Scared to report what I think is grooming

[Zookeeperoneday]

I've name changed for this.
My good friend has a 13 year old daughter , who has a man in her life who I'm sure is starting to groom her. He's an ex colleague of dh, and once started a grievance against DH which was dismissed eventually.
Friend thinks this man is nice and I'm guessing she thinks the grievance was 50/50 which it absolutely was not. I'm sure the man has turned her against dh a bit. I feel terrible as I'm scared to report him for fear of him doing something legal against dh/me again but I know I have to.

I don't know who you can report him to if he is e.g. a singing coach. But I think if you are genuinely and objectively concerned, you have a duty (as we all would have) to keep this child safe.

I can only assume the child's parents are being told she is the next star and they are not seeing through the cloud of smoke he's blowing up their behinds.

Can you think through logically & carefully step-by-step what might happen when you report?

What actions might he take against you or DH? What actions would he have the power or agency to take against you or DH? What actions might stick ? (This last might be the thing).

Reporting is anonymous. He might surmise it's you, but think about - brainstorm with your DH - what he could actually DO.

Because you may find that your fears are natural & emotional, but not rationally based in what could actually happen. It's worth thinking about carefully & rationally.

I had a boyfriend whose choir master was abusing some of the boys. He said that the guilt and shame never leaves you.

You have said you are scared of him but will report as you know the child comes first.
If you think about it logically, even if he thought it was you who reported if he has amy sense would he do anything to you?
Is he intelligent enough to work out that going after people he thinks have reported him will do him no favours at all?

Who can do a Clare's Law. Is it only parents?

Speak to the LADO. I doubt it will meet threshold as a PP noted unless there is a pattern occurring but there could well be concerns especially if he has been unprofessional over the years.

i agree to keep it factual as your report is likely to be discussed openly and shared if this progresses. it’s never an easy position to be in. Good luck.

Teacher and DSL here, there is absolutely nothing you have said that raises any safeguarding concerns to this point.

He spends time with his partners 13 year old, so what, that's a good thing.
She is on his companies social media, so what!
His partners parents like him, that's good too.
He has purchased some gifts for the child, again, so what.

The only issue is he raised a grievance against your DH, this all sounds like sour grapes and you are wanting validation to upset his life.

I'm guessing that she already has, and that's how they'll know it's her when it's reported.

jewellery with THEIR (his and thechild's) initials on?
OP have a handhold and a sending of courage. You know you have to do this.

I think you've misread the situation. The man isn't the girl's mother's partner.

Ah, OK, I read the first post as he was your friends partner, if that's not the case, then clearly its rather odd and I will do a 180 on my point.

Yes, report, apologies for misreading

This isn’t the girls mother’s partner. He is a paid coach.

Thanks for the clarification, I read the OP as it being the friends partner instead of just a sports coach un-affiliated to the girls mum.

The initials. Are they hers and his? If so, it's definitely grooming. How does the child speak about him? If it's very adoring then it's grooming. Would he buy such a present for a male child he was coaching.

We have to remember that when we see abuse, it doesn't look like the scenario we imagine. Abusers are charming or they would never get near a child. They are plausible and have a reason for everything and an answer to whatever you ask. They groom parents so they have access to the child.

I think you know what's happening and naturally you're scared of repercussions.

When I was in the position I asked myself what would I say if the child asked me when they were older whether I knew anything or did anything to stop it. I wanted to be able to tell that child I did absolutely everything in my power to protect them.

There will be an investigation and they'll seize his electronics. It's likely he'll have CSA images and then he'll be arrested.

When you report let them know of your fears.

It's the right thing to do and we are here to support you.

Exactly this! Weird as hell.

File the report and then deny deny deny. They may suspect it’s you but if they can’t prove it just deny it. If he’s the type to file false grievances he will have more than just your DH that he’s had run ins with.

I assumed the Op meant the girl’s own initials, not his, which is it OP ? The girl’s, or the girl’s plus his ?

I’ve worked in child protection for many years.

what is more important to you, protecting a child or ensuring there is no comeback for you? I know what my answer would be.

reporting is anonymous, you don’t even have to give your name. In terms of him thinking it’s you, he’s more likely to think it’s the school. If you are genuinely too concerned to take these steps tell the school. They will have to report it.

The gifts sound dodgy. Is there a sports body you could talk to?

Either way, jewellery is in my opinion a highly personal gift and not appropriate to a coach or tutor situation at all.

If it were a gift of some small item of equipment for the sport / hobby then that is fine in moderation, but not jewellery.

As long as your report is anonymous, he's not going to have much proof to take legal action. Even if he does, no court is going to see you taking action to safeguard a 13 year old girl as a bad thing.

From what you've said, it sounds like he's groomed the parents as well as the child. You might be the only chance this girl has.

You might lose your friendship, which would be a shame, but be sure of yourself OP, you're doing the right thing for the right reasons.

I'm of the view that if you think it's, it's normally true... spider senses and all that.
But why will they know it's you? There must be other people who see them at the hobby etc?

Sounds potentially dodgy:
Groomers often woo and utterly fool entire families.
Highly inappropriate gifts
Increasing one to one contacts.

When you report your concerns to Childrens Services or the Safeguarding lead at school, they will be able to access intelligence from safeguarding colleagues, thereby finding out if there have be any previous concerns about this man, and appropriate action will be taken.

Just deny deny deny that it was you, if anything is said.

Assuming the girl has friends / goes to school/ talks to people then there could be any number of people who could report the situation. Often in safeguarding it's several small things adding up that make the bigger picture so you must report this. Tbh you could even speak to the DSL at her school.

Also... I think that if you are truly decent and against abuse of any sort, you accept that in order to try to identify it there has to be certain things looked into. Some will turn out to be innocent, some won't.
I remember my baby having a lump on his thigh and actually finding it reassuring that at a and e there were questions asked such as was he already known to social services etc.
I also remember reading in a paper about a father going mad because a hotel had raised questions about he and his teenage daughter sharing a room alone.
These questions need to be asked.
We can't have it all ways. If there are red flags they need to be looked into innocent or not for the greater good.
The fact you are frightened of his reaction may be an added red flag. .He is in a position of trust with this child.
Report without guilt or fear. Think what you could possibly be preventing.
If nothing else this grown man may be encouraged to find other things to do than act creepy around kids and raise perfectly reasonable alarms.

He's so complimentary about the girl, and has them convinced that he is the way she is going to succeed

Just to play a bit of Devil's Advocate - Is there anything to suggest this isn't the case? Being difficult at work doesn't mean he's not the world's best tennis coach/whatever.

Nothing you've said screams grooming in and of itself. It's perfectly normal for a kid to have increased 1-2-1 coaching/teaching if they're excelling in something to the point that they're going to take it beyond a hobby. And it's perfectly normal for a coach/tutor/whatever to blow smoke up a parent's arse about how talented their kid is, either because it's true, or he wants to keep his fees rolling in.

So I guess it boils down to what else is setting off alarm bells? Is it just you and your partner's history with him?

To be clear I'm not saying that you're wrong or shouldn't report, but presumably something else that's happened here for you to go from simply not liking the guy to thinking he's grooming your friend's daughter.

You also say he's turned your friend against your DH...how? It seems odd that as her tutor/coach he would be having discussions with the parents about fall-outs at work with their friends. How does that even come up? Do other people know about your history with the guy? Have you raised the grooming concerns with any other friends?

I guess the worry is that if there is something going on, but you have no other evidence, it might not be taken seriously/dismissed as you having a grudge to bear, which would be awful.

As for legal repercussions - it depends. If there's nothing untoward happening and this report forms part of a pattern of behavior against him, it could be considered harassment. If you're going around telling people he's grooming someone and he loses work as a result, he could bring a defamation case against you for slander/libel, depending on how you're communicating it.

If you genuinely believe he is grooming a child though, none of that should matter. He can't sue you for anything you say while making a report to the police, and besides, that should be your main concern.