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AIBU?

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Original poster

Scared to report what I think is grooming

149 replies

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:30

I've name changed for this.
My good friend has a 13 year old daughter , who has a man in her life who I'm sure is starting to groom her. He's an ex colleague of dh, and once started a grievance against DH which was dismissed eventually.
Friend thinks this man is nice and I'm guessing she thinks the grievance was 50/50 which it absolutely was not. I'm sure the man has turned her against dh a bit. I feel terrible as I'm scared to report him for fear of him doing something legal against dh/me again but I know I have to.

OP posts:
Sprookjesbos · 09/02/2025 20:33

In what context does he see the 13yo?

AlertCat · 09/02/2025 20:34

What makes you think grooming is happening?

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:36

Sprookjesbos · 09/02/2025 20:33

In what context does he see the 13yo?

Twice weekly lessons for a hobby/sport

OP posts:
BCBird · 09/02/2025 20:37

Any doubt report. Someone will make tge decision,. It doesnt have to be you.

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:38

AlertCat · 09/02/2025 20:34

What makes you think grooming is happening?

Increased need for her to be with him one on one,
She's on his social media a lot. (For his company/business)
He's bought her 2 personal presents.
Her mum and dad seem very enamoured by him

OP posts:
BCBird · 09/02/2025 20:38

Just seen update. What makes yiu think it isn't genuine.

arcticpandas · 09/02/2025 20:38

Are you sure this has nothing to do with your DH? I mean are you objective? You have to say why you think he's grooming her. Giving lessons is not grooming so what has he done and how do you know ? Or is it just a gut feeling?

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:38

BCBird · 09/02/2025 20:37

Any doubt report. Someone will make tge decision,. It doesnt have to be you.

Yes but I'm worried he will know it is me /dh

OP posts:
Sprookjesbos · 09/02/2025 20:38

From what you've said, definitely report. As pp have said, it needs to be investigated.

BCBird · 09/02/2025 20:39

Just seen personal presents. Are they related to the hobby?

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:40

arcticpandas · 09/02/2025 20:38

Are you sure this has nothing to do with your DH? I mean are you objective? You have to say why you think he's grooming her. Giving lessons is not grooming so what has he done and how do you know ? Or is it just a gut feeling?

I am safeguarding trained at a fairly high level.
Definitely not to do with DH.
The guy is an ex colleague as he was difficult and did a few grievances . He was offered the opportunity to leave rather than being let go

OP posts:
BCBird · 09/02/2025 20:40

Was wondering if u r in education and more savvy about such things than parents? Report

BCBird · 09/02/2025 20:41

Can you think of a way to do this anonymously?

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:41

BCBird · 09/02/2025 20:39

Just seen personal presents. Are they related to the hobby?

Sort of but sentimental too
Imagine a necklace with a mini tennis racket on and their initials (not exactly this but I've transposed the sport )

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 09/02/2025 20:42

Wrong thread!

MyDadLovedBlondieToo · 09/02/2025 20:42

Are the lessons via a club? Is he a qualified coach? If so, you could report to the club welfare officer or to the sport’s governing body. 1 on 1 coaching is very closely controlled these days and a governing body safeguarding team would investigate any reports, especially if he is buying her presents.

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:44

MyDadLovedBlondieToo · 09/02/2025 20:42

Are the lessons via a club? Is he a qualified coach? If so, you could report to the club welfare officer or to the sport’s governing body. 1 on 1 coaching is very closely controlled these days and a governing body safeguarding team would investigate any reports, especially if he is buying her presents.

Edited

It's his own personal company. He's freelance (or whatever term is used for sport/hobbies)

OP posts:
TiramisuThief · 09/02/2025 20:45

I would report OP.

I know you are worried about repercussions, but sounds like you are seeing things others are not trained to look for.

Somebody in a position of trust like this man is as a coach would know exactly how to behave, what to do. His actions are not in line with good practice. He must know this.

It might not be sinister but he does need telling.

Hoppinggreen · 09/02/2025 20:45

Depending on your job it may be that you don't actually have a choice about reporting or not.
I am sure you are correct, it is grooming BUT at this stage its going to be hard to prove and the parents may not want to believe it.
Even so you must report, you should have a good idea who to

Igotjelly · 09/02/2025 20:47

Please report this, as someone who was groomed in virtually the same way at the same age I would give anything for an adult to have noticed and reported it. Instead it’s taken years of therapy to undo some of the damage that CSA leads to.

AlertCat · 09/02/2025 20:47

Try calling NSPCC for advice? Or the social services team at your county council?

MyDadLovedBlondieToo · 09/02/2025 20:48

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:44

It's his own personal company. He's freelance (or whatever term is used for sport/hobbies)

Show quote history

Is he qualified as a coach to be offering these sessions? I don’t know how much things vary from sport to sport, but if he is officially qualified and recognised as a coach by the sport’s governing body eg the LTA if it were tennis in the UK then I would report to their safeguarding team to investigate.

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:49

I do have to report. I am just very scared. It will be clear where it has come from even if the safeguarding keep anonymity, they will be able to work it out.

OP posts:
Igotjelly · 09/02/2025 20:50

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:49

I do have to report. I am just very scared. It will be clear where it has come from even if the safeguarding keep anonymity, they will be able to work it out.

In the nicest possible way a child at risk should be the first priority.

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:50

MyDadLovedBlondieToo · 09/02/2025 20:48

Is he qualified as a coach to be offering these sessions? I don’t know how much things vary from sport to sport, but if he is officially qualified and recognised as a coach by the sport’s governing body eg the LTA if it were tennis in the UK then I would report to their safeguarding team to investigate.

Show quote history

It doesn't have a governing body. There are no routes available to me this way. I know how and where to report, I'm just scared

OP posts:
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