say that yes, some of this is cultural. Some of it, not all of it. I'm saying this as a European of similar heritage who has lived in the UK a lot of my life.

I think she'd be really surprised that you're feeling offended. I think she'd have literally zero idea that this bothers you at all. She probably thinks she's coming off really well, with all her opinions and chat about politics 😂

I would just ask her if it's normal in Italy to comment on what people eat all the time ( in their own home when you're a guest ? )... play it back to her. I'm really intrigued about your culture - is it the normal thing for people in Italy to talk about XYZ ? In the UK that's considered bad manners. In the UK we don't comment on people's weight / what they eat or drink.

Do it exactly how she does it to you. Talk ' in general ' like she's talking to you. That way, you'll actually understand each other in the end. That way, you're not confronting her- but you're making her think. Honestly, try it !

If you confront her and tell her she's offensive, she'll just think that you're easily offended. She won't get it.

I bet he fancy her.

Southern European girls are often very touchy-feely with their boyfriends and this is a cultural difference rather than lack of consideration. Southern European parents would not be fazed by this. On the contrary, a girlfriend who was not touchy-feely would bother the boy's parents.

However, making generalised rude comments about the host population (Brits are fat and ugly) is very, very bad manners and you are well within your rights to tell your son to tell his girlfriend that she is not to do this.

Her comments are rude. She is staying in your home and she shouldn't be insulting her hosts.

I assumed she was a teen, but perhaps she is early 20s.

If they really are only there for a short time, I think I would try and let her snippy comments go. Other than the fat brit women ones with a couple of teen girls in the house.

If she hasn't cooked for your family at all while she has been there, she is deeply out of order criticising your food. I would perhaps be throwing a few pitying looks her way if she came up with more delightful comments. Thinking in my head "yes I'm sure my Dolmio sauce isn't authentic but it's tasty enough and I didn't have to spend the whole day stuck in the kitchen chopping and frying vegetables" even if I didn't say it out loud.

Model generous and gracious hospitality towards her and bask in your own sense of being in the right!

I’ve got pasta for my lunch, I’m addicted to this Harissa chicken & spinach pasta I make, I have it daily for work lunch with a bit of salad. All mixed together of course! For years when I started cooking I served it like my mum, then realised I prefer it all mixed together.

That just makes her sound worse now! Those comments aren't cultural, they are plain rude,
She's entitled to think whatever she wants but she doesn't need to say it all our loud.

Also I have no idea why your husband is defending her when you are upset by her rude nasty comments.
I'm guessing it's because he wants to keep the peace at all cost, but he needs to start being supportive of you.

She sounds annoying. But it is only 3 weeks so I wouldn't risk an argument. Likely she will learn some manners over time when others call her out on it, or their relationship won't last for one reason or another.

Worse case if she is a bit rude and too much pda they aren't the worst qualities from your son's point of view. If she is kind and good to him that is the main thing.

I expect your husband is trying to keep the peace by defending her rather than actually thinks it is fine.

Your son's girlfriend is of course completely right about Brits being fat and the food in your home being unhealthy. But it's rude to say so directly!

You gave an Italian spaghetti bolognese made with sauce from a jar?! Wow you are brave hahaha

You have full right to stop her when she opens her mouth re "fat/ugly" and tell that you are absolutely banning this sort of language in your house. Then I would have had a chat with my son and asked how does he feel when god-knows-who is making these comments essentially and potentially about his mother, sisters, etc. If he doesn't get it himself, you have to spoon-feed the wider picture.

Well, yeah, she's outspoken, but all these statements are true.

But you have to take in cultural differences. The British notion of manners is unique. For example, if I give my foreign in-laws a gift they don't like they'll just tell me they don't it. A British person would probably say "oh I love it, thank you".
I think many Europeans don't believe it's rude to comment on fatness - at least not to the extent we think think it's rude. I'm pretty sure they know it's rude to call an entire nation ugly though!

I think some of this is cultural difference.

Why don’t you have her show you how to make Bolognese and you can show her how to make a speciality you like?

You don’t have to like her, but you never know, she could end up as your daughter in law, and they could move to Italy.