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Original poster

Scared to report what I think is grooming

149 replies

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:30

I've name changed for this.
My good friend has a 13 year old daughter , who has a man in her life who I'm sure is starting to groom her. He's an ex colleague of dh, and once started a grievance against DH which was dismissed eventually.
Friend thinks this man is nice and I'm guessing she thinks the grievance was 50/50 which it absolutely was not. I'm sure the man has turned her against dh a bit. I feel terrible as I'm scared to report him for fear of him doing something legal against dh/me again but I know I have to.

OP posts:
AgathaMystery · 09/02/2025 20:51

OP - as the parent of a 13yo girl who has decent/high level 1-2-1 sports coaching I am begging you to please try to report this.

I would want anyone doing this to my DD to be reported. Honestly I would. I’d be appalled and outraged and furious - with myself for not noticing the grooming.

Being part of a community and part of society means doing the hard things. This is a hard thing. I think you are brave enough and I certainly think you have the integrity.

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:52

Igotjelly · 09/02/2025 20:50

In the nicest possible way a child at risk should be the first priority.

Show quote history

It is. I will be reporting . As a pp said, me and dh are in a career where we are duty bound to report. I'm just frightened of him

OP posts:
Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:53

AgathaMystery · 09/02/2025 20:51

OP - as the parent of a 13yo girl who has decent/high level 1-2-1 sports coaching I am begging you to please try to report this.

I would want anyone doing this to my DD to be reported. Honestly I would. I’d be appalled and outraged and furious - with myself for not noticing the grooming.

Being part of a community and part of society means doing the hard things. This is a hard thing. I think you are brave enough and I certainly think you have the integrity.

I definitely will be reporting. There is no question of this.
I know that my friend will not believe it, and he will convince her that I am harassing him

OP posts:
MyDadLovedBlondieToo · 09/02/2025 20:59

I’m sorry you’re in this situation due to the low-life bastard. Wishing strength to you OP, while your friend may distance herself, her DD and potentially other girls in future will benefit from you reporting him.

KvotheTheBloodless · 09/02/2025 21:03

If you suspect something is wrong, you are almost certainly correct (safeguarding training 101).

Original poster
Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 21:05

It's just really awful as people like him can muddy the waters for years with different legal things or grievances at work etc
He's so complimentary about the girl, and has them convinced that he is the way she is going to succeed in her field, that they all think anyone else is jealous/not supporting her dreams

OP posts:
justasking111 · 09/02/2025 21:12

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:53

I definitely will be reporting. There is no question of this.
I know that my friend will not believe it, and he will convince her that I am harassing him

Show quote history

Deny, deny, deny. You don't have a child doing this activity so it's a stretch to believe it's you..

UrsulasHerbBag · 09/02/2025 21:13

Groomers groom families too. What is the worst he can do to you or your DH? Protect your social media and phones. Any contact or attacks from him or the child’s family record, date time, witnesses etc. if you think there is a chance they could come to your home, ring door bell on record. Be prepared to lose your friends. You are doing the right thing.

UrsulasHerbBag · 09/02/2025 21:14

Also agree… deny deny deny.

Swirlingceilings · 09/02/2025 21:17

Definitely report but in my experience it won’t meet threshold and they will do nothing. I really hope not but that was our experience when raising the alarm as someone had our hackles up. We got our kids out but were sadly proved right and have no faith in the system of reporting to SS etc. now because nobody seemed to care unless there was a clear accusation of SA having happened, as opposed to an accusation of grooming.

Cerialkiller · 09/02/2025 21:25

Swirlingceilings · 09/02/2025 21:17

Definitely report but in my experience it won’t meet threshold and they will do nothing. I really hope not but that was our experience when raising the alarm as someone had our hackles up. We got our kids out but were sadly proved right and have no faith in the system of reporting to SS etc. now because nobody seemed to care unless there was a clear accusation of SA having happened, as opposed to an accusation of grooming.

Even if this happens in this case, a report, even if unsuccessful could be a supportive document for future reports and means that authorities may look closer. One report can be malicious, two or three is getting suspicious. It also might make him back off with his behavious (i doubt this but it might with this particular child).

Swirlingceilings · 09/02/2025 21:26

Cerialkiller · 09/02/2025 21:25

Even if this happens in this case, a report, even if unsuccessful could be a supportive document for future reports and means that authorities may look closer. One report can be malicious, two or three is getting suspicious. It also might make him back off with his behavious (i doubt this but it might with this particular child).

Show quote history

True and that’s why I would report in the hope it would achieve something.

Lillibelula · 09/02/2025 21:27

Cerialkiller · 09/02/2025 21:25

Even if this happens in this case, a report, even if unsuccessful could be a supportive document for future reports and means that authorities may look closer. One report can be malicious, two or three is getting suspicious. It also might make him back off with his behavious (i doubt this but it might with this particular child).

Show quote history

Definitely agree with this. Someone else might have also noticed how creepy he is and yours could be a piece in the jigsaw. So important to have this information.

He sounds yuck.

oakleaffy · 09/02/2025 21:30

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:41

Sort of but sentimental too
Imagine a necklace with a mini tennis racket on and their initials (not exactly this but I've transposed the sport )

Show quote history

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Jewellery with THEIR initials?? NOPE.

That's seriously inappropriate.

Zanatdy · 09/02/2025 21:30

Well done OP, for taking the decision to report this. As hard as it is, you must do this.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/02/2025 21:33

Cerialkiller · 09/02/2025 21:25

Even if this happens in this case, a report, even if unsuccessful could be a supportive document for future reports and means that authorities may look closer. One report can be malicious, two or three is getting suspicious. It also might make him back off with his behavious (i doubt this but it might with this particular child).

Show quote history

I agree with this.
I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation, OP.
I'm glad you're going to report the man.

tarheelbaby · 09/02/2025 21:33

Definitely report. Add your piece to the puzzle.

Can you encourage/persuade your friend to be present or send a rep (GParent? Auntie) to training sessions? Can you befriend/support the DD? Offer to give her a lift to/from training so you can chat and she has a chance to off-load?

Do you know someone who could chat to your friend about him without mentioning you?

Do you know this book: When I was Invisible by Dorothy Koomson.

LatteLady · 09/02/2025 21:33

If the activity does not have a recognised governing body, report it to the Designated Safeguarding Lead at school and let them investigate. Keep it factual, if it comes via the school, it is less likely that it will look like you have reported it. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this but I am glad that you are going the right thing.

KilkennyCats · 09/02/2025 21:34

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:49

I do have to report. I am just very scared. It will be clear where it has come from even if the safeguarding keep anonymity, they will be able to work it out.

Why will it be clear it’s you? Surely they interact with other people?

Shetlands · 09/02/2025 21:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

custardpyjamas · 09/02/2025 21:40

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:30

I've name changed for this.
My good friend has a 13 year old daughter , who has a man in her life who I'm sure is starting to groom her. He's an ex colleague of dh, and once started a grievance against DH which was dismissed eventually.
Friend thinks this man is nice and I'm guessing she thinks the grievance was 50/50 which it absolutely was not. I'm sure the man has turned her against dh a bit. I feel terrible as I'm scared to report him for fear of him doing something legal against dh/me again but I know I have to.

Have you told the friend? That is surely the first thing to do. See what they say and then do what is necessary. If you are truly afraid tell the police.

PanicPanicc · 09/02/2025 21:43

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:38

Increased need for her to be with him one on one,
She's on his social media a lot. (For his company/business)
He's bought her 2 personal presents.
Her mum and dad seem very enamoured by him

Show quote history

It was before social media but this is exactly how it happened to me. You might be on to something.

And even if you’re wrong, he needs to back off. There’s no reason to be giving personal presents as a coach.

PonyPatter44 · 09/02/2025 21:45

What's the worst he could do to you? If his behaviour is entirely innocent (it isnt), then he's got nothing to worry about. If he's dodgy, it's good that he learns that someone is onto him. You are trained in safeguarding, you know you've got to report suspicion.

Why are you scared of him?

niadainud · 09/02/2025 21:45

Certainly sounds fishy to me. The jewellery is particularly creepy. And of course he could have done additional things you're unaware of.

Did your friend or her daughter tell you what was going on, or did you discover it in some other way?

LBFseBrom · 09/02/2025 21:48

Zookeeperoneday · 09/02/2025 20:38

Yes but I'm worried he will know it is me /dh

Show quote history

He won't know that, Zoo.

You do need to try to be objective about this which is not easy considering you know the man. Is there anyone completely neutral, who doesn't know the guy, with whom you can talk it through confidentially? That could help.

If after careful consideration you still have the same misgivings, you must do something. It will be completely secure, nobody will know except you and if nothing is amiss, all will be well. You will have done your bit. There are organisations which specialise in this sort of thing.

In the meantime, don't talk about him with your friends - the ones who have the daughter - or anyone who knows him, just carry on as normal.