Scared to report what I think is grooming

[Zookeeperoneday]

I've name changed for this.
My good friend has a 13 year old daughter , who has a man in her life who I'm sure is starting to groom her. He's an ex colleague of dh, and once started a grievance against DH which was dismissed eventually.
Friend thinks this man is nice and I'm guessing she thinks the grievance was 50/50 which it absolutely was not. I'm sure the man has turned her against dh a bit. I feel terrible as I'm scared to report him for fear of him doing something legal against dh/me again but I know I have to.

Yea, report it. I'd rather report something based on a gut feeling and be wrong 100 times than not report something and it's the one time something is wrong.

Agree that the jewelry thing is potentially bit weird. If he's only been coaching/teaching her a short time, and/or it's expensive, then more so.

But if he's been coaching her for years/it's a bit of tat, maybe not? Probably a bit of context needed. Were the parents aware/happy? Was it to celebrate an achievement?

Is it normal for a male coach to buy jewellery for a female child though?
I would be thinking WTF if my dd came home with a present of jewellery from an adult male.

Personalised jewellery at that

What happens if you report anonymously to nspcc? Is that effective at getting it investigated?

Can you approach from a Sarah's Law perspective?

Depends I guess. If he's a singing coach and it's a bit of tat with some music charms, and he's ok'd it with the parents first, maybe not?

If he's given her a Tiffany necklace without getting permission, then yeah, massive red flag.

Would also depend on how close they are. I had a sport's coach for nearly 15 years when I was younger, they ended up closer than some family. This person is clearly close with the family to be discussing issues with OPs partner. But if he's only been coaching her for a few months, then again, red flag.

But possibly why they want to become the “don’t mess with me” type so they can hide in plain sight?
Do you mean the necklace had his and her initials or just the girl’s? Either is inappropriate but one is definitely more creepy.

I thought exactly the same thing, but is it her initials or hers and the man's? Even if just hers, he shouldn't be buying her engravable jewellery. That you can engrave it means it's not just costume jewellery.

How far can she go in this sport if there's no governing body? Why would he train her twice a week if there are no proper sporting events? Most coaches who take on a young person closely like this are in it for the potential glory. If it's not a "proper" sport, all the more reason to be suspicious.

Singing coach - Roya; College of Music?

There are a few 'big' sports without proper governing bodies (assuming OP is in the UK). Also OP didn't confirm it was a sport (think she just used tennis charms as an example), so could be singing, acting or something?

Then you need further training ASAP!

It's okay to be scared @Zookeeperoneday . I know you're clear on your responsibility to act, but from previous dealings, you obviously have a clear sense of threat and danger around this person. Is there anything you can do to increase your sense of safety and protection? How's your home security? Is there anything that will make you feel safer? Although the obvious route to report is via the LADO, you could make an anonymous report via school safeguarding or NSPCC instead. I would also happily lie to my friend's face in this situation - for example saying 'I know how it looks, but I absolutely did not report as I discussed my concerns with you and you are happy with the situation. It must have been someone else'. Your friend has also been groomed by this manipulator, obviously. It's okay to protect yourself. In your shoes, I might also consider telling a trusted manager or person with senior responsibility that you have had to raise a safeguarding concern and are fearful of repercussions. I'm so glad you are looking out for this child.

Is there anyone you could ask to report him for you if you give them the details? So if he asks you can say with conviction you and DH didn’t report him.

How do you know about the jewellery and have you actually seen it? Is it possible that the parents are exaggerating their daughters talent and special relationship with the coach? Loads of people do this eg, "Polly is so special that she's been invited to dance in London" actually means "we've
enrolled her in a holiday workshop with dozens of kids at the same level".

Are you serious? It has red flags all over it...

This is exactly it. (Not with singing)

Can you report via the nspcc - I know that they can keep things more anonymous. Or is it that you think any report will be assumed is from you, which I think denial is your only option.

Whose initials were on the necklace and how did you know about it?

I will be reporting this morning

@OP When you’re thinking about making a safeguarding referral, it's super important to keep things in perspective. Not every concern needs to be escalated; instead, you should consider the specifics of the situation and what’s typical for that family. You talk about the stepdad being involved in the young persons life. What might look like grooming could actually be him just trying to be a good, present stepdad. Think about whether his actions are in line with what’s normal for that family. Does the mum also receive gifts, like jewelry? If he’s into sports and spends time and money supporting the kid in that area, it makes sense that he’d be invested.

Also, about the stepdad’s past work disciplinary – is it really relevant here? Without clear details, it might not actually matter to the safeguarding issue and may be biasing your judgement.

Have you spoken to a senior colleague or safeguarding lead? they can provide a neutral perspective and help you see things clearly. If you’re close to the situation, your judgement could be clouded. Getting another set of eyes can help you make a balanced and informed decision that’s in the best interest of the young person. Making a referral like this can be like a wrecking ball, so in your shoes in this situation, I would want to ensure my judgement was sound.

I was sadly in a similar situation over a decade ago, involving a close relative. I asked a senior member of my team who recommended making a referral, so I did. Social services looked into it but decided no further action was needed. This decision limited how much time my family could spend with the relative who disclosed the concern. Years later, in 2024, the abuser was arrested and is now facing court.

Its a sad reality that even when we do refer, nothing happens and the abuse continues. Working in safeguarding is so difficult. Being the person who gets, or doesn't get the ball rolling has its own stressors - ultimately, I try and ensure that any decision I make is one that is grounded in objective fact and is one I can defend to others, and most importantly, myself.

@Sparklybutold

We've been over this. The person of concern is a COACH not her stepdad.

@Sparklybutold i don't think OP has mentioned a stepdad - the 'man in her life' means the coach in the daughter's life.

And yes gifts like that would totally ring alarm bells for me, OP.

"Nothing you've said screams grooming in and of itself."

Giving jewellery with his and the child's initials on?

What a horrible position to be in, good for you having the guts to do the right thing even though it might have a negative impact on you. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? I know the last thing you want to do is draw attention, but even just to test the waters? Sometimes things like this might not sit right, but without the training people can brush it off. If someone else has an uncomfortable feeling, or more information, then being validated can spur them to do something as well.

Hopefully, if your good friend knows how highly trained in safeguarding you are, it might at least give her pause. Maybe not noticeably from the outside, but it might make her a bit more vigilant about him.

Good luck, and make sure to keep any records of any hint of retaliation - even if it's just second hand texts about him being angry. Though of course deny,deny, deny.