Is 45 too old to have a baby

[Catontoof]

is this fair on a child?
I am seriously considering this as I feel like
therr has been a huge hole in my life.

Had my first at 42, expecting my second now at 44. Absolutely not too old. Didn’t meet my partner until I was 41 so had no alternative. I’m way more relaxed and financially secure than my younger parent friends. Don’t worry about all the naysayers.

it depends on the individual I suppose, but from what I have witnessed in some of my friends I would not recommend older parenthood. I don't think my parents regret it at all because they have amazing children to show for it, but the toll it has taken on their bodies and minds is really sad. All of them say they wish they had been able to do it when younger. But life isn't perfect for any of us, is it? As they say, it is what it is. Good luck, OP.

Can I be ageist against myself as a 53 year old? Like it or not we all slow down and get aches and pains as we get older, even the most health conscious yoga gurus. I’m sorry but that’s just a fact. Of course I’m not as young and sprightly as a 30 year old, I’m still fit and watch what I eat but I can’t defy time. Likewise a 70 year old is not going to be as fit as me, it’s just biology.

It really, really isn't that unusual either for the domestic labour being shared 50/50.

I know there's a lot of crap men out there, but my husband cooks, cleans and works full-time.

It can seem like any poster on this site who doesn't have all their children between the ages of 30-33 gets bashed.
On the other end of the spectrum there's plenty of nasty threads directed at younger mums "they must be poor" "they must have grown up poor and have no ambitions" "they've wasted their lives" 🙄etc etc.
I know plenty of women who had children in their 40s who are still going strong and the kids are all grown up. If you're still able to get pregnant naturally at 42 it's a sign your body is young for it's age.

In the real world most people can't spend their entire twenties backpacking and having fun then meet the man of their dreams on their 30th birthday followed by settling down and having all 2 children (3 is too many and one will be lonely) before they turn 33. Life doesn't pan out Mumsnet perfect for most people

grim

Not remotely grim. The two who immediately come to mind are a very senior professional woman and the other is the owner of a booming equine business. What’s grim about young parenthood? There’s a lot of life left when your kids grow up if you have them young.

To be fair DH & I married straight after uni & had our fist child 2 years later. We had no uni debts due to the grant system. We bought our first property & although we had very little extras especially in the first few years we were happy. Although our children were a bit later in having their first we are still relatively young Grandparents to much loved & amazing children & have absolutely no regrets. They actually do keep us young & we often get asked if we are the parents 😂 This doesn't mean to say I don't agree with having a family in later life. It's horses for courses & what's best for you. Both decisions work in different ways.

@FKAT how about parenting a teenager AND working a (more than) full-time job in your 60s? It can be done (and enjoyed)!

I'm not tarring anyone with any brush, I'm over 50 myself, it's a simple fact that we get older, and that brings the risk of illness and death, regardless of how fit we are. My parents both died around age 70, and had no health issues until all of a sudden they did have health issues

I know that a lot of people think that if they eat the right stuff and exercise a lot, they will live to be 90. Sadly it's untrue, we lost our fit as a fiddle, slim 45 year old friend to cancer last year within months of diagnosis.

I'm a fan of a 60 year old musician, this year he had a sudden heart attack, and nearly died, even though he is super-fit and does triathlons.

So, there's 2 points - as an older parent, you need a plan to support your kids if you don't live to be 80+, and also it's worth considering what age you will be at milestones in their lives.

We had our kids in our 30s, and one day when I was in my mid 40s, the old Pakistani guy at my favourite kebab shop asked me if they were my grandchildren, and that held a mirror up to me - it's a very new, first-world thing to defer parenthood.

I'm not sure why anyone thinks that it's sexist to advise that having kids after 45 is problematic. I'd give exactly the same advice to a man wanting to father a child at that age.

I'll expand on the issue of who looks after a kid if a parent dies (or becomes too disabled to care for the kid), which is sadly more likely with an older parent.

When we were doing our wills, our friend (a retired social worker) advised us to arrange in advance and specifically state in our wills who should be the guardian and take in our kids if we were both killed, e.g. in a road accident. The reason being that by default, the kids would be immediately taken to a council-run children's home, and be placed along with all the other kids from whatever unfortunate circumstances, until the courts decide after a few weeks to appoint (or not) one of our relatives to take custody of them. No one would want that for their kids, but we had options because we have siblings, also in 30s and 40s whilst the kids were under 16.

I'd say it would be far harder to allocate a trusted replacement parental figure through your 60s and 70s, and far more likely they'd die or become ill.

I'm sure some people could sort this out within their family and friends, but many would not be able to find someone suitable

This. ^ These same posters who look down their nose at women having their first baby under 24, and becoming a gran at 44-47, and spouting 'grim' and 'common' and 'council estate' etc are the same ones who gets huffy and butthurt when people state the very obvious fact that 45 IS too old to have a baby, women in their 60s are no WAY as fit and healthy as a 30 year old, and they do, in fact, look their age.

Seems like it's not OK to make ANY negative comments about women over 50, but bashing young mothers is a free for all! Probably the same posters who benefit bash, and think people who rent their home are scum!

I found this too (dd1 I was 29, DD2 I was 33) despite working full time in office/out and about during pregnancy 1 and mostly part time from home with pregnancy 2) I think its because you already have a child to run around after....you can't just go to bed early in the evening, or have a nap in the day....someone always needs you to be up and about caring for them.

I think this is really important. I am an only child (as is my partner) and even though I would like a child, I won't be having one for fear of leaving them alone should anything happen to us.

Strawberriesandpears
Have two, take clomifene. Half joking.

The chances of both parents passing away are slim. It happens I know.

You meet people throughout your life that might not be family, if the worst happened they would step in.

I would definitely step in for a friends children and I've had the conversation with DS friends mum, who has no sisters and worries.

I wouldn't let your reasoning put you off, you might live until you are 90.

Have you specified this in a will ? PP is right it is important if you have little to no family.

Have you specified this in a will ? PP is right it is important if you have little to no family.
No, text messages. It would no problem.
I will bring the conversation up with her again.

But unless you have crystal ball, it's impossible to factor this into decision making when having a child. Grandparents can drop dead at the drop of a hat as can any of us. No one simply has any idea how long their parents will be around for. My mums parents were dead when she was a teenager and my only remaining grandparent died when I was 10. My extended family all lived far .away I had a wonderful childhood and don't feel I missed out on anything.

Life isn't black and white and is ever changing. While it's absolutely fine to not want children to base a decision on a set of expectations around grandparents age, the number of siblings and cousins and aunties and uncles there will be for a child seems ridiculous as you have no idea how life will pan out. Some examples are:

Grandparents can become suddenly ill and incapacitated
Grandparents can die suddenly
You can have siblings you fall out with
Siblings that don't want anything to do with nieces and nephews (as it is with my siblings).
Your siblings can move country
Your siblings might not want children themselves or have children with a big age gap from your children
Your own siblings can die
Your own child might not want anything to do with their own siblings, cousins etc.

I work in elderly social care and see family dynamics of all sorts. It's taught me nothing is guaranteed or certain. Have childen because you want them (though in response to the original thread I do feel 45 is too old!) not because there needs to be some sort of exact criteria that will create the perfect childhood for your child.

And if I die, hell would freeze over before I let either of my siblings be responsible for my child. We have close family friends who I would a million per cent prefer to take that role and have said they would do so themselves.

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my child's future resting on a text should the worst happen.

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with my child's future resting on a text should the worst happen.

Nor would I.

I am in a different position, both DH and I have very close sibling relationships. I know how lucky our family is to have that security.

Obviously I hope that I won't need their help.

You are very lucky. I wish I had the same.

the advice I was given was that a friend or relative turning up and saying "I agreed to take the kids" won't be permitted, social services would whisk the kids off to a children's home for weeks until a court order specifies what's to be done with the kids, potentially not matching your informal agreement with a friend. I recommend anyone getting some advice on this, I had not realised my kids would not just be sent to next of kin immediately.

I'm 36 and childless. I think if the opportunity to start a family arises for me at 45 I'll go for it. You know what's right for you.